Well, it's my birthday coming up on the 30th, and my mom sent me a golf joke book, with not only priceless golf jokes, too numerous to print, but great quotes.
Some of these I've have seen before, and some are quite new.
I like the comedians' quotes the best, but some pro golfer's would have had great stand up comedy careers as well, especially Chi Chi Rodriquez, and Lee Trevino.
I was at Wood Ranch in Simi Valley, Calif., a number of years ago. The Senior PGA Tour dropped this course off of their schedule, in fact the next season because of 40 mile an hour winds, and greens that turned into glass-like surfaces in the heat and wind.
There were some high 80s and low 90s posted by some of the senior pro's and the complaints were very funny. to say the least. One guy asked me, how the f--- can you play in this god forsaken place, in fact. I just laughed, because I enjoyed the wind.
If I had the wind, I got good distance on my drives, and if it was in my face, I did not care, because it took me three shots to get to the green on long holes anyway.
I was watching Chi Chi practice on the putting green, clutching my program and pen, on crutches from a bad motorcycle accident. I said hey Chi Chi, and he walked over, signed my program, and said I knew you wanted something!
I got Arnold Palmer to chat with me a moment and that was a great honor. I mentioned a guy in Alabama that made my putter, that had made a couple for Arnie in the 60s, and he actually asked me to say hello for him, the next time we spoke.
Here are some classic quotes from many a famous person, and I hope you enjoy them.
It matters not the sacrifice
Which makes the duffers wife so sore
I am the captain of my slice
I am the servant of my score. Grantland Rice
There are two things that will not last long in this world, and that's dogs chasing cars, and pro's putting for pars. Lee Trevino
The game of golf was started at 11:10 a.m., the first lie about a scorecard at 11:22, and the first golf joke at noon. Bennett Serf
A game you play with your own worst enemy----yourself. Finley Peter Dunne
The most fun you can have without taking your clothes off. Chi Chi Rodriguez
A game in which you claim the privileges of age and retain the playthings of youth. Samuel Johnson
A game that begins with a golf ball and ends with a high ball. Bert Sugar
A game in which a ball 1 1/2 inches in diameter is played on a ball 8,000 miles in diameter. The object is to hit the small ball, but not the larger. John Cunningham
A game in which the ball lies poorly and the players well. Art Rosenblum
Through years of experience, I have found that air offers less resistance than dirt. Jack Nicklaus
I'm playing like Tarzan, and scoring like Jane Chi Chi Rodriguez
When I hit the ball, I want someone else to go chase it. Baseball player Roger Hornsby, on why he did not play golf.
You can always spot the employee playing golf with his boss. He's the fellow who makes a hole in one and says, "oops!" Bob Monkhouse
Golf seems like an arduous way to go for a walk. I prefer to take the dogs out. Princess Anne
I've got to figure out how to take a vacation from a vacation. Dave Stockton on playing the PGA Senior Tour.
GOLFERSWHO TALKFASTSWINGFAST! Bob Toski
The loudest sound you hear is the guy jingling coins to distract a player he bet against. Jim Murray
The IRS has made liars out of more Americans than the game of golf. Will Rogers
What I like about golf is there are no bad calls. Ivan Lendl
Just remember, golf is flog spelled backwards. Milton Berle
Golf is a good walk spoiled. Mark Twain
Golf is a game in which you yell fore, shoot six, and write down five. Paul Harvey
Golf is the hardest game to play, and the easiest to cheat at. Dave Hill
Golf is a compromise between what your ego wants you to do, what experience tells you to do, and what your nerves tell you to do. Bruce Crampton
Golf is a plague invented by Calvinist Scots to as a punishment for man's sins. James Reston
Golf is a game whose aim is to hit a very small ball, into an even smaller hole. with weapons ill designed for that purpose. Winston Churchill
Find a man with both feet firmly on the ground and you've found a man about to make a difficult putt. Fletcher Knebel
I used to play golf with a guy who cheated so badly that he once had a hole-in-one and wrote down zero on the scorecard. Bob Bruce
Willie Nelson, discussing what par is on a golf course he bought. It's anything I want it to be. For instance, the hole right here is 47. and yesterday I birdied the sucker.
