Professional athletes are blessed with fame, fortune, unlimited popularity and the ability to play a child's game for living.
One thing professional athletes are not good at? Facial hair. In fact, it's really quite disturbing.
Pictured here are NFL quarterbacks Eli Manning and Aaron Rodgers: both elite talents, and both looking awful with their definition of "facial hair."
Unfortunately, Eli and Rodgers are not the only professional athletes taking a stab at facial hair. Here are the 25 worst attempts at facial hair in professional sports...enjoy.
This is Jason Giambi's failed attempt at a handlebar mustache.
I propose the former AL MVP spends the entire off-season watching nothing but Orange County Choppers episodes, so that way he will have ample time to let his facial hair grow out while he can learn the true art of the handlebar mustache.
Pictured is Steelers defensive end Brett Keisel sadly exiting the 2011 Super Bowl, or Super Bowl XLV as the NFL has proudly dimed it, with a heartbreaking six-point loss.
The NFL has an actual rule where players are allowed to be tackled by any excess hair hanging out of their helmet, like fellow Steeler Troy Polamolu did on this likely touchdown run.
As a defensive end Keisel spends his entire day running into an offensive linemen whose primary job is to grab people and move them, meaning he is literally giving the opponent an advantage every game while he looks like a man who refuses to shower.
This image is not one of the creepy principal at the grade school down the street from your house, but rather one of Lanny McDonald: the greatest Calgary Flame in franchise history.
McDonald played the entirety of his legendary 20-year NHL career with this insane mustache.
Former third-overall draft pick Adam Morrison is not only famous for his draft bust status and horrible facial hair, but the Gonzaga hero actually landed at No. 3 on Bleacher Report's 25 Guys We Can't Believe Have Championship Rings.
I just hope he used the NBA Finals bonuses to fund a grooming kit.
As brilliantly depicted in HBO's 24/7: Road to the Winter Classic, the Pittsburgh Penguins expose a club tradition where they hold a shootout at the end of practice once a month, and the last Penguin to score a goal has to grow a mustache for the month.
What's hilarious about this picture is that the Penguins leading scorer is wearing a mustache because this was his best attempt at a playoff beard.
His nickname is "Sid the Kid" for a reason.
Rod Beck found a bright spot in baseball's closer role between legends Dennis Eckersley and Mariano Rivera, and played every game of the 13-year career with a gnarly handlebar mustache.
When Beck was not mowing down the National League, I presume he was busy investing all of his time in a lifestyle similar to Ron Burgundy.
Unfortunately for baseball fans, Rod Beck was found dead in his home at age 38 with cocaine residue all over his house in 2007.
Long Live No. 47.
I like Aaron Rodgers' confidence.
He was drafted out of Cal-Berkeley, which isn't exactly a factory of NFL talent and better known as the location trying to round up another Ken Kesey magic bus tour, and was promptly benched to listen to Brett Favre retire a couple times.
Since, he's pretty much accomplished the holy grail of NFL quarterback achievements, which does not include this hideous bushy mustache he tried out.
You probably should discount double check a mirror before leaving the house.
I wish I could inform you that Clay Zavada showed up to the 2012 Cincinnati Reds photo day trying to look like the Reds mascot, but unfortunately, this is Zavada's look.
Even more hilarious is the fact that Zavada won the 2009 Robert Goulet Memorial Mustached American of the Year Award, which is apparently a real thing.
Just what horrible mustache-wearing people need: encouragement.
Ask your Yankee fan friend (because we all have at least one...) if he remembers what Johnny Damon looked like in 2004.
As we all know, the New York Yankees are a clean-cut organization so when they signed Johnny Damon for $52 million after he knocked the Yankees out of the ALCS in Yankee Stadium, they forced him to get a haircut and shave.
Meet George Parros, or as Sports Illustrated dubbed him "The Fighting Duck."
While Mr. Parros looks like he was just released from prison, he actually boasts a degree from Princeton in economics and was once nominated for the NHL's Masterson Trophy for sportsmanship. Go figure.
Former Chicago White Sox closer Bobby Jenks found fame in the baseball world when he finished with back-to-back 40-save seasons in 2006 and 2007, after helping carry the 2005 White Sox to a World Series win.
