MSG L.P: Please, everyone put your hands together for your new General Manager, Ms. Dominica Stewart. Hailing from the big-little town of Lawton, Okla., she replaces Mrs. Carol Blazejowski, who has had a decent tenure as GM.
Please, Ms. Stewart, why don’t you inform us of the changes and other things you hope to do and accomplish while at New York.”
Disclaimer: Okay, so this will most likely not happen anytime soon, but I am bored and the Liberty could use some help (well, most NY teams could use help actually, but that’s another story).
So please, Madison Square Garden L.P. and the real GM, please feel free to take notes...all in good fun, of course.
First off, I’m changing this ridiculous color scheme. Seriously, blue, orange, white, and liberty green?
Who picked this? You’re fired.
Now, we shall keep the Liberty mascot (better believe that logo will be tweaked) but change the colors to something simple: black and the liberty green. The green shall be allowed to stay only because our Lady is that color and also our mascot.
Can’t get the fans too mad at me, right?
Not the prettiest colors, but oh well, we got bigger concerns for now.
Let us start at the top of the team’s food chain: coaching.
Pat Coyle, you are a good coach, but sadly, your term ends here. You have had your ups and downs, winning in the first rounds but capping out at the conference finals. I need a winner-coach (new word) who can take this team to new heights.
Now, I have nothing against you; it is just business.
Since Pat Summitt hasn’t returned my calls and with the current restraining order I was mailed, I guess it’s safe to say, you are still not interested.
I have read some older articles of this coach possibly making the jump into the league, so without further ado, Geno Auriemma, I choose you!
My favorite Italian (like I know that many) ain’t getting any younger. After having tremendous success with his Lady Huskies, let’s give this man a new challenge before he retires and is forced to only watching games yelling at his television screen.
Gone are the easy days of paying a coach $8,900 (remember those days, Pat?) so I must step up my game. UCONN is supposedly paying him just under a million last time I checked your Twitter.
How does $1.19 million sound, Geno?
Don’t be greedy, Geno; I know Nike endorses you too.
Wait, what do you mean we can’t afford that?
I want a government bail-out. This is important. I must have Geno!
Don’t worry Mr. Auriemma, our owners are good for it. They own us, other NY teams, the stadium, and are owned by Cablevision, the fifth largest cable provider.
What do you mean you are nervous? Of course it is a guaranteed contract. Would I lie to you?
Eh, fine. Stay at Connecticut.
Nick DiPillo, you are now the lucky winner. Your grand prize is the vacant head coaching spot *cough* untilIfindabettercoach *cough*
Ah, nothing like picking a new head coach internally.
DiPillio, feel free to pick your new assistant coach.
Trading and Dealing
Now that my coach spot is filled, it is time to look at my team.
Hmm, not so bad, I guess, but nothing spectacular.
With the draft coming up, it’s time to start some wheeling and dealing.
The eighth pick in the first round is mine.
First, I think I will trade Ashley Battle, Jessica Davenport, and Lisa Willis (and a second-round pick if necessary) to the Minnesota Lynx for their fourth pick in the first round. Possibly a stretch, but maybe not. They have plenty of first-round picks.
Share the wealth, Minnesota!
That fills the PG and C needs fairly well. I have one more pick in the first round. If she is still there, Abby Waner is my pick.
I also have the 21st pick (second round). I will take whoever is left.
The new starting lineup now looks like this:
G: K. Tolliver
G: L. Moore
F: C. Kraayeveld
F: S. Christon
C: K. Vaughn
Deep bench is a must
I’d have Abby Waner, McCarville, Mitchell, Larkins, and Tiffany Jackson (plus the unknown second-round pick). I’d always make the coach go deep in the bench every game.
When one player tires, put in fresh legs. Keep the team a constant threat by allowing every player to play.
I’m paying you, so you better be ready to play.
Yes, Tolliver is young, but what better way to learn than with the starting position? Vaughn already is a beast; she has already proven this.
And with the help of my accountant, I can get all this for the low price of only $772,000 (gee, 2013 can’t get here soon enough!).
Starters and bench? Check.
Stadium and Promotions
We are still at the Garden.
Where are my renovations you promised?
Promotions need to be amped up. Try some guerrilla marketing. Put posters up everywhere. Radio and TV ads (we are owned by a freaking cable company)! Visit local schools and make some speeches.
Hire some fresh college graphic communication majors to redesign the current merchandise (like the shirts). Also get them to do the uniforms. We need new ones.
Give away free stuff. People like free.
All right, what else needs to be done? The coaches are ready, team is set, and schedules are done...I guess that is about it (Good, I'm getting hungry).
I guess the next time you’ll see me is when the team is hoisting the trophy amid the confetti filled stadium.
I just hope my private jet gets me there in time.
Even the great ones need help sometimes.