You’ve made it. We’ve made it. The college football season is here. The offseason is over. This calls for a celebration, and I have no doubts that you will handle this with the utmost care.
The masses will flock to stadiums this weekend to see football played, although many of us will choose to watch the whole thing from the comfort of our family room coach. An HD television, food of the delicious variety and beverages are all you need to get by. After all, sunlight is overrated.
We’re honoring the opening ceremony in the purest of forms.
The 2012 Opening Weekend Drinking Game.
Drink one for all missed field goals. Yep, it’s a new season and college kicking is still horrihilarious. Celebrate some early foot woes by getting drunk. I don’t know what the connection is there, but it sounds fun.
Drink one for all blocked punts. If the punt travels under 20 yards without being touched, make it three. And if the punt goes backwards like this one did last year—seriously, this happened—then finish your drink and try not to fall through the nearest glass table due to comedic imbalance.
Drink one for a Steve Spurrier visor OR headset throw. If he attempts to throw one and the other inadvertently comes off, make it five. You’ve just hit the OBC exacta! Collect your prize at the door. (HINT: It’s more drinks)
Drink one for every real good GameDay sign you see. It can't just be average, however. It has to be exceptional. If you find yourself wondering how the hell they snuck that in there, drink up.
Drink one every time an announcer brings up the Heisman. It’s 11 minutes into the season, but he doesn’t care. Joe AmazingPlayer just ripped off a big play and is now the favorite to win with all this early “buzz.”
Drink one every time Florida changes quarterbacks. We’re guaranteed at least three thanks to Will Muschamp’s impressive game of musical throwers, and we’ll gladly make the most of them. [fumbles beer to floor] [grabs another beer] [throws that beer for an interception]
Drink one (full beer) for an excessive celebration penalty that costs a team a touchdown. Brad Wing’s rendition of this last year will be tough to top, but ridiculous rules should be celebrated in the form of consumption. On the topic of new rules…
Drink one when the new kickoff rules are referenced. More touchbacks and starting at the 25 will be a frequent topic of conversation this weekend, and announcers will have BOLD opinions on how this will impact the game. By Saturday evening you will be tired of hearing about it, so drink up instead.
Drink one when the term “playoff” is mentioned. Remember that? That happened. And there will be announcers with plenty of second-half “down time” ready to share their thoughts on it.
Drink one when Craig James says someth-wait, scratch that. Craig James is no longer on our television sets. Let’s all take a friendly social and let this old news sink in just a little bit more. Cheers, y’all.
Drink one for all semi-awkward gambling references from announcers. This yearly staple is our tribute to the game’s finest announcer, Brent “you’ll know early on if I have the over” Musburger, but he’s not the only one who gets down. He’s just the absolute best/worst at it. Cheers to you, Brent...and your glorious narrating.
Drink one for all trick plays. These plays will undoubtedly fail miserably, but we appreciate the gadgetry early on. If Boise State runs a trick play and it works, make it five and you might as well rip up your Michigan State (-7.5) ticket after you’ve set down your glass.
Drink one when the size of the Cowboy Stadium scoreboard is mentioned or shown. Did you know it was HUGE? You didn’t? Well, it is huge and you will hear much about it thanks to Alabama and Michigan.
Drink one when you see a bubble screen, one of the game's most beautiful works of art when executed properly. It likely won't be executed properly and will instead look more like hot garbage, but at least they tried.
Drink one for all halftime scores that have a defect of more than 30 points. We’re not saying the out-of-conference scheduling is terrible, we’re just saying that…yeah, it’s terrible. The out-of-conference scheduling is terrible. Bottoms up.
Drink one when the Notre-Navy game begins. It’s early, it’s football, it’s the weekend. What are you doing without a beer in your hands? Speaking of…
Drink one when Brian Kelly’s face turns a different color. If it’s bright red, make it two. If it’s purple, make it three. If it’s a deep bruising color, make it four and turn off your television immediately because it might explode.
And, as always, finish your glass if a FAT GUY TOUCHDOWN is scored.
Qualifications: He must be over 292 pounds, he must have visible body fat and he must appear incredibly awkward carrying a football. None of this “does this freakishly fit defensive lineman qualify?” nonsense.
If the large man has less body fat than the team’s running back, then it does not apply. Don’t force it; let the magic come to you.
Enjoy the weekend, “GET YOUR PISS HOT,” and welcome back, football.