WHY DO PUNTERS SUCK? 'CAUSE FIELD GOAL KICKERS BLOW
Coming down from the euphoria (induced by fatty-laced food, case of beer) of a great Super Bowl, the Boob wondered allowed to himself in a carnival mirror: Why are so many chicken heads (the Boob’s new name for talking heads on television since they all do nothing but SQUAWK!) claiming this Super Bowl to be the best ever?!?! Hell, it was good, even great, but it didn’t reach that level until the 4th Quarter when the Cardinals decided to throw the ball Larry-Freaking-Fitzgerald’s way and Pittsburgh decided to do what they could to choke away the lead.
‘Media Alley at SUPER BOWL XLIII
Until then, it was actually one of the worst Super Bowls. Penalties, turnovers, no gutsy calls. (Tomlin had the Steelers kick a field goal from the two-inch line!) This game was not better than SB XXXVI or SB XXV. Those games were back and forth, fought tooth and nail, and actually came down to the last play of the game. This Super Bowl thudded to an end on Kurt Warner’s incomplete pass, er, fumble. But then it smacked the Boob smack in his twenty-inch cranium. Those Big Games ended with a field goal, one miss and one make respectively. This year’s SB ended with an actual football play that will be as historic as Montana to Clark, Manning to Tyree. HOW MUCH BETTER IS THAT?!?! