Relax, I'm not talking to you fantasy players. And no, I am not referring to any compulsory military service. Instead, this message is intending for the new guy sitting behind the big desk in Washington, D.C.
Yes, I'm talking to you, President Obama. Let's face facts, you've got more troubles than you know what to do with. War, housing, stock market, unemployment, stimulation. The list goes on and on.
Yet the answer to many of your problems is sitting in Newport Beach, Calif., just waiting for you to pick up the phone and give him a call. Lucifer Boras is a "fixer," just like Harvey Keitel's character, Winston Wolfe, in Pulp Fiction.
While Newport Beach is not far from Hollywood, believe me when I say Boras is the real deal when it comes to getting things done, even if everybody else thinks there isn't a snowball's chance in hell that it's going to get done.
Case in point, the current situation with Manny Ramirez and the Los Angeles Dodgers. The market for ballplayers has bottomed out, I'm sure you are able to understand that feeling Barack...I can call you Barack, right? Gee, thanks, you're a pal.
Anyway, Boras and Ramirez want to get a five-year deal for a 37-year-old slugger with, shall we say, some image problems. Surely you remember that kind of situation, by the way, how is Rev. Wright these days?
Talk about fortuitous timing though, Boras is going to have Manny hang out for a while to artificially generate some buzz and wait for a team to suffer an injury and get desperate for the kind of quick fix bringing Manny in will provide.
Until then, you should draft him for his special type of negotiation with the banks to get them lending out money and restarting the real estate market.
Go ahead, sic him on Citi, agitate B of A, whip Wells Fargo, it's all good. Then turn him loose on the auto industry. Boras will make Ford, GM, and Chevy wish they were bought out by Toyota and Nissan when he's done with them.
Up next, make him the U.S. ambassador to the United Nations. Step back and watch the fur fly, the secretary general will be begging for you to send the relatively kind and sweet John Bolton back to them.
Believe me, the Major League Baseball owners and general managers will be more than happy to share this particular "asset" with your administration.
But, whatever you do, don't let Boras replace Vice President Joe Biden, because that would mean your job is next on his wish list.