Dear Pittsburgh Pirates, Is It Too Much to Ask...

After 16 straight losing seasons for the Pittsburgh Pirates, there is probably not a whole lot fans can expect.

But as highly paid professional athletes, I have a few requests for each player on the roster.

Hey, maybe we'll lucky and come through with a .500 season.

I can always at least pray. In Nate We Trust.

Nyjer Morgan

Please try to not do anything incredibly stupid like attempt to steal third, try to throw a runner out at the plate, or forget your 1970's Roberto Clemente socks.

And try not to look like you're flailing a croquet mallet at the plate when you hack at outside fastballs.

Donnie Veal

Please throw the heat as many times as possible when you take the mound in relief.

The more 95 mile-an-hour fastballs you chuck, the more effective you will be.

Andrew McCutchen

Ain't it about time you played for the big league team?

Please buy a navigation system for when you are playing center field. Your path to a fly ball is more convoluted than MapQuest instructions.

Ramon Vazquez

Please be able to play every infield position as well as Doug Mientkiewicz.

It'd be nice if you were willing to mix it up and throw haymakers with Randy Johnson when the G-Men come to town, too.

Freddy Sanchez

Please don't let me hear another murmur about your elbow problems.

You say they are in the past, so go out and prove everyone on the planet wrong. You really are one of the best hitting second basemen in the league.

Sean Burnett

Please, no more implosions. No more games with five walks, a hit batsman and a wild pitch in a third of an inning.

Be consistent, no matter how hard that might be for you.

Craig Hansen

Please, I hope you can throw a fastball better than you get ready for picture day. Use this one at PNC Park and I'm sure they'll think twice about hogging the plate.

Also, prove me wrong on a personal level that you are not the biggest waste of a 6'6" frame in baseball.

Tyler Yates

I don't know how a guy who attended the University of Hawaii, Hilo Branch, would find himself in Pittsburgh.

But however you got here, do absolutely nothing different than last year. The seventh inning is chow time for you.

Phil Dumatrait

Please heal faster than you can get guys out. Your stuff is disgusting when you aren't suffering from some sort of ailment.

Brandon Moss

Please contribute something positive every once in a while. You're no Jason Bay, but at least smack a few out of the yard this year.

Play some more video games, too, so you can strengthen your thumbs.

Craig Monroe

Please relieve Nyjer Morgan of his job in left field. The more baseballs you mash over the fences, the better your chances are.

Nate McLouth

A 100-run and 100-RBI performance isn't out of the question this year, is it? After all, you are "Nate the Great."

Another Gold Glove would be superb too.

Ian Snell

You are wilder than a rodeo bull on the mound, just without the ability to throw riders off.

Please continue throwing that nasty change, you might even strike out more guys. Another 170 strikeout season surely isn't impossible...

Jimmy Barthmaier

I've only seen you pitch in person once, and that was when you gave up seven runs in two-and-a-third innings of shellacking against the Rays.

Please, for the sake of your own dignity, stick to the bullpen. Triple A would would work too.

Ryan Doumit

Please put on the catching gear more than you did last season.

I know that major league catchers only average about 120 games a season, but you can do better.

Continue demolishing NL Central pitching while your at it.

Jack Wilson

For a guy who's worn a Pirates uniform as long as I can remember, there isn't too much to ask.

A SportsCenter-worthy defensive gem per night would be nice, along with your usually wasted base hit.

Adam LaRoche

Fire your travel agent, please. He books you on all the wrong flights.

You take your vacations during the first month of the season!

A guy who can mash pitches into the Allegheny River on a daily basis should not be batting .163 under any circumstances.

Zach Duke

Please continue devouring All-Star-caliber rosters into the regular season.

Keep pitching this well and you might even be in the consideration for (gasp) team MVP.

Paul Maholm

You got robbed last year, honestly. Nine wins is no reflection of how well you pitched.

Keep shutting down teams in the regular season and you might even get a spot on the All-Star team.

Wait, a Pirates PITCHER on the All-Star roster?

All you have to do is own the Cardinals' lineup and you're so there.

Pedro Alvarez

Demolish minor league pitching to the tune of a .440 average with 40 homers in half as many games so they have no other choice but to promote you.

Eric Hinske

Well, between the two of us, you're the magician.

How about bringing some of that Rays magic to the Steel City?

Tom Gorzelanny

Gorzo, it seems like you're going through some rough times, to put it nicely.

What happened to that amazing curveball?

I think your 6.66 ERA last year has something to do with it.

Please Gorzo, work your tail off in triple A and get back to Pittsburgh!

Matt Capps

Mad Capper, please deliver us 40-45 saves this year. I don't think that's impossible, do you?

John Grabow

You were money in the bank for Team USA at the WBC. Just do the same for the black and gold, eh?

Jose Tabata

Own minor league pitching as much as you own your 43-year-old wife.

Er, wait. That doesn't work so well.

How about learning some more positions, too? Shortstop would be awesome.

Andy LaRoche

Please continue to bat like a little leaguer. That'll give the brass more incentive to call up Pedro Alvarez.

Until then, at least TRY to make contact once in a while.

Evan Meek

Prove to everyone that your incredible spring training stats are not an aberration.

I hate the word "potential". But you've got lots of it, so put it to use.

Ross Ohlendorf

If you don't know who MATT MORRIS is, I suggest you figure it out.

Please contribute ANYTHING positive to the starting rotation.

John Russell

Maybe you could smile a little. Although, I'd be the same way if my pitching staff was awful too.

Dig the shades anyway.