Jay Cutler: An Interview (Satire)

(Photo by Doug Pensinger/Getty Images)

Despite his name and story being all over ESPN and being written by just about everyone on Bleacher Report, we've yet to get the chance to hear it all straight from Jay Cutler.

Now we have that chance.

I was lucky enough to catch Jay before he got ready to head to the Windy City, and this is how the conversation went.

(I, the interviewer, will be referred to as IN, while Cutler is Cutler)

IN: Thank you so much for taking the time to talk. I know this has been difficult—

Cutler: I'm awesome.

IN: Right, okay. Cool. Um, let's get started, shall we?

Cutler: I'm awesome.

IN: Alrighty. So, how do you feel about the trade? Is Chicago a good landing spot?

Cutler: The media reports were correct. I love Chicago. I would have chosen Chicago or Tennessee if it were up to me, and this works just fine.

IN: That's good. Do you feel that you've been misinterpreted or misrepresented throughout this on-going story?

Cutler: Story?

IN: You know, all the trade talk.

Cutler: Trade?

IN: Yeah, you've been traded...and there was on-going talk about a possible trade for quite some time.

Cutler: Talk?

IN: Dear God, man. I thought you just looked stupid.

Cutler: No, it's actually both.

IN: How are you effective in an NFL offense?

Cutler: I'm awesome.

IN: Yeah, yeah I suppose you are. Alright, can we continue? I mean, are you even able?

Cutler: I'm—

IN: I SWEAR, dude, you say you're awesome one more time...

Cutler: I'm tired.

IN: You certainly look it. Come to think of it, do you ever sleep? You look really tired, like, all the time.

Cutler: I sleep on the floor.

IN: Is there broken glass on the floor? Are there small animals gnawing on your feet. Seriously, do you ever get a good night's sleep?

Cutler: Ask me about my hair.

IN: What about your—

Cutler: It's awesome.

IN: Of course it is. Okay, next question. Do you feel you fit the description of a young, up-and-coming player, or are you the product of a good system?

Cutler: Ask that question to Matt Cassel.

IN: Ohhhh, BURN. Good one. But I'm actually asking you.

Cutler: Honestly, no. I performed at a high level at Vanderbilt. Their system was awful.

IN: I thought you were going to say awesome.

Cutler: No, Vandy wasn't awesome. I am.

IN: Oh, I almost forgot.

Cutler: I know. I could see the memory of my awesomeness slipping in your eyes. I had to bring you back to the light.

IN: Thank you, Jay. Thanks for that.

Cutler: You got it. (Stretches out his fist) Pound it.

(I reluctantly did)

IN: Where would you rank yourself among the NFL's quarterbacks?

Cutler: The best.

IN: Really? You've never even won a playoff game. Wait, you've never even been in the playoffs.

Cutler: I've only been in the league for three years, bro.

IN: True. And I guess your defense has been paltry.

Cutler: To say the least.

IN: So, would it be safe to say you'd have no excuse if you failed to lead the Bears to the playoffs?

Cutler: Why do you say that?

IN: Because Chicago has a good defense, and Denver doesn't.

Cutler: No, not necessarily. It's all circumstantial.

IN: Oh, is it, now?

Cutler: Yes, besides, do you see a Brandon Marshall or Eddie Royal on this Bears team?

IN: No, but Greg Olsen is solid, and I'm sure you can work with Devin Hester.

Cutler: Yeah, and Earl Bennett, right? Come on, bro. COME ON.

IN: Okay, so you're a little skeptical. I get that.

Cutler: I like the fit, though. We'll have to work together and see where it goes.

IN: Okay, so how do you feel about leaving Denver, overall. Do you think you'll always be bitter with Josh McDaniels and the entire organization?

Cutler: Probably.

IN: Yikes. Would you say you hate McDaniels?

Cutler: Does a Jew hate an Anti-Semite?

IN: I think it'd actually be the other way around.

Cutler: I'm awesome.

Just like my conversation with LeBron James, the rest of what happened between Cutler and I was not worth noting. I'm not even sure any of this was.

The important thing, however, is that whether you like it or not, Jay Cutler is awesome, and yes, he also knows it.

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