Dear Pittsburgh Pirates, Is It Too Much to Ask...

Please try to not do anything incredibly stupid like attempt to steal third, try to throw a runner out at the plate, or forget your 1970's Roberto Clemente socks.

And try not to look like you're flailing a croquet mallet at the plate when you hack at outside fastballs.

Please throw the heat as many times as possible when you take the mound in relief.

The more 95 mile-an-hour fastballs you chuck, the more effective you will be.

Ain't it about time you played for the big league team?

Please buy a navigation system for when you are playing center field. Your path to a fly ball is more convoluted than MapQuest instructions.

Please be able to play every infield position as well as Doug Mientkiewicz.

It'd be nice if you were willing to mix it up and throw haymakers with Randy Johnson when the G-Men come to town, too.

Please don't let me hear another murmur about your elbow problems.

You say they are in the past, so go out and prove everyone on the planet wrong. You really are one of the best hitting second basemen in the league.

Please, no more implosions. No more games with five walks, a hit batsman and a wild pitch in a third of an inning.

Be consistent, no matter how hard that might be for you.

Please, I hope you can throw a fastball better than you get ready for picture day. Use this one at PNC Park and I'm sure they'll think twice about hogging the plate.

Also, prove me wrong on a personal level that you are not the biggest waste of a 6'6" frame in baseball.

I don't know how a guy who attended the University of Hawaii, Hilo Branch, would find himself in Pittsburgh.

But however you got here, do absolutely nothing different than last year. The seventh inning is chow time for you.

Please heal faster than you can get guys out. Your stuff is disgusting when you aren't suffering from some sort of ailment.

Please contribute something positive every once in a while. You're no Jason Bay, but at least smack a few out of the yard this year.

Play some more video games, too, so you can strengthen your thumbs.

Please relieve Nyjer Morgan of his job in left field. The more baseballs you mash over the fences, the better your chances are.

A 100-run and 100-RBI performance isn't out of the question this year, is it? After all, you are "Nate the Great."

Another Gold Glove would be superb too.

You are wilder than a rodeo bull on the mound, just without the ability to throw riders off.

Please continue throwing that nasty change, you might even strike out more guys. Another 170 strikeout season surely isn't impossible...

I've only seen you pitch in person once, and that was when you gave up seven runs in two-and-a-third innings of shellacking against the Rays.

Please, for the sake of your own dignity, stick to the bullpen. Triple A would would work too.

Please put on the catching gear more than you did last season.

I know that major league catchers only average about 120 games a season, but you can do better.

Continue demolishing NL Central pitching while your at it.

For a guy who's worn a Pirates uniform as long as I can remember, there isn't too much to ask.

A SportsCenter-worthy defensive gem per night would be nice, along with your usually wasted base hit.

Fire your travel agent, please. He books you on all the wrong flights.

You take your vacations during the first month of the season!

A guy who can mash pitches into the Allegheny River on a daily basis should not be batting .163 under any circumstances.

Please continue devouring All-Star-caliber rosters into the regular season.

Keep pitching this well and you might even be in the consideration for (gasp) team MVP.

You got robbed last year, honestly. Nine wins is no reflection of how well you pitched.

Keep shutting down teams in the regular season and you might even get a spot on the All-Star team.

Wait, a Pirates PITCHER on the All-Star roster?

All you have to do is own the Cardinals' lineup and you're so there.

Demolish minor league pitching to the tune of a .440 average with 40 homers in half as many games so they have no other choice but to promote you.

Well, between the two of us, you're the magician.

How about bringing some of that Rays magic to the Steel City?

Gorzo, it seems like you're going through some rough times, to put it nicely.

What happened to that amazing curveball?

I think your 6.66 ERA last year has something to do with it.

Please Gorzo, work your tail off in triple A and get back to Pittsburgh!

Mad Capper, please deliver us 40-45 saves this year. I don't think that's impossible, do you?

You were money in the bank for Team USA at the WBC. Just do the same for the black and gold, eh?

Own minor league pitching as much as you own your 43-year-old wife.

Er, wait. That doesn't work so well.

How about learning some more positions, too? Shortstop would be awesome.

Please continue to bat like a little leaguer. That'll give the brass more incentive to call up Pedro Alvarez.

Until then, at least TRY to make contact once in a while.

Prove to everyone that your incredible spring training stats are not an aberration.

I hate the word "potential". But you've got lots of it, so put it to use.

If you don't know who MATT MORRIS is, I suggest you figure it out.

Please contribute ANYTHING positive to the starting rotation.

Maybe you could smile a little. Although, I'd be the same way if my pitching staff was awful too.

Dig the shades anyway.