The college football offseason is the most boring part of the year for me. I vehemently search around the web in hopes of finding some interesting football-related article to satisfy my appetite. Many days I go hungry.
One day I found myself looking at every team mascot in the FBS and I thought for a moment, “Wow! There are some pretty lame and overused mascots out there.” So, of course, I began to conjure up all kinds of wholesome mascots that have been sitting on the sidelines just waiting to get that call from upstairs telling them it’s their time.
Don’t get me wrong, there are a lot of cool mascots out there and I applaud those schools for wanting to intimidate their opponents. But to others (you know who you are, too) I have to ask, “What were you thinking?”
Listed alphabetically by conference:
First the BCS Conferences
ACC
Best Mascot: Miami Hurricanes—Every second a hurricane releases as much energy as an explosion from a nuclear bomb. Now that’s power. Good job Miami.
Honorable Mention: Wake Forrest Demon Deacons—Any mascot that uses “Demon” to describe it gets two thumbs up.
Worst Mascot: Maryland Terps—Sure you tried to make the turtle look all mean and scary, but you’re not fooling anyone. Maybe if you were the “Teenage Mutant Ninja Terrapins” I could let it slide. You’d be heroes in a half shell!
New Mascot: Maryland Malaria—Yeah, I went there. Your mascot is now a deadly disease—probably the first recorded disease mascot in sports history. Every year, malaria kills between one and three million people worldwide. Talk about striking fear in your opponent.
Dishonorable Mention: Virginia Tech Hokies (Virginia Tech Vampires or Vultures)—One is the living dead and the other eats the dead…pick one.
Big East
Best Mascot: Pittsburgh Panthers—Pitt went conservative on this one and I can dig it. It’s a fan favorite. Like peanut butter and jelly or spaghetti and meatballs. Any man-eating animal is a smart choice.
Honorable Mention: West Virginia Mountaineers—A bearded man covered from head to toe in animal skin drives the ladies crazy.
Worst Mascot: Syracuse Orange—Who didn’t see this one coming? Out of all the cool things in this world, Syracuse went with fruit. Oranges aren’t even grown in Syracuse. The only edible fruit that I know of that is somewhat frightening is the coconut. It has been known to kill people when it falls from the tree.
New Mascot: Syracuse Sasquatch—I was leaning towards the Abominable Snowmen but I went with the North American version of Bigfoot. I have one task for you Syracuse—find a real life Sasquatch! You could chain it up and bring it to all the sporting events and parade it around like other schools do with their mascots (buffaloes, tigers, etc.). How awesome would that be?
Dishonorable Mention: South Florida Bulls (South Florida Stingrays or Sharks)—Bulls in Florida make no sense. Stingrays or sharks in Florida make perfect sense.
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