New UK Coach Calipari Heals Sick, Fixes Economy During Press Conference

Marc DaleyAnalyst IJuly 12, 2016

On Wednesday the University of Kentucky introduced its new head men's basketball coach John Calipari to an excited fanbase that has longed for a return to the Final Four for the first time since the 1998 championship.  But what fans didn't expect is for Calipari to take on qualities of a mythical figure.


Following a series of questions that expressed concern over Calipari's association with Memphis banker William Wesley Calipari asked the crowd of reporters and fans for some quiet.  He then closed his eyes, pressed on his temples, and spoke.

"There is a man in this audience who has been suffering for many years.  I sense a deep pain within his soul.  Sir, would you mind coming forward?"

At that moment the man, identified as Chas McFeeley, 46, of Gravel Switch, slowly moved forward.

"Yes, Coach, I've been suffering from the heartbreak of extreme laziness and dandruff for over 10 years now," McFeeley said.

"Let this man's suffering be over!" Calipari shouted as he pushed on McFeeley's forehead and pushed him back into the waiting arms of a couple of reporters. 

Within minutes, McFeeley's scalp was clean and he had enough energy to forgo couch-sitting.

"I may even go apply for a job, or at least get off my kiester to take out the garbage!" McFeeley said.

As the crowd applauded Calipari humbly smiled then said he had an additional announcement.

"The university has been extremely generous with its contract.  But truthfully, there are others who need this more.  Therefore, I ask that my $31.5 million be equally distributed amongst all citizens of the commonwealth," Calipari said as applause thundered throughout the Joe Craft Center.

With an estimated population of 4.4 million, each citizen of Kentucky should receive about seven dollars and 16 cents.

"Sweet, I can afford two Happy Meals now.  Or at least a 12-pack of Milwaukee's Best," said UK student Biff Manley.

Lastly, Calipari spoke about the Wildcats' upcoming season.

"We have a lot of potential on this team, especially with the great recruiting class we have coming in of every player listed in the top 10.  I think we should finish near the top of the SEC and make it back to the round of 16 of the NCAAs."

A collective groan was heard from the audience.

"Why did we hire this clown?  So he can heal the sick and stimulate the economy.  Big deal!  Championships or nothing!" said Billy Bob Rubeck.