"Hey Joe It's Aaron. I'm Ready to Take Your Job!"

My ideal day would go something like this...

It's 8 AM and Joe Torre calls me up.

"Aaron," Joe asks, "would you like to manage the team tonight? I realize I've been slacking lately...and I could probably could use some pointers."

"No kidding, Joe?" I reply. "You've been a complete idiot since 2001. Only a total schmuck would continue to bring in (lefty) Mike Myers to pitch to lefties even though lefties hit .330 against him, compared to .160 for righties."
 
"You're the stupidest person alive," I go on, "but I love the Yankees more then I hate you. So of course I'll do it."

 

As I'm in the middle of making the lineups, Derek Jeter comes into my office and asks if I want to take batting practice. Standing on the hallowed grounds of Ruth and Gehrig...while hitting weak ground balls like such 80s Yankee losers as Mel Hall and Pat Kelly...gives me a real emotional charge.

 

It just so happens that we're playing the Giants in an interleague game. In the top of the first, I give Rocket the thumbs up...and he shatters Barry Bonds' kneecap with a 94-mph fastball.

As Barry crawls on the ground like a 'roid-head searching for his lost needle, I'm shoved out of the dugout by the players to become the first manager ever to take a curtain call.

I also get a text message from Bud Selig, who offers me choice seats in any ballpark...for life...as a small token of appreciation.

With the score tied and the bases loaded in top of the 7th, I bring in Myers to face righty Benji Molina. Myers' sweeping curve catches Molina in on his hands, resulting in a weak pop out behind home plate.

After the Yanks score six in the bottom of the inning and go on to win, it's time for a night on the town with A-Rod. We hit his "usual spots" and then make our way to Jay Z's 40/40 club...where I end up taking home Scarlett Johansson AND the girl from the RGX bodyspray commercial (Google her—you know exactly who I'm talking about).

And that's about it: my ideal day.

Which can't even begin to compare to the actual day I had on Friday.

First, I turned on ESPN and saw that Michael Vick had been indicted on federal dogfighting charges and might sit out the 2007 season. Then I looked at the front page of the New York Post...and beheld a headline that brought tears of joy to my eyes:

I studied the words for awhile, then walked over to the window, opened it as wide as I could, and bellowed with the sort of conviction that only comes when one's long-standing theory is finally verified:

"I.... KNEW.... IT!!!!!!!!"

What a day for my two least favorite professional sports.

As a bonus, the Yankees are still in the playoff hunt, and hockey season is only three months away.

And I've got a smile as permanent as the Joker's.

Every so often, reality can actually be as sweet as fantasy. We all deserve a few of those moments once in a while.

On Friday, I got mine.

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