The Beckham Chronicles: A Gibson Translation

David Beckham is committed to the LA Galaxy.  I know, because he said so in an interview yesterday.  Five times.

Say you don’t care if you want and smackback with lines of ZZZZZZZZ’s, but ask yourself, do you really want to read another holy-crap-I-can’t-believe-it-Clemens-lied-about-roiding story?  Every day another headline on it. Like something new happened.  But I read the dope and it’s the SOS.  What the F?!

Back to Beckham.

David Beckham (first response to moronic ESPN interviewer):  I’m very committed to the MLS and to the Galaxy but looking to 2010 and the World Cup with England I knew I had to play at the highest level and I knew I had to play in Europe so I wanted to extend my loan deal with Milan.

Walter Gibson translation:  Soccer in America sucks.  Soccer groupies in America suck. Actually, there’s no such thing as soccer groupies in America.  Just gold-digging whores. Italian women are hot and they keep their mouths shut so that their older brothers don’t go mafia on their best lays.  I like it in Milan.

David Beckham (second response):  I want my fans to realize I’m still committed to the Galaxy.  I am still committed to the MLS and being an ambassador.

Walter Gibson translation:  The Galaxy is a team in Los Angeles, where people have guns. Yes, we have soccer hooligans in England, but when I come back to California, I just want to pick up my (35 million dollar) check without being shot by some (asshole) American.

David Beckham (third response):  I want to be involved in the MLS going forward because I believe it will get bigger.  I wouldn’t have committed myself to the Galaxy as an MLS ambassador if I didn’t believe the sport would grow.

Walter Gibson translation:  When my playing career is done, I want to make even more money.  It’s really unlikely the MLS will ever be any good, but if it is I want to make sure that I have an option to cash in.

David Beckham (fourth response):  At the moment I’m contracted to the Galaxy and I’m committed, but like I said leading up to 2010 everybody knows I need to play football at the highest level.  Still, I’m committed to the Galaxy.

Walter Gibson translation:  The dollar is gaining on both the Pound and Euro lately, so in between soccer games in Europe, I’ll grab a seat in first class, get a wank from the flight attendant, and come back to the Home Depot Center to make some dough and buy Posh a new Benz.

David Beckham (fifth response):  I’ve already said that I will be going back to the Galaxy and I am committed to the Galaxy and my team-mates there, but at the moment I need to be playing my football here (in Italy).

Walter Gibson translation:  The espresso here is really good.  And the gelato too.  Come to think of it, life is good here.  I read the paper every morning at a café at the Piazza del Duomo. 

It’s nice, a lot nicer than the corner of Wiltshire and S. Figueroa.  The paper said that Landon Donovan is coming back to the Galaxy for the beginning of the season.  That should help.

I’m starting for one of the best teams in the world and I’m scoring goals.

I work my ass off on the pitch and play at the highest level so I can represent my country with pride.  Soccer players are always on loan.  It’s part of the game.  Blow me.


Italy is birthplace to Ferrari, Ducati, and Sophia Loren.  Questions?

For more Eddie Shore, check out www.dailyballbreakers.com (real guys holding sports accountable), or if you hate the WNBA, try www.dbbsports.com.