It really goes to show just how serious Pacman was when he promised to change his ways after being suspended.
I mean, look at this standup gentleman, folks:
"Everybody keeps saying I've been arrested six times. I haven't been arrested six times. I've only been arrested twice. I've been accused and people have put warrants out on me numerous other times, but as of today I'm on no probation, I haven't been charged with anything, so I'm just keeping my head up and make sure I'm doing everything to make sure I'm all right with myself."
Pacman, is that something to brag about?
Newflash: You're no longer a kid, Adam—you're an adult and a professional. You have responsibilities now that go beyond yourself and what you do in your spare time. Responsibilities to your teammates, to your coach, and to your employer—not to mention the thousands of young fans who look up to you.
The truth, Adam, is that you shouldn't be getting arrested at all. But if you do happen to get arrested, "two arrests ain't bad" is not the right attitude to take.
And that wasn't all. Pacman had something else to say—the perfect explanation as to why he's a misunderstood individual whom the media has turned into a daily scapegoat.
"I pick up the wrestling thing, now you don't want me to wrestle. I don't know what you all want me to do. Just sit in the house and be miserable all day? I can't do that. I have to keep my spirits up high. I have a whole family to take care of."
And I have a whole raft of things to say to Pacman.
First off: It's not that we "don't want you to wrestle." It's that it shows poor form on your part to agree to such a deal. It reveals your true colors, as instead of using your suspension time to reevaluate your life and clean up your act, you're going to goof off in a wrestling ring. It shows that you don't take your actions seriously, and it proves that your apology after being suspended was insincere.
And, it happens to violate the contract you signed with the Titans—that's why they filed a restraining order against you today. Sorry bud, that's just life. Yes, I know: It truly sucks being you.
Secondly: "Miserable all day"? You can't be serious.
Pacman, prison is miserable—and that's where you would probably be if you weren't a professional athlete. Sitting in your multi-million dollar home and smoking more ganja than Hunter S. Thompson might not be as stimulating as shooting off guns in strip clubs, but it's clearly not the dreadful existence you're making it out to be.
See Pacman, a lot of people in this world—and indeed in this very nation of ours—don't have the luxury of sitting in their house all day and "being miserable." They're too busy smiling through a blackened face in their favorite coal mine, basking in the glory of the carpel tunnel syndrome their corporate existence afforded them, or punching buttons on a cash register while some fat ass demands that they supersize his Big Mac meal.
The reality is that a lot of folks would love to sit around your house and "be miserable" with you. I'm one of them. Wanna have me over? I bet we could have a good time in your house, Pacman.
Ever played Monopoly?
Lastly: I agree with you on one thing, Pacman—family comes first.
That's right: Your family comes before your team. It comes before your fans. It should come before everything in your life.
But there's something I can't quite wrap my head around, Adam—something that's lingering in my brain and that just doesn't make any kind of sense at all.
I mean, I'm no Albert Einstein, but how in the hell has anything you've done since you came to the NFL been in the interest of your family?
How does rolling around with people who shoot off guns in nightclubs help your family? What about grabbing strippers by the hair and slamming their heads on the stage? What, are you trying to teach your son the important life lessons of joining a gang, abusing women, and breaking the law at all costs? Are you trying to teach your daughter that removing her clothes for money so pieces of shit like you can abuse them is a career worth pursuing?
You're right Pacman: We just didn't understand you. You're an everyday family man—so sorry you've gotten such a bad rap.
I'd like to point out that this criticism is coming from a very open-minded football fan. I mean this from the bottom of my heart, Adam—I wanted to see you succeed. I wanted to give you a chance—in the worst way—to prove that you weren't such a punk. I wanted to watch you grow up and become one of the best defensive players this league has ever seen.
I wanted to see you grow up to be a man.
Because honestly, I don't care how you dress, Pacman.
I don't care what substances you choose to put into your body.
I don't care that you enjoy throwing your money at naked women.
Those things won't doom your success in the NFL. What will sink your future is your unwillingness to stay out of trouble and keep your career on course. If you refuse to see that you can't just go around doing whatever the hell you want without paying for it in the long run, you won't become the player you were destined to be.
What I care about most here, Pacman, is the game of football—and the men who come to work every day and take a pounding to feed their families. If what you're doing off the field is ruining the image of an entire league of players who are just trying to play ball, I call that being selfish.
When you act as if you're being deprived of your fundamental liberty because people want you to chill out for awhile, I call that being childish.
When you imply that being arrested twice is an accomplishment comparable to discovering penicillin, I call that being foolish.
And when you justify your many illegal, immoral, and immature actions by claimining that you "have a whole family to take care of," I call that downright freakin' retarded.
I'll end with this piece of advice for Adam "Pacman" Jones: If being a professional athlete is such a difficult life, maybe you should consider getting another job.
But I think if you did, you'd actually find that playing cornerback for 16 games a year—and making millions of dollars—is preferable to cleaning toilets and living paycheck to paycheck. Just a hunch.
I could be totally wrong, though; for if there's anything Pacman Jones has showed us in the last three years, it's that he's completely unpredictable.
Maybe he'd like the coal mines. It sure beats Monopoly, right?