Reid Compton-US PRESSWIRE
I found your problem, guys: You're supposed to play football standing up. Hope that helps. Thanks.
The Heart of Dallas Bowl and Little Caesar's Bowl will have to look elsewhere for bowl participants, as the list of Big Ten bowl teams stops there. Here's a look at everyone else in the conference.
From the Legends Division, only Iowa stays home at 5-7 (3-5). The Hawkeyes pick up a win against a lifeless Purdue squad, but losses at Indiana and Michigan plus a season-ending loss at Kinnick to Nebraska doom the Hawkeyes.
In the Leaders, meanwhile, Indiana rues its two non-conference collapses against Ball State and Navy as it also stays home at 5-7 (3-5). Purdue goes 4-8 (1-7), and it would be the worst team in the conference if it weren't for the relegation-worthy Illinois Fighting Illini at 2-10 (0-8). How did Illinois win two games? Seriously.
Iowa fans will probably object to the notion of a loss at Indiana, but the Sagarin ratings have Indiana ahead of Iowa in the predictor...by nine spots (No. 66 vs. No. 57). If Iowa takes that game, it'll get bumped into the Meineke Car Care of Texas Bowl over Minnesota, who would then go to the Heart of Dallas Bowl instead.
Other than that, though, Indiana would have to win against Wisconsin or at Penn State for its sixth win, and neither scenario seems even plausible. That being said, since we've got Wisconsin at 5-3 and Indiana at 3-5, a Hoosier upset over the Badgers (which is in Bloomington; we're just sayin') gives both teams a 4-4 conference record and Indiana the head-to-head tiebreaker.
You know what tAhat means? A 6-6 Indiana...in the Big Ten Championship. NEVER DOUBT THE DARKEST TIMELINE.