They're drowning in wealth and date supermodels on the regular. Athletes, for one reason or another, are heroes to us all.
And when they get cut from a team or make a crucial error in a crucial situation, we can't help but feel bad for these same blessed athletes; even though we're the fans sitting in nosebleed sections with hand warmers in our trousers.
And then, immediately after we start sympathizing, we realize these athletes still possess overstuffed wallets and more female fans than The View. They don't need our pity, and we don't really feel bad.
Here are the 20 athletes we almost feel sorry for. Almost.
Reasons to Feel Bad: Keeps failing in the clutch, coach Jason Garrett's play calling
But Wait: Married to Candice Crawford, makes $9 million this year
Conclusion: At 32, a playoff win is further and further away
Reasons to Feel Bad: His intelligence, blew the Olympic relay, his intelligence
But Wait: He tried to trademark the term "jeah"
Conclusion: Lochte's just living the dream
Reasons to Feel Bad: Marriage fell apart, now eclipsed by Rory McIlroy
But Wait: Marriage fell apart because of his infidelities, makes over $50 million annually
Conclusion: The comeback kid?
Reasons to Feel Bad: No offensive line, 10 fumbles and nine interceptions in nine games, blamed for Eagles problems
But Wait: $12.5 million annually, prematurely called Eagles a dynasty
Conclusion: We may have seen the last of the speedy southpaw
Reasons to Feel Bad: Dropped crucial pass in Super Bowl XLVI to seal Patriots fate, gets decked by double-sized defenders on the regular
But Wait: Married to Miss Hooters International Anna Burns, hauled in nearly $10 million this year
Conclusion: Like that fly in Breaking Bad
Reasons to Feel Bad: Can never catch a break from the media or fans, receding hairline
But Wait: Just won a ring, has an elite supporting cast, pulls in over $17 million per year
Conclusion: People love to hate the best player in the world
Reasons to Feel Bad: Jobless since being released by the Bucs in February, disgraced by the league
But Wait: Ate away a seven-year, $100 million contract from the Redskins
Conclusion: Couch potato
Reasons to Feel Bad: Concussion issues, ridiculed by most fans and opponents, considered a whiner
But Wait: $9 million per year, he's a whiner
Conclusion: The NHL's poster child
Conclusion: Time for super Mario to focus on football
Reasons to Feel Bad: Panthers 2-7, Newton often seen sulking on the sidelines
But Wait: His sulking is a bad influence, his celebrations even more so
Conclusion: Prep quarterback Jalan McClendon ejected for doing Newton's "superman" celebration during a state playoff game
Reasons to Feel Bad: Spent last two seasons in AHL, demoted by the Rangers, considered an overpaid player
But Wait: $5 million-plus per year
Reasons to Feel Bad: Hit .234 with 26 home runs in three seasons with the Mets, just got dumped by the Mets
But Wait: Still getting paid $21 million he is owed, hit .165 with eight home runs and 20 RBI this year (C'Mon man)
Conclusion: Good riddance
Reasons to Feel Bad: His Jets are 3-6, he's substituted for Tim Tebow after every positive play, the media won't leave him alone, the media calls him Tim
But Wait: He's dated Jamie-Lynn Sigler of The Sopranos and Eva Longoria of Desperate Housewives, hauls in nearly $60 million over the next five years and has a well-permed head of hair
Conclusion: Did we mention the GQ cover?
Reasons to Feel Bad: Cut from Dolphins live on HBO, recently divorced from Evelyn Lozada
But Wait: Possible new girlfriend, had 10 illustrious seasons on the gridiron
Conclusion: No. 85 is never gone for good