11 Fighters You Would Want by Your Side in a Bar Brawl This New Year's Eve
Ever been hit with a pool stick? It’s a terrible, terrible thing for three reasons. First, it’s not entirely likely to knock you unconscious, second it hurts like you wouldn’t believe and third, it splits the scalp wider than a condom-packed piñata at a frat party. It truly is a nasty experience, and one that’s more likely to occur inside a bar than anywhere else.
Barroom brawls aren’t cool, they’re not what I’d call fun, and if you don’t get your rear end moving fast enough once the dust has settled, they can carry a costly legal toll. In short, they’re not worth taking part in.
I wouldn’t recommend anyone test their physical fortitude in the cramped confines of a packed pub, but from time to time, it just happens. Sometimes it’s tough to avoid the testosterone-driven booze-hound who’s itching for a fight.
I don’t condone illegal fights, and I’m certain none of the men on this list do, either, but it sure would be entertaining to see any one of these 11 fighters tee off on a group of intolerable alcoholics. Feast on this list, just try to argue!
Imagine THIS dude in a bar brawl!
Falcao is a loose cannon. The guy seems to find legitimate pleasure in mauling opponents. So much so in fact, that he’s had to be peeled off of fallen foes in the past. And those were professional fights; just imagine the Hell he’d unleash on a loud-mouthed drunk.
The only problem I see in having Falcao by your side during a bar brawl is potential homicide. Let’s keep it real here: it’s not too difficult imagining this man beating another man to death.
Maiquel plus barroom brawl minus referee just might equal manslaughter. No one wants to play accessory to that!
Eric Bolte-USA TODAY Sports
If you found yourself in the middle of a violent melee in a local pub, looking over to see Hendricks holding your flank would be a bit reassuring.
Imagine Johny letting those hooks go on a room full of riled up, intoxicated patrons. If you thought the airtime Johny subjected Martin Kampmann to, was impressive, try to fathom a handful of guys who don’t train in preparation for sledgehammer fists.
Plus, you’ve got to acknowledge that beard. I don’t even think your “Average Joe” could put his fist on the chin of “Bigg Rigg”. That mass of wiry bush would simply devour it like a giant Cheetos crumb, impact dismissed.
You all know damn well that “Cowboy” looks like a guy you’d find in a bar… ready to manhandle any obnoxious lingerer.
The dude absolutely loves to fight, and it just so happens that his weapons of choice are those sinister fists, knees and feet. This dude could probably knock your run-of-the-mill guy out cold… with a leg kick!
The best part about it? The confident smirk you just know Cerrone would don all the while pummeling a group of complete morons into another dimension…another dimension serving as a synonym for hospital, of course.
Joe Camporeale-USA TODAY Sports
Bar fights aren’t necessarily fun. But I suppose they could be, if brawling alongside a natural comedian. Belcher’s the kind of dude who could knock a half-dozen clowns out cold, all the while cracking jokes in accordance with each finishing blow.
The guy’s both hilarious as well as fearless, and if you take that into a hostile environment in which alcohol acts as the star attraction, you’re bound to see comedy meet action.
And to think, this guy could probably be set off pretty easily: just take to insulting that gorgeous Johnny Cash tattoo of his and it is ON!
This frustrated in a cage... imagine out.
I don’t feel comfortable making any jokes about Paul Daley. Something about the guy just strikes me as… well, humorless.
That said, you know “Semtex” probably beat up a few hundred guys in the streets of England en route to becoming the professional competitor that we recognize today.
I’d drag that experience with me into a bar any night of the week.
Mark Kolbe/Getty Images
I’m trying to imagine what it would look like to see Mark Hunt extract fistic fury on a room full of inebriated macho men.
I can’t decide what would be most entertaining, the absurd amount of alcohol this New Zealander could probably consume and still defend himself, how quickly he could render the establishment's peanut supply obsolete, or the joy he’d find in watching bodies bounce off the floor after a handful of half-hearted punches.
You know, now that I think about it, all of those things would prove damn entertaining, and given Mark’s demeanor (I have no idea whether he’s big on the booze or not, just for the record), I could see all of them happening in one swift visit to the brew house.
...wonder how he lost 'em
Dan’s already had his front teeth removed from his face: he’s got little else to lose.
“Hendo” looks like a good old boy, and I’d be willing to bet he’d fit right in sitting on a stool pounding cold ones in the company of pedestrian drunkards. Should one of those drunkards say, or do the wrong thing, I bet he’d be just as comfortable uncorking the patented “H-Bomb.”
Beer and bombs… sounds kind of like a patriot’s dream; where’s Brian Stann when you need him?
Kelvin Kuo-USA TODAY Sports
Trash talk is an integral part of a barroom brawl. Hell, half of the time the insults flung from frothing mouths is more entertaining than the physical display of aggression exhibited in rough establishments.
If you could pull Diaz away from the couch, away from the gym, and keep him off the skateboard long enough to get him into a bar, knocking back a few cold ones, he could help to create the most entertaining scrap in history. We’re talking the barroom brawl to end all barroom brawls.
Hands up, middle fingers extended, fists flying, hammered slobs crashing to the hardwood floor after a barrage of punches… yeah… that would be epic!
Nate's never joking, and apparently doesn't like losing
Inside the cage, Nate seems to be the more level-headed of the Diaz brothers. If you’re a YouTuber however, you’ve probably seen more than a single clip of Nate, up in someone’s face, antagonizing, pushing for a brawl while hurling a slew of expletives at his potential target.
Now, put that ferocity in a bar setting, with a handful of aloof college guys too uninformed to know that this is one skinny kid you should back down from.
That scenario has carnage written all over. Serious carnage… we’re talking Just Bleed carnage!
Stick Anderson Silva in a bar. Now imagine Neo’s head superimposed on top of those shoulders and picture everyone else in the room wearing freshly pressed suits and slick sun glasses. You can even call them all Agent Smith if you’d like.
I know the comparisons between Anderson and The Matrix are a horse long beaten dead, but in this instance, it seems so much more entertaining.
I’d bet my house that Anderson could clean 40 clocks without being grazed by a fist, bottle, pool stick or any other random barroom accessory. That’s a man you’d want by your side when things get heated up amongst the blitzed.
You all knew Bas was going to make the list, right? The man has created instructional videos on how to kick ass in a bar, there’s absolutely no way he was going to be omitted from this piece.
If there’s a trick in the book, when it comes to barroom brawling, Bas knows it and has more than likely implemented it, probably more than once, too.
Perhaps the only guy on this list who can take a beer bottle, a bar, a chair, the corner of a pool table, a pool stick, a cue ball and an elbow and string them all together to create one mystifying, never-ending, video-gameish combination, Bas just had to take the numero uno slot.
As long as no one leaves without a pulse, I’d be plenty amused by a karaoke announcement that declared Bas’ win a flawless victory after a raucous outburst.
Rutten is the king of barroom combat, and I'll reiterate, he is without a doubt my No. 1 pick if I’ve got to wade into violent drunken trenches.
Follow me on Twitter!