Snip Your Way To The Final Four

(Photo by Ethan Miller/Getty Images)

There is nothing as precious as the television set (or NCAA.com) during March Madness.  Doubt me?  Read on.

Anybody with children can tell you that it is a constant battle between “SpongeBob SquarePants” and Duke vs. Villanova. Usually, the kids win. And, if you can’t get on the computer to watch the games because your wife is on Facebook chatting with her friends, fear not. I have the solution for you: Go get a vasectomy.

Crazy, you say? Consider this: The NCAA tournament is the best possible time to get snipped. What better time to be stuck on the recliner with a frozen bag of peas on your lap than this weekend during the third and fourth rounds of the tourney? 

John Campanelli of the Cleveland Plain Dealer reported on the busiest time of the urologist’s year. “I’m booked up,” said Dr. Stephen Jones, chairman of regional urology at the Cleveland Clinic’s Glickman Urological and Kidney Institute, in the article. “My schedule on that part of the month filled up very quickly. It filled up ahead of time.” 

With doctors playing the Santa of March Madness, we may have created a new holiday.  A clinic in Austin, Texas is promoting their vasectomy services as “Vas Madness!” The Oregon Urology Institute in Eugene, Oregon has begun marketing tournament-timed vasectomies, even running ads on a local radio station urging guys to “lower their seed.” 

They even took it a step further and offered free pizza and a frozen bag of peas to all those who signed up. Merry Vasmas!

But what if you don’t already have children, and might like some in the future? What if you’d like to keep your “franks and beans” intact? Don’t call in sick or make up stories about dead relatives. I have other solutions that don’t involve maiming genitalia:

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