Manchester United Transfers: 4 Ridiculous Rumours with No Chance of Happening
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There seem to be more ridiculous transfer rumours about Manchester United than almost any club on the planet. Hardly surprising with a global following of 660 million fans.
Manchester United sell newspapers and generate clicks. Sir Alex doesn't even bother to comment on 99 percent of them, although he has denied that Nani is going anywhere in the last couple of days.
Whether or not you believe Sir Alex will not make any significant signings this January, this is one of the daftest ones that's been floated over the last couple of months.
OK, so Brede Hangeland embarrassed United a couple of years ago when Fulham came back from the dead to nick a win. But frankly, Per Mertesacker would be a better bet and he's slow, too.
The 6'13" Fulham centre-back is in the last year of his contract and no doubt his agent wants one last big deal. But Rio Ferdinand will still be a better bet in a year's time than the lanky Norwegian.
And his isn't the most ridiculous rumour we've seen in the last few months. Even though Sir Alex stated unequivocally in the match-day programme for West Brom that there won't be any big signings, the flow continues unabated.
After all, what's going to make the headlines otherwise? Joe Cole to QPR?
Anyhow, here is a small selection to which you can add your own suggestions. The difference is that you have a licence to make them up, which we never do on here.
Wayne Rooney to Anzhi Makhachkala...or Anywhere
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Oh well, it sells papers maybe.
It's not the first time that there has been speculation about Wayne leaving. After all, it is little more than two years since he said he wanted to leave Manchester United.
It may be some time before we learn what was really behind that. Did he want to leave? Had he been tapped up by City? Was his agent playing mind games to try and win a more lucrative contract, or did he really believe the club lacked ambition?
Maybe he had been listening to all the stories about the Glazers having no money to spend. Whatever the truth, a conversation with David Gill and Sir Alex and another with the owners seemed to persuade him to re-commit.
He re-applied himself to the cause and United went on to the Premier League title and a Champions League Final.
There have been episodes since then where he clearly hasn't been match fit. Sir Alex occasionally refers to Wayne having more difficulty than most in this respect. Is this because of Wayne's metabolism, or is it too many Boxing Day dinners?
We live in a country where the media has been happy to trash people's lives. Wayne is among the most reviled footballers for devotees of other sports.
If he wants to go somewhere and have an untroubled private life, then Russia or even Spain might fit the bill.
But the truth of the matter is that Manchester United will be built around him over the next five years.
Also, Coleen and Wayne are expecting a second son in May and they will want to remain close to their family in the North West.
The last time the rumours were rife, Sir Alex and Wayne gave them short shrift. He probably won't even bother this time.
Unless of course Robert Lewandowski is being bought into replace him....
Ashley Cole to Manchester United
Terry, Lampard, Cole
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All three of these players could be surplus to requirements at Stamford Bridge next summer.
Roman Abramovich seems unlikely to renew John Terry's contract after his apparent lack of support for Andre Villas-Boas.
And in October we were told that Ashley Cole was seriously considering a move to Manchester United.
Now, none of these rumours are surprising, even if it is just an agent's ruse to scare Abramovich into changing his mind, or to get his player the best deal for the last few years of his footballing career.
Frank Lampard coming to United would make a lot of sense. He may be only a couple of years younger than Paul Scholes, but seven goals this season shows that he can still do it. He could even alternate with Michael Carrick.
But it simply isn't going to happen.
John Terry hasn't been linked with United, but Ashley Cole definitely will not be coming. Why would he? He's older than Evra and even though he is still one of the best full-backs in the world; what message would it send to Buttner or Fabio?
If Sir Alex was going to sign a left-back, it would surely be Leighton Baines.
The last over-30 player that he signed was Henrik Larsson. That was a stop-gap; it was inspired, and he was getting a world-class striker.
Ashley Cole lives in London. He would be risking an ugly response there if he went to Old Trafford, and in any case, United fans wouldn't want him.
About as likely as signing Luis Suarez...
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Make no mistake, this is a talented young man.
If Kenny Dalglish made only one mistake while he was manager at Liverpool recently, it was not to give more chances to Sterling and Jonjo Shelvey. They are future England players.
Why on earth buy Stewart Downing and Jordan Henderson?
If Nani goes, Sir Alex will want another wide player who can play on either flank, beat a defender and score goals. This young man fits the bill. He was good enough for the Liverpool first team at 16, but didn't get his chance.
The thing is that no player transfers from United to Liverpool, or vice-versa. It's bad enough coming from Everton.
When Rafa Benitez wanted Gabriel Heinze, Sir Alex blocked the move, and he went to Real Madrid instead.
So where do rumours like Sterling to United come from?
Of course, it's The Sun, part of News International, so it must be true...
Or is it again just his agent trying to get the best deal. Liverpool aren't that stupid, and they would be crazy to let Sterling go, just as Arsenal would if they let Theo Walcott go.
Javier Hernandez to Madrid or Florence
Does this sound like a player who wants to leave Manchester United? A player who cried when he heard of United's interest? Whose father cried before he even told him?
He could be one of the finest human beings United have ever signed, ranking up there alongside Sir Bobby Charlton. He is the only player to kneel and pray in the centre circle before every match, whether at Old Trafford or the Etihad.
He is humble, unassuming, prepared to do anything for his manager. In any interview he gives, it is about "the team...the team...the team..."
His game is improving under the influence of the likes of Robin van Persie and Wayne Rooney. But you can also see his effort and work rate have stepped up to yet another level in his last few matches.
Against Newcastle, he ran himself into the ground before he left to a standing ovation near the end. He is prepared to delve deep into midfield to win back the ball and was last man on the edge of the United penalty area when he tackled Sylvain Marvaux.
And yet he still has the energy to make that final run for the winning goal, deep in the second half.
He lists Ole Gunnar Solskjaer among his idols, so why would he ever consider leaving?
But of course, the media searching for stories think, "Hmm...Van Persie has come in, Chicharito is down the pecking order, he's not starting so many matches, maybe there's a story there..."
Sir Alex loves him. Look at the bear hug he gave him when he left the pitch after his winner against Newcastle. Where Danny Welbeck can blow hot and cold, the little Mexican strains every sinew, never gets discouraged and never stops trying.
What? Are they crazy? If James Rodriguez is worth £32 million, Hernandez is worth every penny of £30 million to Arsenal, Paris St Germain or Juventus.
But he's not leaving, whether or not Lewandowski arrives next summer.
Here on Bleacher Report, we may sometimes cover ridiculous rumours from elsewhere, but we don't start them.
There is more than enough speculation about Manchester United transfer rumours all year round, let alone in January.
Which are your favourites among the more ridiculous, and which are the more sane ones that seriously have legs rather than FIFA Pro, FIFA 13 or fantasy football origins?