The speech below from Gisele Bundchen, the wife of New England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady, is entirely made-up by me. The facetious speech is merely an attempt at some humor during the boring, meaningless days of the preseason:
"As some of you know, I made quite a bit of news after the Super Bowl by voicing my displeasure over the performance of the wide receivers during the game. After the game, I said, 'My husband cannot bleeping throw the ball and catch the ball at the same time.'
This was in reference to Wes Welker and Deion Branch not bringing in what I thought were some pretty catchable balls from Tommy.
I took a lot of flack for what I said, because most people assumed that I didn't know anything about football. However, most people are idiots that never took the time to consider that after being married to the greatest football player ever for a few years, just maybe there's a chance I picked up a thing or two from him. Don't forget; I make more money than Tommy, and the rest of you, for that matter.
With that said, Wes, I know you're unhappy with your current contract, but maybe if you had caught that ball in the Super Bowl, you would have gotten paid.
And Deion, you got nothing but single coverage on the outside all last year as opposing defenses focused on those two stud tight ends in the middle of the field. Yet you almost could never make a big play.
Now, I have to spend all season worrying if Tommy can get along with Brandon Lloyd, hoping against hope that he's not the next Joey Galloway or Chad Johnson.
And Coach Belichick, Tommy respects you almost as much as he respects me, but one of these years, do you think you can get him a prototypical wide receiver that is at least as tall as me? Tommy's pretty tall, and he's tired of throwing down to these 5'10" receivers all the time.
Coach, you might be pretty convinced that you are Hall-of-Fame worthy. But let's not forget, you went 36-44 in Cleveland and 5-11 in your first year with the Patriots before Tommy came along to take you to five Super Bowls in the last decade. Let's not forget who is buttering whose bread here.
And why the hell was Tommy left in during a meaningless preseason game behind a patchwork offensive line last week? What, do you want another season with Sam Cassel [Matt Cassel] back there? Or do you think Jed Hoyer [Brian Hoyer] can get you to the Super Bowl?
Next year, maybe Tommy will pull a Brian Waters and not show up until after the final preseason game, if at all.
And coach, don't even get me started with the defense. Aren't you supposed to be a defensive genius from your days with the New York Giants? Do you think you can come up with something to get off the field on third down this year? Do you think maybe you can avoid setting any records for yards allowed this season?
Alright, well, this is the final preseason game, and it means nothing. But don't forget, Tommy won't be able to play forever to mask all of your weaknesses. The clock is ticking. It's Super Bowl or bust in 2012."