Dear Raider Nation...Your Team's Not Good

Dear Raider Nation,

It’s August, which can only mean one thing. 

It’s “that time of year” again—time for Oakland Raider fans to come out of the woodwork and tell the rest of us how awesome their team is going to be this season. 

Of course, all the evidence points to your beloved Silver and Black being anything but awesome. But hey, when have you guys ever let things like facts get in the way?

The Raiders are coming off a disastrous season that saw them rack up a mere two victories and finish dead last in the NFL. The Aaron Brooks experiment failed. The Andrew Walter project didn't do much better. Lamont Jordan got hurt, Randy Moss mailed it in, and Jerry Porter held out. 

All in all, it was the kind of year that got coaches fired, players traded, and season ticket applications crumpled up and thrown in the trash.  

And yet, I’m sure if I met up with one of you Raider fans in a bar—and you didn’t immediately mug me—you’d be quick to point out how much better the Raiders have gotten during the offseason.

You’d tell me, for example, that Oakland used the number-one overall pick to acquire the most talented QB in the draft. Of course, JaMarcus Russell is in the middle of a bitter holdout, but why let that get in the way of your unadulterated joy?

Next, you’d wax poetic about the Daunte Culpepper signing, and school me on how he's going to teach JaMarcus the ropes while regaining his preinjury form. Then, as you imbibed another stiff drink, you’d attempt to convince me that Dominic Rhodes is going to be great this season...you know, after he serves that four-game suspension. 

Rhodes was a big part of the Colts' Super Bowl run last season, you’ll rationalize, and once he gets back on the field, he’s going to kick insurmountable amounts of ass.

With eyes wide, you’ll sum up the rant by predicting eight to ten wins, a division title, a playoff berth, and, if the Raiders happen to peak at the right time, a trip to the Super Bowl.

In response, Raider Fan, I’d be obliged to rationally explain that you’d be certifiably insane to have such delusions of grandeur. 

As I easily dismantled your assessments of the players and team, you’d drunkenly mumble something under your breath and threaten me with physical violence. Of course, you’d be inebriated to such an extent that I wouldn’t feel threatened in the least. 

That is, until I realized that several other Raiders fans were angrily descending upon me. Apparently, I’d completely forgotten your tendency to travel in packs.

However, as the silver and black mob moved in, I’d simply shift my glance to the far end of the establishment and say, “Hey, is that Al Davis?” Taking the bait, all of you would look in the other direction. Of course it wouldn’t be Al Davis, but rather an old lady in a white sweatsuit driving a motorized scooter through the bar. Still, the uncanny resemblance would hold your attention just long enough for me to slip away unscathed.

I guess what I’m trying to say, Raider Nation, is that the Oakland Raiders are going to suck this season. Period. The sooner you realize this simple fact, the better your lives will be. Not to mention the lives of all the people you come in contact with during the NFL season.

But rather than come down to earth, I’m sure you’ll choose to live by the famous Raider Nation motto: 

Just win, baby. 

Or at least act like you’re going to win no matter how bad your team is.

Enjoy the season,

Dave