So you’re not excited about this year’s bowl season, eh?
First and foremost, we can never be friends. Second, anyone that scoffs at free football obviously has some sort of chemical imbalance, so I don’t blame you. I blame anatomy.
If you fall into this category, however, you’ve stumbled upon the right place. We’re here to rationalize that every single bowl game can be exciting—even you Rice-Air Force—as long as you make the most of it and plan accordingly.
And really, there is no better way to maximize your viewing experience than by adding a reason (or reasons) to watch. Forget about gambling away your bathroom remodeling savings—oh, you monster—and you know damn well your bowl confidence pool will be completely demolished by New Year’s Eve.
Make things interesting this year with the helping hand of the Bowl Season Drinking Game. Oh yes, it exists. Well, at least it does now.
The rules are rather simple and can be found below. Some are game-specific; others should apply for all 35 games on tap. And yes, there will be a BCS National Championship Drinking Game, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves.
Let's celebrate another wonderful season of bowls.
Drink one every time you hear Nelly. This is ultimately played on every intro and during every commercial break, and you’re already over the legal limit just thinking about it. Call a cab.
Drink one for every awkward sponsorship/trophy presentation from some really important bigwig (most likely a CEO) in a suit. If he mispronounces a team, player or coach, make it five and add on one more drink knowing that his three-piece suit probably costs more than our entire wardrobe.
Drink one if a coach starts bleeding on the sideline. Weird rule, right? Well, it wasn’t weird last year when UL-Lafayette strength coach Rusty Whitt comfortably bled on the sidelines, now was it? Well, it was sort of weird (and awesome), but take one if it happens again. Scratch that, finish your drink.
Drink one for every Baylor-UCLA touchdown in the Holiday Bowl. If Baylor decides to unleash a 2011 Alamo Bowl kind of scoring performance, and the Baylor defense plays like, well, the Baylor defense, then you’ll probably be having conversations with a coffee table coaster by the third quarter.
Drink one for all obvious empty stadium shots. I’m sorry in advance. Make it two when attendance figures are announced and it’s about 20,000 seats inflated. You know exactly what I’m talking about, Miami fans.
Drink one when Jadeveon Clowney gets a sack against Michigan. You can just assume that you will be drinking somewhere between one and 845.5 drinks during the Outback Bowl.
Drink one when the term "realignment" surfaces. This shouldn't be an enjoyable sip and you should immediately switch alcohols afterwards to express your disgust.
Drink one for every touchdown Clemson allows to LSU in the Chick-fil-A Bowl. Had you played this game in last year’s Orange Bowl for points instead of TDs, you would’ve been hospitalized by the first commercial break in the second quarter.
Drink one for every touchdown in the Michigan State-TCU game. Consider this a potential balance-out if the rule above goes berserk, and we’ll be lucky to get a friendly casual out of this.
Drink one for all out-of-place and somewhat odd sponsorship commercials during bowls. If you want to know what qualifies, please watch this informative Beef ‘O’ Brady’s video. This is the bar that has been set.
Drink one when the term “tempo” is mentioned during the Fiesta Bowl. Nudge, nudge, Oregon, nudge, nudge. Also, make it two if Nick Saban decided to go no-huddle again, because clearly he’s been drinking as well.
Drink one when a Big Ten team wins a game. This is the part where we all stay sober and impress our loved ones with how responsible we are.
Drink one when an interim coach is shown. Considering there are approximately 4,578 coaching teams at the moment, this one could get hazardous.
Drink one when Landry Jones throws a Landry Jones-esque pass. If you don’t know what this looks like—first, take one—and second, just look for that moment when he and the other team really get on the same page.
Drink one when a college kicker misses a kick. If the kick is in the second half, make it two. If the kick is to win or tie the game with less than five minutes left—and he will miss that kick—make it five. Just go ahead and take a few right now to stock up on these.
Drink one for all mascot shots. If the mascot is live and gets away from its handler—like the Air Force Falcon did in Shreveport—make it five. We’re told the falcon won a few thousand dollars at a local casino before being returned to the school.
Drink one for Purdue and its bowl game draw against Oklahoma State. Not really sure what else there is to say other than that.
Drink one when #MACtion is mentioned on air. If you don’t know what #MACtion is, please take a drink for being uninformed. If you’re tired of hearing about MAC football, you’re either Kirk Herbstreit or an antagonist of having a “real good time.”
Drink one when Gus Johnson loses his mind during the Cotton Bowl, which is a horrible idea on my part but rules are rules. If his head finally explodes on national television, go ahead and make it two.
Drink one for all “S-E-C” chants that break out in a stadium. If an “A-C-C” chant begins, make it three. If a “B-1-G” chant is somehow started, finish every drink in your house and immediately phone the police because the zombie apocalypse is likely underway.
Drink one to celebrate and honor another year of Bowlmas. It's the beginning of the end, but a magnificent way to go out.