Vince Can't Hear Me on Commentary: Ohio Wrestling League (Show No. 1)
Okay, I’m in.
I’ve read (and edited) many of the Bleacher Report fantasy booking federations, and I’ve really enjoyed them. Now it’s time for the first flight of the OWL (Ohio Wrestling League).
This will be radically different from all of the others, because this is the league I would actually start if I had the time and money. It would be based in Ohio, and I can’t use any talent that is under contract to WWE, TNA, or ROH.
If someone leaves one of the Big Three companies, I can use them. But if they get signed, I lose them.
Actually, I’m glad I can launch the OWL on Bleacher Report, so I don’t have to lose any money (actually promoting shows) or friends (by booking them to lose, or by not booking them at all).
Here is the philosophy of OWL. We’re going to put on a fun, strong pro wrestling show the whole family can enjoy.
Tickets will be cheap too. Ringside is $10, general admission is $5, and kids are just $3. So to make money, we need to put on shows that will attract a lot of fans.
Before we get on TV, we will run shows in Cleveland and Cincinnati. We will tape the shows until we have enough footage to get on SportsTime Ohio (the Cleveland Indians network).
Then, we will move the TV tapings to Akron and Dayton to build up the big shows in Cleveland and Cincy. If we can get a huge WrestleMania-quality show together, it will take place in Columbus.
IWC promoter Norm Connors will be our “talent coordinator.” He’d sit at ringside and will award OWL contracts to the winners of the eight matches on our first show in Cleveland. This will also serve as the first round of the OWL title tournament.
If you have an OWL contract, you can wrestle on every show.
I’ll be doing play-by-play up in the OWL’s Nest along with my old partner from Steel City Wrestling, “Hot $hot” Drew Lazario. He now runs Wildcat Belts, which made the Waffle House title belt pictured above.
Ring announcer Chuck Roberts (from Firestorm in Cleveland and IWC in Pittsburgh) counts us down, and the OWL takes off!
Match 1: “M-Dogg 20” Matt Cross pinned “Wildcat” Chris Harris.
Harris got huge heat from the fans for his failed ECW run as Braden Walker. The high-flying Cross won with his “Death from Above” finisher.
Colt “Boom Boom” Cabana came out to host his “Good Times, Great Memories” talk show. He explained he would host the show before every one of his singles matches, and his guest would always be his opponent.
Cabana introduced Cleveland indy veteran “Beef Stew” Lou Marconi. Cabana started comparing Chicago sports teams to Cleveland sports teams. By the time Cabana got to Michael Jordan’s game-winner (“The Shot”) over Craig Ehlo, Marconi snapped, and the match was on.
Match 2: Colt Cabana pinned Lou Marconi.
“Beef Stew” almost won with his Hellfire Lariat, but Cabana recovered to win the match with the Colt .45.
Match 3: Blue Meanie pinned Johnny “The Bull” Stamboli.
In a battle of the Blue World Order vs. The Full-Blooded Italians, Meanie got the win with the Meanie-sault.
Match 4: Mike Quackenbush pinned Paul London.
The fans really loved this battle of the high flyers, and the Chikara founder emerged victorious with his new “Quackendriver-3” finisher.
During intermission, ushers put Styrofoam mannequin heads on every seat.
Match 5: “Big League” John McChesney beat Al Snow (with Head) by countout.
The fans enjoyed Snow’s pre-show “Head” entrance to the Prodigy song “Breathe.” However, McChesney got the win when the 350-pound “Notorious” Shane Taylor splashed Snow twice on the floor.
Simply Luscious came to the ring to introduce former Ring of Honor champion “The All-Around Best” Xavier.
Match 6: Xavier (with Simply Luscious) pinned Colin Delaney.
Xavier put away the plucky former ECW star with the “Kiss Your X Goodbye.”
Match 7: Joey Mercury pinned The Amazing Red.
Ringside security guys use their camera phones for Mercury’s “MNM Paparazzi” entrance to the ring. Another crowd-pleasing, high-flying match (see a trend?) ended when Mercury caught a diving Red with a big facebuster for the pin.
Before the main event, “Wildcat” Chris Harris came back out to complain that the fans’ booing distracted him and caused him to lose. Norm Connors said Harris would have one more chance to earn an OWL contract.
Harris will have to beat Ballz Mahoney in an extreme rules match on the next Cleveland show or he will be banned from OWL forever.
Match 8: Sean “Val Venis” Morley pinned Tracey Smothers.
Morley gets a huge “former WWE star” pop before Tracey Smothers demands Morley’s “Hello Ladies” music is shut off. He presents a letter from WWE attorneys stating the Val Venis gimmick and music are corporate intellectual property.
After threatening the crowd with “Super Double Ultra Mega Mass Homicide,” Smothers challenges Morley to a dance-off. Smothers attacks during Morley’s turn to dance.
Morley weathers the storm and eventually wins with the Money Shot, which I guess will need a new name as well.
So the core of the OWL roster, earning contracts to appear on every show, are: M-Dogg, Cabana, Meanie, Quack, McChesney, Xavier, Mercury, and Morley.
They will compete in the quarterfinals and semifinals of the OWL title on tournament on the next Cleveland show (Show No. 3).
But they will also get to choose mystery partners for the OWL tag team title tournament, which will begin in Cincinnati on Show No. 2. The Cincinnati show will also include a Gimmick Battle Royal, with the winner earning an OWL contract.
The main event in Cincy will be Paul London against the debuting Shawn “X-Pac” Waltman.
I hope you enjoyed this, and I’m looking forward to your feedback.
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