The Midwest is set to start first round action today in Omaha. If you want to know who is going to win these matchups ahead of time, look no further. All you have to do is listen up as I break down the outcome via pretend mascot fights. It's really the only logical way to go about it.
(1) Jayhawks vs. (16) (Portland State) Vikings
I have always known Norsemen to be fierce. They will surely be ready to raid and pillage whatever opponent stands in their way.
But wait! What's that I hear in the distance? "Roccck....Chaaaalk....Jayhawk."
That smiling little Jayhawk must have outsmarted the seafaring Scandinavians and tied them up while they were sacrificing goats and polishing their horned helmets.
(8) Runnin' Rebels vs. (9) Golden Flashes
Who are these people from Las Vegas rebeling against, and what are they running from? This is just one man's opinion, but I think it's Antonio Gates.
EDGE: KENT STATE
(5) Tigers vs. (12) Wildcats
Wow, can you say generic? These two schools (Clemson and Villanova by the way, since it could be hundreds) may want to invest a little more in creativity.
This particular Tiger did spend a couple rounds in overtime with the mighty Tar Heel. Is that too much actual basketball logic for what we're trying to accomplish? Oh well.
(4) Commodores vs. (13) Saints
No competition. The soothing sounds of this funk/soul trio will demolish all comers. The Saints may have God on their side, but the Commodores have Lionel Ritchie.
(6) Trojans vs. (11) Wildcats
I was torn between going with another commonplace "wildcats" nickname or calling them the Fighting Michael Beasley's. Either way, that Trojan has a sword.
(3) Badgers vs. (14) Titans
Remember the Titans? You won't even be able to identify them after a badger has had its way with them. Have you ever seen one of those things? They're tenacious.
Seriously, my friends, if you ever find yourself in the woods alone steer clear of badgers.
(7) Bulldogs vs. (10) Wildcats
Oh, great. Another one. Thanks a lot Selection Committee. When are we going to finally get a chairman who values intriguing mascot duels? I have cited the weaknesses of both these animals in previous games, so we're going to have to take a closer look at location.
These bulldogs are from the Pacific northwest and are more than likely hippies...which will slow their reaction time.
(2) Hoyas vs. (15) Retrievers
"Hoya" is a Greek word meaning "what." What? I am as confused as you are. I am tempted to punish the Hoyas for having yet another bulldog, "Jack the Bulldog," as the physical representation of their mascot.
How can I claim to be a Mascotologist, though, and go with a dog whose only skill is fetching a stick? That just will not fly.