What a magical week we had in WWE.
We had a goat face, an invisible boy and a sock puppet come to life again all in one show.
Also, WWE legend Hunter Hearst Helmsley called it a career. Or didn't. Maybe, maybe not. He'll tell us later, I guess, if he feels like it.
Something like that.
We also had CM Punk take on a 62-year-old announcer in the main event of Raw inside of a steel cage. It reminds me of the time that Tony Schiavone took on Scott Steiner in a first-blood match.
Actually, that last part never happened, just like a few things from this week's shows shouldn't have either.
Now it's time to celebrate the top five worst WWE moments of the week from August 26th to September 1st!
Let's cut to the chase: Was HHH's pseudo retirement speech too long?
To answer that question, let me first tell you a five-hour-long story from my childhood.
On Monday night, once Hunter's music hit, it only took three-and-a-half minutes for him to start to talk. The announcers even stood for him in awe. Not because he will someday be their boss in real life, but because of the overwhelming emotion of his second broken arm.
Hunter finally was able to summon up the right words, after soaking up the cheers for a few minutes and said:
"Let's cut to the chase here, everybody wants to know here am I going to retire?"
He followed up with: "There's one thing I've learned in the WWE, it's to never say never. Let's go back to the beginning..."
Hunter, when you want to cut to the chase, you don't go back to the beginning, talk for 10 minutes and still not give us an answer!
I don't want to go too in depth on his speech, as I did earlier this week, but it was overall a self-indulgent angle that had way too much hype for no pay off.
Also, his line about not wanting to be a guy who hangs around too long coming back for one more match just seemed kind of mean.
Just a few weeks ago, we saw Sid Vicious, Vader, Bob Backlund and others coming back for one more match. Whether he did it directly or indirectly, he was putting down former talent in a company he has a large stake in.
First things first: Kane's speech was phenomenal. It was literally the funniest thing I'd seen in WWE in years.
His line about torturing Pete Rose "for reasons never explained" was sheer genius.
However, the first sketch got things off to a bad start.
There's contrived comedy, and then there was this.
During the middle of Daniel Bryan's anger management session, a boy walked in wearing a goat mask, as young children do all the time. Now, I can buy Kane driving his vehicle over to the anger management session with two masks on. But where did this kid come from?
Was he just hanging out in the hallway for hours wearing a goat mask?
I know I shouldn't ask questions like that. Sometimes I just can't help myself.
By the end of the night, the comedy skits worked pretty well.
Unfortunately, WWE couldn't leave well enough alone. On SmackDown, they decided to replay the sessions in their entirety!
Somehow seeing the exact same sketch twice just wasn't as amusing. Who would have thought?
On Raw, the babyfaces went 8-1 in their matches.
SmackDown was slightly better; the faces won their matchups 4-2.
Cody Rhodes had a particularly lousy week. He Jobbed in a tag match in under three minutes, he lost to Mysterio and then was embarrassed by Sin Cara when he had a mask slapped over his mug.
SmackDown heels in general looked awful. Orton put away Ziggler with relative ease, and Damian Sandow literally ran away from Sheamus in his match.
It would be nice if WWE could get behind just a couple heels who could win the majority of their matches without cheating.
When Mark Henry did that, he got over. It really wasn't that long ago either. If only someone in WWE could remember that there is a different way to push a heel.
Undertaker vs. Shawn Michaels
Steve Austin vs. The Rock
Hulk Hogan vs. The Ultimate Warrior
Would any of these matches have ever been thrown out in the middle of a show on TV without any hype?
These are all former WrestleMania main events, and on Raw we saw a rematch from a show that did over one million buys less than a year and a half ago.
Only 28 matches in wrestling history have had the privilege of being the main-event of WrestleMania.
The match between the former headliners Miz and John Cena on Raw felt like anything but a big deal.
Yes, Miz lost to Cena multiple times after his fall from the main event. This doesn't make it any better.
After months off, Miz returned to the company. He has a movie coming out and he just defeated Rey Mysterio, one of their top babyfaces cleanly.
That credibility is now thrown out the window. What did WWE gain from it?
They may have thought that his match gave Cena another win headed into his title match, but it actually did damage to him, The Miz and the Intercontinental title (again).
If Cena is the top star in the company, then this match should have been a big deal. In a three-hour show, they should promote their top guy. Give him and Miz interviews; show a video package of their feud. They could even do something crazy and even advertise it a week ahead of time!
WWE can't afford to just throw Cena out there without hype. There simply aren't enough opponents for him to face anymore.
Santino and his sock are quickly becoming the Jar Jar Binks of wrestling.
They're supposed to be funny, but everything about them is just annoying.
I gave Santino's shenanigans the worst moment of last week, but it still sucks, so it wins again!
During a match against Heath Slater on Raw, Santino pulled the sock out of his tights and was ready to strike. Aksana then came out, which distracted the sock on Santino's hand. Still, he was able to regain his composure long enough to use the sock hand on Slater.
I'm just not quite sure who this is supposed to appeal to. If people want "comedy" (I use that term very loosely for this), then why don't they go watch a comedy show?
Are children really going to watch a three-hour wrestling program every week just for the goofy stuff?
If nothing else, Santino should have at least lost the match. Slater is doing a pretty good job being an obnoxious heel, and another win would have given him something else to brag about.
This angle needs to end. The sooner the better.
Well, that's all for this week. Agree? Disagree? Did I miss any terrible moments? Sound off below!