Today, Jenks finds time in the Boston Red Sox bullpen, where he can be found with a random amount of bleach-blond hair on his chin.
Jeff Bagwell's ridiculous ZZ Top-esque beard is one of the only bright spots in Houston Astros history since the great Nolan Ryan left in 1989.
If Bagwell cannot get into the Hall of Fame as a player, perhaps Commissioner Selig will create a "contributor" role to playing the MLB with unnecessary facial hair.
Like Aaron Rodgers and Clay Zavada, Barry "Get In My Van" Zito tried out the mustache look back in 2011, and like Rodgers and Zavada, he looks awful.
Zito shaved the stache in 2012 and was finally able to post a winning record with the San Francisco Giants.
He is a combined 43-61 since signing a $126 million deal with the Giants in 2006.
While future MLB Hall of Famer Randy Johnson can be remembered for his 300 wins, five Cy Young Awards, or even blowing up a bird during an MLB game, true baseball fans remember "The Big Unit" for his handlebar mustache and Joe Dirt mop.
Nike will forever remember Randy's unique style after producing this Cooperstown Collection product line.
Ronny Turiaf has played in the NBA for nine seasons on six different franchises, however his most memorable moment came in 2010 when he was posterized by Warriors guard Monta Ellis.
Turiaf played with the Warriors from 2008-2010 and rocked the same beard and cornrow combination, no matter how easy it is to make fun of.
Yes, former Denver Broncos quarterback Jake Plummer once reported to Broncos media day dressed as a 1970's porn star.
Did Jake Plummer make an "AFC West is a joke" joke without anyone noticing?
I usually give athletes the benefit of the doubt if they have a memorable athletic achievement like winning a Stanley Cup or, in Matt Garza's case, throwing a no-hitter.
However, Garza rocked this ridiculous thing on his face before throwing the first no-no in Tampa Bay Rays history in 2010.
Now, Garza can be found in Chicago, where the look continues to worsen.
If you haven't watched ESPN Films' 30 for 30 called Run Ricky Run, it is a must see.
In the film, the roller-coaster life of superstar running back Ricky Williams is documented and explained - including the reason for this ridiculously dirty beard-and-dreadlock combination.
Sal and his sad-shaped handlebar mustache sure look happy to be suiting up for the Colorado Rockies again!
Fasano's baseball timeline is a jackpot for frequent flyer miles as the former MLB catcher has played for 10 different MLB teams, including nine team changes in as many years.
Current Milwaukee Bucks big man Drew Gooden has played with 12 different NBA teams in his career and even earned himself a trip to the NBA Finals in 2007; however, it wasn't until his playing days with Chicago that he decided to dress like a groupie in a student alternative-rock band.
Now, Gooden is clean shaven and has logged a total of eight minutes in the 2012-13 NBA season.
Mike Commodore and his red afro-beard combo basically serve entirely as a set-up for South Park "ginger" jokes.
Unfortunately for NHL fans, Commodore only rocked this ridiculous look for the magical Stanley Cup run in 2006 with the Carolina Hurricanes.
I would personally like to thank the Oklahoma City Thunder for trading James Harden because they have officially proven that no matter the color of his jersey, James Harden's beard looks awful.
According to Harden, the fashion started in his college days at Arizona State University and has still yet to go away.
When America pays attention to soccer (once every four years) we are all blessed with the in-game analysis from former MLS and USMNT member Alexi Lalas.
Today, Lalas reports to the ESPN booth either completely shaven or with this ridiculous mustache, but back in his playing days Alexi let his facial hair make a statement of its own.
I just hope that the executives at ESPN that hired Lalas said to him: "Hey bro, we all loved that Grateful Dead show back in '72, but it's time to take a shower."
Perhaps he spent too much time in Bill Walton's van in the off-season?
This is not a horrible Photoshop by a Cubs fan, former Cardinals infielder Scott Spezio actually wore this during his MLB career.
One fan actually sold a replica "Spezio beard" during the 2011 playoffs, because not all St. Louis Cardinals fans come to Busch Stadium with a strip of red tape in hand.