Flopping: The Ultimate Act of Terrorism

Seattle SportsnetCorrespondent IMarch 29, 2009

DENVER - APRIL 28:  Manu Ginobili #20 of the San Antonio Spurs loses the ball on his way to the basket against Linas Kleiza #43 of the Denver Nuggets in the first half of Game Three of the Western Conference Quarterfinals during the 2007 NBA Playoffs at the Pepsi Center on April 28, 2007 in Denver, Colorado.  NOTE TO USER: User expressly acknowledges and agrees that, by downloading and or using this photograph, User is consenting to the terms and conditions of the Getty Images License Agreement.  (Photo by Brian Bahr/Getty Images)

If Homeland Security wants to catch terrorists, all they need to do is look for floppers.  Manu Ginobili is a flopper, and thus a terrorist.  French soccer players are terrorists, they flop too.  Basically, if you’re a serial flopper, chances are you’re out to destroy the world. 

And that’s what it really comes down to with flopping.  It doesn’t just scream dishonesty, or unnecessarily delay sporting events.  It doesn’t just teach children the wrong way to play the game, or force the action into the hands of officials.  No, it’s much more than that.  Flopping is a greater evil.  Flopping is the basis of a complex, villainous plot to destroy our wonderful earth.  It needs to stop.  And it needs to stop now.

Remember Vlade Divac?  He was a flopper.  Does that make him a terrorist?  In my book, yes.  In your book, you be the judge. 

What about David Beckham?  He’s flopped here and there.  Terrorist?  I assume so.

Osama bin Laden?  A terrorist first, though through deductive reasoning we can wager that in some point in time he likely suffered from chronic flopitis.  My theory is that he flopped to his own death, making brief and subtle contact with one of his henchmen before screaming in agony, tripping, then plunging into a deep crevasse where his body now lies.  That’s what you get for flopping, I guess.

Some of you might think to yourself, “This guy is making a mockery of a very serious subject in terrorism by comparing it to flopping.”  Wrong.  The way I see it, society is downplaying a very serious subject in flopping by not comparing it to terrorism.

Let’s imagine for a minute that you go home, turn on SportsCenter, and the first words you hear out of Stuart Scott’s mouth are, “All floppers are terrorists, boo-yow!”  

All of a sudden, it all makes sense.  Terrorists are evil.  If all floppers are terrorists, then floppers are evil.  Therefore, flopping, as an act, is both an act of terror and evil. 

Lest anyone figure you for a madman, you dissociate yourself from flopping.  Should you spot a flopper, you point at him and scream, “TERRORIST!” at the top of your lungs, thus alerting everyone in his vicinity to the evil he possesses. 

You wouldn’t walk through an airport talking about bombs, carrying an AK-47, or sporting shades and a scraggly Uni-Bomber beard (sorry, Joaquin Phoenix).  So why tolerate flopping, if it’s just as bad?

Terror is fluid.  It is not concrete.  Terror is a state of mind, rather than an actual, physical piece of matter.  Because of that, we interpret terror in varying degrees. 

To you, terror may be a man with dynamite duct-taped to his chest. 

To me, it’s a soccer player going up for a header, colliding with his opponent, snapping his neck back, falling to the turf, screaming in false agony, grabbing his right knee, then his left knee, calling for his coach, calling for a stretcher, summoning a red card from the official, and stopping play for minutes at a time while he works up the courage to weep in front of thousands of fans. 

That’s real terror.

It needs to be said: Flopping is the ultimate sign of terrorism.  Flopping=terrorism.  Terrorism=flopping.  A simple equation we all need to memorize.  If you see a flopper, alert the proper authorities.  If you are a flopper, I’m here to let you know that WE WILL DEFEAT YOU!  It is our God-given right to protect the sanctity of sports, and our world.  By vanquishing flopping and floppers, we will do both.