Caddies in the Mist

I’ve spent a lot of time with caddies. Some of my best friends are caddies, and I used to manage the program at both The Quarry and at Black Rock. Although not a caddie myself, I feel like Dian Fossey studying the gorillas.

I’ve been accepted into their culture and have seen things that few outsiders could ever experience. A recent trip to Palm Springs gave me a chance to re-connect with some of my caddie friends, and it was an interesting look into this strange subculture.

We’ll call it Caddies in the Mist…

Feb. 13, 2009: I arrived in Palm Springs and was met at the outpost by Sonny, an average specimen of the species. Approximately one in four of all caddies appear to be left-handed Canadians, and Sonny is no exception.

These strange migratory creatures follow the geese south every winter to warmer climates, driving their cars in regimented lines, taking turns being the leader and honking “Eh, eh…” on their journey south.

The Spring Caddie Run as they all return north with their pockets flush with cash, can leave a swath of destruction like that left by stampeding herds of buffalo in the wild west days.

We spent the evening with Sonny and his companions at a local ‘watering hole’. It was interesting to note their unsuccessful attempts to attract females. I have learned that in the caddie culture there are definitely two classes of males.

The ‘alpha’ males are those who caddie for PGA Tour players, or have one or two very wealthy clients. They are able to purchase nice cars with their earnings, and generally attract the majority of the females.

The ‘beta’ males eke out a living playing with whomever they can get a game or ‘loop’ with. They generally don’t purchase cars; they live in them.

These secondary citizens, or Mr. Betas, do not receive much interest from the ladies, but they generally seem very content and relaxed. Perhaps some local flora that is a part of their diet induces a calming effect? We retired early for the night and prepared to resume our hunt in the morning.

Feb. 14, 2009: We arrived at the agreed upon rendezvous and began our preparations for the day’s activity. Although we intended to partake of the local sport, a strange custom called ‘golf’—it was also an opportunity to observe the ‘loopers’ in their natural habitat, toiling for their daily sustenance.

As we observed the caddies with their groups, we found that these hard-working beasts provided a great deal of assistance to the players. They seemed to be doing many of the chores involved in the game and dispensing advice and wisdom.

This allowed the players to more thoroughly enjoy themselves.

After a great deal of study, I believe that I have finally begun to understand the communications patterns of these majestic creatures. It’s important to remember that a large percentage of the things that come out of a caddies mouth are complete nonsense.

This may be a defensive strategy, or a way to confuse their prey. However, occasionally your caddie might need to deliver bad news. It helps to be able to quickly sift through the subterfuge customary to caddie-speak and decipher the true meaning of the message being sent.

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