50 Things Every Sports Fan Should Know How to Do
Being a sports fan requires more than just face paint and foam fingers.
Proper attire and classy heckling are only starts to becoming a true fan. We're ready to present you with 50 things that every sports fan should know how to do. From throwing a spiral to perfectly timing that photo bomb, we've got you covered.
Ignite that grill and let's get started.
50. Show Up on Time
Nobody likes a fan who comes late, especially to the rich seats.
49. Throw a Spiral
If you lack the ability to throw a spiral yourself, you can never critique a quarterback on any level. Start practicing.
48. Stay Awake During the Game
Home offers a bed, warmth and the absence of fans tossing objects at you. Just saying.
47. Out-Stare a Television Camera
Sheer focus can only lead to pure greatness. Every sports fan must embrace his moment on camera...and wholly conquer it.
46. Educate Others on Sports History
As the steroid era reached its peak, fans felt obligated to teach others about the old-school greatness that once dominated. Beers and hot dogs: the original keys to success.
45. Revolutionize the Kiss Cam
Nobody wants to see happy couples exchanging saliva. This guy quickly becomes a legend.
44. Photo Bomb
Successful photography is only achieved through provocative creativity.
Green suits are a good start, obtuse background smiles a solid finish.
43. Make It Through an Awkward Interview
It could happen to you.
42. Bring Merchandise for an Autograph
Unless you're a sexy reporter with no shame, a sports fan must be ready for an autograph at all times. Pulling down your pants is the last resort.
41. Use Sports as an Excuse
Forget dogs eating homework. You were too sweaty and heartbroken from emotionally covering Jerry Rice during Super Bowl XXIII to have time to do anything.
40. Storm the Field
It may be a reckless tradition, but storming the field or court is a moment permanently cemented in the hearts of those lucky enough to be in attendance. When that legendary upset comes, you'll know it's time.
39. Scalp Tickets
Just don't get sloppy (see Mike Damone in Fast Times at Ridgemont High).
38. Dress to Impress
Tim "Barrel Man" McKernan became a legend in Denver and will always be remembered for his fearless wardrobe.
37. Keep a Baseball Scorebook
Most may not have the stomach for it, but baseball enthusiasts who decide to keep an updated scorebook will not be sorry. Especially when it's from Johan Santana's first Met no-hitter. Welcome to Pawn Stars.
36. Dress the Kids Up in Sports Gear
Makes for a thrilling family album.
35. Sulk for Hours After a Hard Loss
At the very least, it could make for riveting television (see Daniel Tosh).
34. Compare Young Athletes to Former Greats
Even those with horrific arguments for why their athlete is the next Jordan or Gretzky talk smack on a daily basis. It's an ugly business, learn to master it.
33. Be Superstitious
It's never weird because it always works. Once you find that lucky jersey or jockstrap, stick with it all season. If you're like Wade Boggs, maybe you'll eat some pregame chicken too.
32. Escape the Field Unscathed
Remember that guy who left the license plate on his getaway car uncovered? Yeah, don't be that guy.
31. Spell Correctly
Heartbreak will do this to a fanbase. Just ask Washington fans.
3. Everything else
29. Sneak into Better Seats
Want to feel like that guy? Make the move at about three minutes into the third quarter.
28. Be a 1920s Reporter
Scoops Callahan continues to infuse sports reporting with an old-school flavor. It's basically perfect.
27. Set a Pick Away from the Ball
Setting the "pick" before the "roll" is essential to hardwood success. Two feet firmly planted, arms crossed and a tight posture is all it takes. Get it right if you want to improve your street cred.
26. Know the National Anthem
If there's anything we've learned from 10-time Olympic medalist Carl Lewis, it's that the national anthem is no easy task. His fail was an iconic display of pride.
25. Stop Friends from Getting Team Tattoos
Note: The Texas Rangers did not win the 2011 World Series.
24. Do a Charles Barkley Impression
Compelling, and rich. Dwight Howard even does a brilliant Derek Anderson freakout.
23. Spot Celebrities in the Crowd
Like fire-breathing squirrels, a Bill Murray sighting doesn't come around often—but when it does, it's always memorable.
22. Troll Reporters
They may look frustrated, but in the end, reporters embrace their moment.
Here's a prime example of teamwork at its finest.
21. Bet on Games
Pick with a level head and not through loyalty. Good luck.
20. Always Believe
Spike Lee knows what it takes to be a true sports fan. Suffering.
19. Admit Defeat
Don't take life too seriously or you'll never make it out alive.
18. Make a Good Sign
For the boring flipside, see here.
17. Recognize a Professional Athlete in Your City
Don't let the moment slip.
16. Know the Starters
This particular failure was bound to become a journalistic masterpiece.
15. Remember the Team's Star Player
Especially when you work in the sports merchandise business.
14. Catch a Foul Ball
Give that man a contract indeed. No foul balls left behind.
13. Surf Channels Quickly
Men were born to change channels, that's a natural fact. But during a flurry of games, a top-notch performance is needed.
Just don't drown.
12. Appreciate Greatness
Simply put: Don't hate the player, hate the game. Mocking Floyd Mayweather Jr.'s arrogance and Alex Rodriguez's uselessness is one thing, but respect the humble great ones.
Whether you prefer dripping sweet sausages or fresh lobster rolls, tailgating is the ultimate experience for fans who enjoy eating, drinking and tossing miniature beanbags at pieces of wood with holes in them.
Reaching the stadium four hours prior to game time is recommended.
10. Pick out Strange Head Gear
The one bandwagon worth jumping on.
9. Toss the First Pitch
Looks like Wizards point guard John Wall didn't have time to warm his arm. For everyone who doesn't play professional basketball in D.C., this should be routine.
Even the Kardashians could handle it.
8. Wear the Right Jersey
Yes, this is a Tim Tebow Orioles jersey. And no, this isn't what we're referring to.
To get back on track, a sports fan must never wear the jersey of a team not playing in a game he attends. For example, no Kevin Love jerseys at a Lakers-Heat game.
7. Properly Heckle Opponents
Waffle tossing was a clutch addition. This fearless tandem is making memories one penalty at a time.
6. Create a Sports Halloween Costume
A ludicrous presentation from Ludacris. Replacement referees would be a close second choice.
5. Video Bomb
As blood trickles from the nose of an exhausted Alex Smith, one curious fan lingers in the background. He goes unnoticed for two legendary minutes.
4. Throw a Proper High Five
The essence of mankind. Human fuel.
3. "Remember the Titans"
The best sports movie of all time. Unless you want to count Caddyshack.
2. Win with Class
Aldon Smith makes the classy exit following a sack on A.J. Feeley. His performance serves as a lesson in life.
1. Be the Life of the Stadium
Bachelor No. 1 is a nimble ballerina with the ability to dominate an entire arena.
For more rules on how to ruthlessly love sports, follow me on twitter. Follow @z_pumerantz