Joey Inspires Affection from all around him
Kevin Strootman, Joao Moutinho, Julian Draxler, Victor Wanyama and Thiago Alcantara are just a few of the talented midfielders that Manchester United have been linked with in the forthcoming January sales.
However, surprisingly, the superstar that nobody is talking about is the one and only Joey Barton, who could be the final piece of the jig saw at Old Trafford.
Here are 10 reasons why I have come to that (not) universally accepted conclusion.
Is that the way to Old Trafford?
Barton would undeniably be as available as “the whores on Seventh Avenue” (“The Boxer”- Simon and Garfunkel -1968).
The main reason for this is, of course, because no one else really wants him.
I would think that QPR would be delighted to offload him permanently unless Harry Redknapp sees him as an unlikely Messiah who can work the miracle of survival for the ailing Londoners.
Of course, availability isn’t a good enough reason on its own, and I concede that if availability was a town, it could conceivably twinned with undesirability, which probably applies to Barton, so let’s move on.
This is a big plus in an age of austerity.
I would have thought that Sir Alex Ferguson could clinch a deal with QPR for not much more than the sum of the fines Barton has paid in his combustible career.
Alternatively, he could swap him for Federico Macheda and kill two birds with one stone.
Joey would be a big hit (literally!) at the United Christmas party.
The man who could start a fight in an empty room would have a field day at the festive celebrations.
His conviction for ABH on his former teammate, Ousame Dabo ,and stomach punching of Marten Gamst Pedersen are examples of the fun he could have in a crowded room full of testosterone-filled teammates fueled with free Old Trafford booze.
4) Hates City
Despite being raised a True Blue and naming Noel Gallagher as one of his closest friends, Barton’s antics for QPR at the Etihad Stadium in the last game of last season have possibly temporarily soured his affection for City.
Whilst deep in his psyche, he will always be a Blue, the chance to get revenge on players he considers enemies who earned him a 12-match ban would probably prove an irresistible opportunity. United fans would love watching that, even if it meant that almost certainly they would be left with 10 men to finish the match.
5) He's Multilingual
In a multicultural environment that characterises the modern Premier League, the ability to converse with a wide range of nationalities is priceless.
Barton’s rapid grasp of the French language since he has been at Marseilles is impressive (see attached video), and apparently, he is also as fluent in ze cherman, el spanisho and is velly good at Japanee.
It is claimed he can abuse referees in five different languages.
6) Knowledge of Disciplinary System
Barton would be perfect choice as the team advisor on all things disciplinary inside and outside the game.
Two prison sentences, a multitude of internal fines and suspensions as well as a regular at FA hearings lead me to believe that Barton would be an invaluable asset at advising how to work the system.
Mind you, the fact that he very rarely avoids punishment does not necessarily add strength to my argument.
7) Wayne's Mate
Wayne is, apparently, always on the lookout for someone to share a cigarette break with him at halftime, and the cigar-toting Liverpudlian (another thing him and Rooney have in common) could prove to be a perfect fit here.
Sir Alex would have to provide him with a suitable ashtray, however, to avoid the fate that Man City teammate Jamie Tandie experienced when Barton stubbed his cigar out in the youth player’s eye.
To be fair to Barton, Tandie had initially tried to set fire to Barton’s shirt.
Oh, what fun we had!
8) Carrick's Minder
The current United central midfield player is a cultured, mostly mild-mannered gentleman who shies away from all things nasty on the football pitch and has a stellar disciplinary record.
I see J.B as a sort of "minder" for Carrick; ruthlessly taking out opposition players who look like they just might mean “Mr Nice” some harm and generally, in footballing parlance, “taking one for the team." (Or Carrick, in this case.)
This would only be for a handful of games per season of course, as Barton would necessarily, as a consequence of this role, be sidelined during long periods of suspension.
United already have “Ace Twitterer” Rio Ferdinand.
To have the second-most prolific tweeter in the footballing world would be a huge coup for Sir Alex, particularly as Barton’s introspective ramblings will probably remind the Boss of the erstwhile, much-lamented French philosopher of “when the seagulls etc.” fame.
“I punch, therefore I am” would seem to be the basis of Barton’s rationale.
Joey, as you might know, is an Australian term for kangaroo which, like Barton, hops it when the going gets tough.
I’m not sure where this fits in with my argument, but to be honest, I’m running out of ideas now.
I hope these measured arguments have made you consider the possibility of Barton joining United in January.
Or has it all just been a terrible nightmare?