I'd give up golf if I didn't have so many sweaters. Bob Hope
Chi Chi Rodriguez, on his accent. After all these years, it's still embarrassing for me to play on the American golf tour. Like the time I asked my caddie for a sand wedge and he came back in ten minutes with a ham on rye.
I'm not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they'd come up sliced. Lee Trevino
I don't like to watch golf on television. I hate whispering. David Brenner
I can air mail the golf ball, but sometimes I don't put the right address on it. Jim Dent
A hole in one, scored by accident, can keep a complete duffer playing golf for the rest of his life. "Champagne" Tony Lima
I'm hitting the woods just great, but I'm having a terrible time getting out of them, Harry Toscano
Arnold Palmer is the greatest crowd pleaser since the invention of the portable sanitary facility. Bob Hope
Man blames fate for other accidents but feels personally responsible for a hole-in-one. Martha Beckman
My best score is 103, but I've only been playing for 15 years. Alex Karras
The only thing I fear on a golf course is lightning...and Ben Hogan. Sam Snead
Serenity is knowing your worst shot is still going to be pretty good. Johnny Miller
The reason they call it golf is that the other four letter words were used up. Leslie Nielsen
If you can break 100, watch your golf. If you break 80. watch your business. Joey Adams
You can talk to a fade, but a hook won't listen. Lee Trevino
If you think it's hard to meet new people, pick up the wrong ball. Blake Lochrie
I das a wonderful experience on the golf course today. I had a hole in nothing.Missed the ball and sank the divot. Don Adams
I play in the low 80s. If it's any hotter than that, I don't play.Joe E Brown
Lee Trevino, on where professional golf would be without sponsors money: I'll tell you where it would be. Julous Boros would be a bookkeeper in Connecticut, Arnold Palmer would be in the Coast Guard, and I'd be back in Texas, picking cotton.
I learned English from American pros. That's why I speak so bad. I call it PGA English. Roberto Di Vicenzo
I'm convinced the reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not otherwise be caught dead in. Roger Simon
Golf and sex are about the only two things you can enjoy without being very good at it. Jimmy Demaret
They say Sam Snead is a natural golfer. But if he did not practice , he'd be a natural bad golfer. Gary Player on the necessity of practice.
Any game where a man 60 can beat a man 30 ain't no game. Burt Shotton
If you watch a game, it's fun. If you play at it, it's recreation. If you work at it, it's golf. Bob Hope
It's good sportsmanship not to pick up lost balls while they are still rolling. Mark Twain
You know the old rule, he who has the fastest cart, never has to play a bad lie. Mickey Mantle
Golf is a young man's vice and an old man's penance. Irvin S. Cobb
When playing golf today, I hit two good balls. I stepped on a rake. Henny Youngman
If you are going to throw a club, it's important you throw it down the fairway in front of you. That way you don't waste energy going to pick it up. Tommy Bolt
Never bet with anyone you meet on the first tee who has a deep suntan, a 1-iron in his bag, and squinty eyes. Davey Marr
The uglier a man's legs are, the better he plays golf. It's almost a law. H.G. Wells
There an old saying: if a man comes home with sand in his cuffs and cockleburrs in his pants, don't ask him what he shot. Sam Snead
Golf appeals to the idiot in us and the child. Just how childlike golfers become is proven by their frequent inability to count past five, John Updike
Give me my golf clubs, freah air, a beautiful partner, and you can keep the golf clubs and fresh air. Jack Benny
Prayer never seems to work for me on the golf course. I think it has something to do with my being a terrible putter. Rev. Billy Graham
Gimme: an agreement between two losers who can't putt. Jim Bishop
Isn't it fun to go out on the golf course and lie in the sun. Bob Hope
Hook: the addiction of 50 percent of all golfers. Slice: the weakness of the other half.
Hope you enjoyed these bits of wisdom. People always ask me what my handicap is? I tell them my swing. Have a good week and make some putts.
Thomas [NFL Mikee] Moreland