The one thing to take away from this story of college baseball players living in a haunted house is that ghosts, no matter their plight in limbo, are really just a bunch of jerks.
I apologize in advance to any and all ghosts, spirits or phantoms who may be reading this.
Among the more startling pieces of information are these ghosts like to watch the Big Ten Network and steal women's underwear.
Sounds like frat ghosts to me, but it seems these are the lasting spiritual impressions of a grandpa-type guy and a little girl.
Trevor Kenyon, a junior catcher, said he has had issues with a ghost he refers to as "Tim." It seems Tim really likes the Big Ten Network—a little too much Big Ten sports for my taste—and has changed the channel on Kenyon just to catch sports.
That's not all that spooky, just a little annoying.
Kenyon lives with "five other members of the Iowa baseball team and one club hockey player," who have recently employed the help of ghost hunters (aided with proton packs, if we're lucky).
The paranormal experts confirmed that, yup, they have a couple of ghosts. Junior pitcher Aaron Smith has a scary story for you.
We’ve lived here over the past two years. But over the past few months, we noticed things getting a little bit weird. We had a kid in here who thought he saw a ghost—a shadow in a form of a human.
We thought about how [baseball player Taylor Zeutenhorst] said he saw a little girl in his bedroom. There was a time in the morning where someone was slamming the door, and we heard sprinting up the stairs. Everyone assumed it was me, but I told them I was in bed.
Screw that noise. I would be on the first ticket out of Iowa. Not because of the ghosts, but because, you know, Iowa.
Then there was this little tidbit.
Members of the house began noticing chairs being moved around in the kitchen late at night. And on two separate occasions, girlfriends of players have had underwear removed from them while sleeping, even though they were wearing pants. Each time, the undergarments were discovered in another place. Smith said the list "sort of goes on."
So, underwear is getting swiped with pants still on? How is the FBI not looking into this open-and-shut case of ghastly thievery?
Kenyon goes on to claim he was drained of all energy anytime he stayed in the attic.
He attributed this to the ghosts taking all motivation from him. Which means I must have been haunted by ghosts during the last two years of college as well.
No, don't need a Red Bull. It won't help because I have ghosts.
I encourage you to read the entire report, which hints the players are living in what used to be a funeral home and dives deeper into ghost-hunting tools including, "thermometers, infrared cameras, voice recorders, dowsing rods and equipment to detect electromagnetic fields."
Still not proton packs.
The only thing we took from this ordeal is the players have some ghosts who change the channel when they don't like what's on TV, stand creepily in rooms, steal underwear and drain energy.
Ghosts are jerks.
Let's talk Gozer the Gozerian on Twitter.