20 Most Painful Videos of Retired Athletes Embarrassing Themselves
They say fame is addicting. So when an athlete hangs up his/her uniform for the last time, the struggle begins. How do I stay relevant? Popular? The topic at dinner tables and bar stools across the land?
Some retired athletes don't cope well and turn to crime. Others try to find a second life as actors, reality show stars, commentators, rappers or politicians. Anything that puts them in the public eye.
Some of those endeavors go well. Others do not.
Click on to see 20 cringe-inducing videos of retired athletes seeking a beam of limelight by any means necessary.
20. Howie Long (Dis)graces the Silver Screen
Back in the mid 1990s, Tinseltown was looking for the next big action star to replace the aging Bruce Willis, Sly Stallone and Arnie.
Howie Long was on the short list. Until he monotoned his way through this abomination.
So who then emerged as the new big action stars?
19. The Magic Hour
Entertainment Weekly described Magic Johnson's short-lived talk show a "critically lambasted, ratings-challenged program."
Even the show's co-host, Craig Shoemaker, told the press the show was "an absolute nightmare." He was fired shortly afterward.
As a host Magic seemed painfully uncomfortable, and he was deemed ultra-sycophantic towards his guests.
The clip here is with guest Howard Stern, who had been one of the show's biggest mockers.
18. Shaq Loses a Bet
OK, so Shaq was just clowning here, and we all know he wasn't deeply humiliated. Still, his hungry butt crack seems to have snatched up one side of his boxer briefs and part of his sport coat as well. That coupled with the extra poundage he's been wearing, well, it doesn't make for the best look.
By the way, stay with the video until the end to catch Shaq strutting his stuff on the beach in a pink Speedo after losing another bet.
17. Possum Chuck
Phil Robertson was ahead of Terry Bradshaw on the depth chart at Louisiana Tech. Whereas Bradshaw went on to become an NFL legend, Robertson gave it all up to duck hunt. Yeah, take a moment to reread that last sentence if you need to.
Still with me?
Anyway, fast forward. Robertson started a duck call business. Made millions and now has his own hit reality show.
In the clip he satisfies a question that apparently had an urgent need to be answered: "What would happen if you threw a possum on a man?"
16. McEnroe Exposed
Poor Johnny Mac can only watch helplessly as players rifle through his bag, then exhibit his belongings to the world at large.
It's all fun and games until one of those clowns realizes the pair of skivvies on his head isn't washed.
15. Arnie Doesn't Know How to Vote
It's not too hard, Mr. Governor. You get to pick a single candidate for each race. Single. That's a concept you're probably getting used to again by now.
14. Ultimate Fighter, Awful Dancer
Liddell is considered one of the worst contestants of all time.
Though he's wooden and looks like he's about to poop his pants every time he cha-chas, Liddell isn't fully to blame for this failure.
It's just uncomfortable for spectators to watch him in this role. There's a subtle but inherent fear that he'll get frustrated and slug Anna in the jaw with his signature overhand right.
13. Carl Lewis Withers the National Anthem
Ingredients for a national anthem disaster:
1. Equating fame with talent
2. "Artistic" license
4. Promises to improve mid-performance
12. Canseco Discusses His Movements
So now you all know how Jose vacates. You're welcome.
11. Bally's Ad
Click...Ka-pow! Click...Ka-pow! Click...Ka-pow! Click...Ka-pow! Click...Ka-pow!
Five shots of anti-aircraft ordnance. Five direct hits. Five legends crashing and burning.
10. Schilling Taps out
Former Red Sox great Curt Schilling's 38 Studios, a video game design company, blew through 50 million in public funds and then went belly up.
Schilling allegedly put all his own eggs (another 50 million of them) in the 38 Studios basket.
And sadly, no Easter bunny came along to give a refill.
This on-air pseudo apology did nothing to help his sunken public image.
9. Grumpy Old Men
Long-ago CFL rivals Angelo Mosca and Joe Kapp have apparently refined the art of grudge harboring.
This footage of the two senior citizens erupting with old hatred at an alumni luncheon is almost too ridiculous to believe.
8. Maradona Coaches in Dubai
Maradona's coaching gig in the Middle East was short lived. There was issue of the dismal record his team had. Then there was his histrionics with fans (kicked one, charged into the stands after another...). And then there were those floods, which made him look like a pubescent five-year-old.
7. Simon Sez "Fail"
This Dennis Rodman thriller has everything you'd want in an action film: High-octane action, sexy women, corny one-liners.
Why it wasn't better received is simply mystifying.
6. Deer in the Headlights
NBA player turned coach Dan Majerle snags the ball out of mid-air without flinching. Without taking a step. Without disturbing the food on his plate.
But his dopey prolonged disbelief double negates the awesomeness of the catch.
5. Kenny Mayne, Toe Crusher
ESPN ranked him as the worst athlete contestant.
DWTS itself awarded the former football player turned journalist the "Best Worst Dancer" prize (see video).
Mayne three-stepped the two-step. He ach-ach-ed when he needed to cha-cha. He tang-went the tango. He mustard-ed instead of salsa-ed.
The man's just got no dance. None at all.
4. Joe Wants a Kiss
Broadway Joe gets collared with a CUI (commentating under the influence).
3. Barkley Kisses Ass
So Charles Barkley kissed the rear end of a farm animal. Yeah, that happened. Uh huh. Yup.
2. HALO Pooch
Meet River. Not the fastest pooch out of the gate. He was 7-for-34 in his race career. Now he fancies himself something of a new age crooner.
Listen as he belts out the theme to Halo.
Fans everywhere eagerly await his rendition of Madden NFL '12.
1. George Brett Double Tapers One (uncensored)
Note: This video contains content and language that some viewers may find offensive.
This is so quotable one barely knows where to start.
But the greatest thing about this video is not GB, but the other players. They are so uncomfortable, so horrified, so disgusted, they don't know what to do. They nod respectfully. They manage to hold in their gags. They try to amble away only to be followed. They grimace and bear it like the professionals they are.