The 25 Worst Kinds of Sports Tweeters
For decades, an athlete usually fell victim to his or her own words in front of a mic or during an interview with a reporter who “misconstrued” what was said. In 2012 athletes, famous or not, have a million ways to broadcast their thoughts, opinions or business interests. The fact is, social media is a virtual minefield for any guy or gal with access to the Internet.
At the top of the list of apps that have either gotten an athlete in trouble or revealed a little too much about their life and habits is Twitter.
For a communications medium that imposes a pretty strict limit on how much you can say at any given moment, Twitter is surprisingly capable of turning any person into the equivalent of nails on a chalkboard. If you follow a lot of the big names in sports, you’ve probably noticed the content of their tweets gravitate to a certain set of categories.
Beyond what the tweets actually say, how they say it simulates the experience of being neck deep in a text battle with a 13-year-old. However, I took it upon myself to dig deep into hundreds of sports Twitter accounts, and probably thousands of tweets, to breakdown the 25 worst kinds of sports tweeters.
The "Deep Thinkers"
The "deep thinkers" out there are those people constantly tweeting out nonsense that is disguised as something profound. You just know that after they type it out and right before they hit send, they're like "man…this is really going to change the world." But it doesn't.
The Team Spirit Guy
Many athletes exist on Twitter for the sole purpose of talking up his or her team's every achievement. There used to be a quiet dignity in winning during the regular season, but suddenly every win is celebrated like a championship for these guys.
The Guy Who Uses Waaaaaaaay Toooooooo Many Letterssssss
I'm not sure what's up with this. When did adding extra letters and punctuation to everything become an acceptable thing? We get it people, you're excited! Lose the excess letters.
The Guy Who Sounds Like a Fortune Cookie
The Celtics' Paul Pierce is one of the biggest fortune cookie offenders on Twitter, and that's The Truth (get it?). Piece is actually one of my favorite players who tweets on the regular, but at least 30 percent of his tweets are useless drivel like this.
The Guy Who Tweets About the Weather
I know it looks like I'm picking on Baron Batch here, but I'm not. He's actually one of the most hilarious people on Twitter, but it just so happens that he tweets about the weather, weather-related apparel and upcoming seasons an awful lot.
Tweeting mindless small talk about the weather is one of those mundane things that should be reserved for bad first dates and to fill awkward pauses at family gatherings.
The Wannabe Philosopher
I'm not one to call anyone dumb, but you need some serious academic credentials before you're considered an intellectual. Just because you are following the Dalai Lama on Twitter or ponder the finality of death doesn't make you an intellectual.
The Delusional Lunatic
There are plenty of athletes that come to mind when you think of delusional lunatics. Metta World Peace has been known to go on nonsensical Twitter rants every other week or so. But nobody does delusional better than retired roided-out slugger Jose Canseco, who honestly thinks he's in line to manage the Marlins.
The Guy Who Disrespects Women
I'm not going to go into a big diatribe about how men should treat women or vice versa. But let's just say there are a few athletes on Twitter lacking manners when it comes to the ladies.
The TMI Guy
When your great aunt laments the Internet generation and the obsession with documenting every mundane, and even disgusting, thing you do online, this is the kind of stuff she's talking about. I'm all about tweeting most of my dirty laundry for the world to read about, but I draw the line at a snart.
Updates Nobody Wants Guy
There's a reason why small talk is described in such a way; it's comprised of obvious, inconsequential information that's only appropriate when you bump into someone you hardly know or to kill the two minutes of time when your dog is sniffing the butt of some stranger's dog.
Tweets are fleeting, so shouldn't they have some kind of impact? Peter King apparently disagrees.
Dumb Joke Guy
Twitter and one-liners seem like a match made in heaven, but like the poor sap bombing on open mic night, if the joke doesn't work, the comedian just looks like a hack. Actually, bad jokes are even worse on Twitter because they're just words on the screen.
Rick Reilly is that guy who keeps trying even when the crickets are chirping.
