Snip Your Way To The Final Four

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Snip Your Way To The Final Four
(Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

There is nothing as precious as the television set (or NCAA.com) during March Madness.  Doubt me?  Read on.

Anybody with children can tell you that it is a constant battle between “SpongeBob SquarePants” and Duke vs. Villanova. Usually, the kids win. And, if you can’t get on the computer to watch the games because your wife is on Facebook chatting with her friends, fear not. I have the solution for you: Go get a vasectomy.

Crazy, you say? Consider this: The NCAA tournament is the best possible time to get snipped. What better time to be stuck on the recliner with a frozen bag of peas on your lap than this weekend during the third and fourth rounds of the tourney? 

John Campanelli of the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported on the busiest time of the urologist’s year. “I’m booked up,” said Dr. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic’s Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute, in the article. “My schedule on that part of the month filled up very quickly. It filled up ahead of time.” 

With doctors playing the Santa of March Madness, we may have created a new holiday.  A clinic in Austin, Texas is promoting their vasectomy services as “Vas Madness!” The Oregon Urology Institute in Eugene, Oregon has begun marketing tournament-timed vasectomies, even running ads on a local radio station urging guys to “lower their seed.” 

They even took it a step further and offered free pizza and a frozen bag of peas to all those who signed up. Merry Vasmas!

But what if you don’t already have children, and might like some in the future? What if you’d like to keep your “franks and beans” intact? Don’t call in sick or make up stories about dead relatives. I have other solutions that don’t involve maiming genitalia:

  • Stick your toes out into traffic. This might take some aim, since you don’t want to break the whole foot. Curbside taxi stops are great for this. A few broken toes will buy you five or six days on the couch, which will get you all the way to the NCAA championship game.
  • Go get those wisdom teeth pulled out, even if you don’t need to.  Don’t worry, it will be fairly painless, as they knock you out for this surgery. The dental surgeon will give you a nice supply of painkillers as you lie on the couch for the next few days with gauze in your mouth. The only downside is that you can’t eat nachos, but isn’t alcohol sterilizing? Clean that wound!
  • Ask for any woodworking-related projects on the “honey-do list.” Make sure the job involves intensive use of a hammer. Within an hour or so, you will have already mangled one finger trying to nail something together. Give one or two others a whack, scream out some obscenities as you run into the house, wrap the hand in ice, and presto! You have a nice couple of days resting on the couch.  Sorry, honey, can’t do any chores with these bruised fingers!
  • Pull a “hammy.” This should be one of the easier ones on the list. Go outside and challenge a few of the neighborhood kids to a pickup game. You pick the sport, it really doesn’t matter. Within a few minutes, you should be grabbing the back of your leg. As you limp inside, scream “Get me some ice, quickly!” As you’re in your recliner, your wife may feel so bad for you she may even bring you a sandwich.

Creativity is the key.  A simple stomach ache or nagging cold simply won’t do. You need to cripple yourself a bit, but don’t go overboard. A brain injury doesn’t do you any good if you’re trying to concentrate on the last 10 seconds of North Carolina versus Gonzaga. 

I think we can all agree that men certainly have their priorities straight. We are willing to go that extra mile to achieve those things that are most important to us. Sterilize me?  Sure, go for it. Heck, 600,000 men do it every year, and then are told to rest, keep the tender area on ice (frozen peas are the preferred tool of choice), and stay in a reclined position.

One can only dream.

Dave Eisley can be heard every Sunday from 11-1 on the Cheap Seats Show at http://stations.beonair.com:81/icbsportschicago

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