The Answer in '08: Mike Ditka for President

My fellow Americans, let us rejoice: We have found our champion!

Someone who can return our country to its former glory. Someone who will fight for the rights of the common man. Someone who can unite the People in 2008.

So who is this savior?

Hillary Rodham Clinton?

Nope.

John McCain?

Sorry.

Barack Obama?

Afraid not.

Dick Cheney?

Please do the world a favor and have yourself sterilized so you don't pollute the gene pool.

No, no, fellow citizens—the hero we've been waiting for is none other than Iron Mike Ditka.

I know that some of you will be skeptical, but look: If that illiterate B-actor Ronald Reagan can be President, anything is possible.

Why am I throwing my support behind Iron Mike?

Simple: After watching him take on the NFL over disability and pension benefits—and, unlike President Bush, getting Congress to agree with him, I knew he was the man for the job.

Consider the major issues at stake in '08. Ditka's credibility on health care reform is obvious. As far as the war in Iraq and the War on Terrorism—the game of football is so ridiculously rife with war analogies that Ditka has to be a competent Commander in Chief.

The Hall-of-Famer already knows all about the trenches and the battlefield. What's more, he could name Buddy Ryan, father of the vaunted 46, as his Secretary of Defense.

If the man behind the 1985 Chicago Bears D can't win in Iraq and keep us safe at home, I don't know who can.

Ditka will also bring a simple solution to America's illegal immigration problem: He'll employ former Bears defensive tackle William "Refrigerator" Perry to guard the border.

Anyone who has seen Perry knows there's no way anyone's getting past him. As a bonus, the Fridge's food budget will be marginally less expensive than the cost of a 700-mile border wall.

With respect to presidential intangibles, finally, Candidate Ditka has his bases covered. To wit:

Budget conscious?

Check. He had to work under a salary cap in the NFL.

Ability to work with different personalities?

Yep. He coached Jim McMahon. Enough said.

Able to handle the press and the public?

Come on! He coached Da Bears—he knows how to keep the media and the fans at bay.

So seriously now: Who's with me?

Mike Ditka '08.

In Ditka we trust.