Thank GOD for EVERYTHING Guy
Hey, I get it—God is a big part of your life and you're grateful. And Twitter allows you to share this gratitude to thousands of people instantaneously.
When I think about the fact that my heart and about two dozen other vital organs are all working together to make this girl a living, breathing human being, I get freaked out—which is kind of like me giving a shout-out to God.
But, it's OK to give yourself a little credit for mundane achievements like waking up or tying your shoe. Give God, and your followers, a little break every now and then.
Seriously, Who Cares? Guy
This is a simple case of the offender blurring the line between Twitter and stream-of-consciousness. Following an athlete or great sports writer can be really interesting or convenient; it's an easy way to get breaking news or even a little window into their life and work.
You know what isn't constructive? Hearing about every impulse and thought crackling in your brain.
If you ever need a perfect example how terribly bad Twitter can be in the wrong hands, look no further than Jose Canseco's account. Like Hurricane Sandy, his musings are the convergence of many different, terrifying forces into one perfect storm.
And it's engrossing.
The Guy Desperately Trying to Make His Word Happen
For some reason a lot of athletes feel the need to make up their own words and then tweet it out obsessively, hoping to make it happen. Sorry Ike, stop trying to make SWURVEN happen—it's not going to happen!
The Guy Who Is Just a Bulletin Board
There's nothing wrong with promoting whatever you're doing on Twitter, but it's extremely annoying when it's the only thing you do. MMA fighter BJ Penn is a prime example; this is literally the only thing he ever does. He doesn't even promote himself most of the time...just whatever is going on.
The Guy Who Is Having a Party
Celebrities and athletes do this stuff all the time. Sure, it may be Metta World Peace's birthday, but he's getting a big fat paycheck for every dome he brings through the door. This kind of pandering is just pathetic.
The Guy Who Retweets His "Haters"
Athletes and journalists are notorious for retweeting their "haters." I think it's because they are hoping that their massive Twitter following will fight their battles for them. But in the case of ESPN reporter and national plague, Rick Reilly, I'm sure that he has far more detractors than defenders.
The Guy Who His Selling His S**T
These guys are entitled to make a buck, but you are entitled to follow them for their constant barrage of tweets hawking absolutely useless garbage that will do nothing but line the pockets of people who are already making millions.
The Guy Who Says Good Morning and Goodnight Every Day
Roddy White certainly isn't the only offender here, but he might be the most consistent. He literally does this every single day, and there are plenty of other people on my Twitter feed that do the same thing.
The Guy Who's Obsessed with Haters
Most people in the Internet age have "haters." That's just a fact of life. But most of us just ignore them and move on with our lives like normal human beings. Unfortunately, there are many athletes who can't help themselves when it comes to haters.
So they spend most of their day tweeting about their haters and the rest of it tweeting about how awesome their lives are. Which makes you wonder what they're trying to prove.
The Political Know-It-All
This goes both ways with Democrats and Republicans, but there is no athlete that tweets more obsessively about politics than Cardinals kicker Jay Feely. What's that saying about kickers being seen and not heard?
The Shameless Self-Promoter
There's nobody in the business that self-promotes like boxer Floyd "Money" Mayweather. It's a pretty common thing on Twitter, but sometimes people will get off topic occasionally and tweet about the weather or a movie they went to see. Not Mayweather and people of his ilk, it's all #Money all the time.
The Guy with a Big Mouth Who Says Nothing
You know the type. ESPN's resident screamer Stephen A. Smith is an excellent example. You put this guy on television and you'd need the hand of God to step in to shut this guy's mouth, yet on Twitter he offers absolutely nothing.
The Self Help Guy
Some people should quit Twitter and just get started on their very own self-help book. It's amazing how many athletes have an unending supply of rules for success and motivational phrases. Most athletes do this from time to time, but Quinton "Rampage" Jackson comes up with a mind-numbing nugget like these every few hours.
If you're looking to follow some who isn't any of these guys...well maybe I'm dumb joke girl...hit me up with a follow on Twitter. The occasional suggestive photo outweighs the dumb jokes. Follow @blamberr