Ben Sheets Jr. and Other Minor Weekend Minis/Heyman Busts

Right Field BleachersCorrespondent IMarch 21, 2009

MILWAUKEE - JULY 29: Ben Sheets #15 of the Milwaukee Brewers reacts after giving up five runs in the sixth inning against the Chicago Cubs at Miller Park July 29, 2008 in Milwaukee, Wisconsin. (Photo by Jonathan Daniel/Getty Images)

"Sweet dove, sweet dove. Gone and never to return." That's Keats.

Of the Bittersweet:

- After battling his way back to a big league camp after a concussion, Corey Koskie has reportedly called it quits. He was in his “personal jail” for over two years following a freak head injury. Saturday he walked away from the game he loved on his own terms, seemingly at peace with his departure. Koskie’s career line found him clubbing 124 homers, over 500 RBI, and nearly 1,000 hits. Officially, his last regular-season Major League stint was as a Milwaukee Brewer.

Of 5th Rules:

- Just as Milwaukee had done with Eduardo Morlan, Houston has opted to demote Lou Palmisano, a catching prospect claimed from Milwaukee in the Rule 5 Draft. By rule, Houston was required to offer him back to Milwaukee in return for $25,000. Milwaukee declined. Thus, Sweet Lou remains an Astro, and the Brewers keep Houston’s entire $50K posting fee.

Of Awesomeness:

- See: McClung, Seth/Bush, David.

Of Nomenclature:

- Minor league baseball awesomely reminds us it doesn’t take itself all too seriously. March Madness can eat it! I’m all about Minors Moniker Madness—a head-to-head tourney pitting the most hilariously-named prospects against one another. Brewers prospect Maverick Lasker, and Brewers ex-Patriot Callix Crabbe are competing in a vote-based bracket. I have “German Sacks” taking the trophy.

Of Heyman Busting:



- I’m all about busting Heyman, but I have a headache, so I am not exactly in the mood right now (you see what I did there?). But I’ll take you to the cusp with a quick plow through his latest column.

A.) He writes of Houston’s 1-16-3 record so far this spring. That’s historically bad. But Fat Elvis doesn’t care about spring records; he cares about Houston’s admittedly weak starting rotation. Note, Berkman actually looks like fat Elvis in the accompanying photo— like, barbituate-pinata, taking his last breaths as he dies on the toilet Elvis.

B.) Heyman bleeds a list of the winter’s best contract bargains— evidently using only players the average Sports Illustrated reader would know. What was his No. 1 contract? It was Orlando Cabrera and his one-year/$4M deal! As if, guy. Even if Cabrera hits his age (285), he’s not worth that many monies.

Bobby Abreu at No. 2 and Adam Dunn at No. 4 were decent calls. But Jon Garland at No. 3 and John Smoltz’s decomposed carcass at No. 5 aren’t only much worse deals than Braden Looper they weren’t good at all.

Pudge-Rod, Griffey (JAH!), and Garret Anderson all Hoveround into Heyman’s top 13 too. I’ll admit, Looper is not an exciting signing, but his affordability with the mutual option does more to help the Brewers than Griffey leaving what’s left of his knees on the turf while trying to help Seattle.

C.) The rest of the column is about Texas’ other shitstain baseball squadron, the (Walker) Texas Rangers, who (foregoing an outdated Chuck Norris joke) range from terrible to eye-gougingly bad.

Nobody cares about Brandon McCarthy, Andruw Jones, and Jarrod Saltaghfujskhfdidfdnnia. If he’s on the Rangers and didn’t fly a media-propelled rocket crucifix off a pile of used needles while hitting a buttload of dingers, I don’t see why you need to be talking at me with all this Texas stuff. If Ben Sheets signs with the Rangers and uses his female reproductive organs to give birth to an equally wuss-armed baby on the mound during a game, I might care about the Rangers.

That’s it.