When the Northern Hemisphere crawls out from under winter's bitterly cold blanket, when the birds try and do it with the bees...or something, and when a young man's fancy turns to March Madness as it finally returns in all its glory.
Unfortunately, there's a little thing I like to call "the mortgage" (you may call it "rent" or "webcam service charges" or whatever!) that gums up the works of the March Madness machine.
To pay the bills, one must work for "the man,” day in and day out and that means missing a large chunk of the tournament.
Fear not, for I bring you tidings of great joy!
There are several ways one can get out of the daily grind and put you courtside—and by courtside, I mean plunking your carcas on the couch and soaking up all the action.
The Snip-Snip Defense
After slipping a couple past the goalie resulting in two more mouths to feed, it may be time to think about the unthinkable. Get the scissors ready—it's time for your vasectomy!
A do-it-yourself vasectomy is not recommended. It's best to leave that up to the professionals because, in the end, it really does make a vas deferense!
Ha! Vasectomy humor. It cuts right to the funny bone! Zing!
If stifling your seed just to watch the top seeds seems a little extreme, you should know vasectomies during March Madness are on the rise. In fact, more and more men have signed up for the operation because the recovery period lasts a good four days.
So, not only do you get a get a doctor's note to silence your boss, you also get a few days rest on the couch, with the NCAA tourney on the boob tube and some frozen peas thawing on your crotch.
Now that's a final four I can believe in!
The Sushi Spew
This one requires a little advanced preparation, a small amount of cash, and some childish behavior, which, by the way, describes most of my weekends.
Pick your games and then, a day before tip-off, pick up some takeout sushi on your lunch break. It's best if you make a bit of a show of it for your cubicle neighbors. It's imperative they know you had sushi for lunch.
Take a couple of bites and then let it sit out on your desk overnight. Do not draw attention the leftover sushi on your desk.
The following day, start the day a little earlier by stopping at the supermarket to pick up some of that quasi-sushi stuff they sell. Try to get in before your cubicle clones do. Ditch yesterday's batch and replace it with the supermarket stuff.
After all your work mates arrive, point out the sushi on your desk. Ask them if they think it would still be good enough to eat. Do a smell test and then take a bite. You know it's only been out 30 minutes but your co-workers think your nuts.
Eat a few more pieces and then throw it out.
Wait another half-hour and then get up quickly, fake a dry heave and run for the bathroom. Wretch as much as necessary and as loud as possible.
Before you leave the bathroom, run some water in your hair to make it look like you're sweating profusely. Run your hands under cold water and let them air dry. Tell the boss you're sick, you're going home, and then shake his hand in thanks. Cold and clammy hands are a great way to fool the boss.
Once on the couch, sip on some sake and enjoy the game!The Neighborhood Dolt Doctrine
Fire. It's not just for cavemen anymore!
Odds are, your boss has never met your neighbor. You, on the other hand, have probably not met your neighbor either, but what a pain in the butt he is, especially when his house catches fire.
Call your boss late evening the night before tip-off. Let him know your neighbor, the lunkhead that he is, chucked a cigarette in to the recycling bins between his and your house, resulting in a week's worth of newspapers erupting into flames.
Before the smoke detectors kicked in, the flames and smoke singed the rooftop of both houses. You were able to get the garden hose and put out the fire but now you have to wait for your insurance adjuster to assess the damage and the roofer to repair the burnt shingles.
The trick here is not to make this one whopper of a story. Larger fires tend to make the news and if you pitch it as a major disaster, you can forget about the game (and maybe your job, too!).
Play it up as if this is an annoyance and nothing more. Make sure he knows that you'd much rather be at work than explain what happened to the insurance company.
If you live in a condo, this one probably won't work for you. Try the sushi.
Good luck and enjoy the Madness!
(Disclaimer: Unless you we're actually planning on getting a vasectomy, I do not recommend you follow this advice in any way, shape, or form. If you're that hooked on NCAA basketball that you need to skip work, you probably shouldn't be working anyway!)
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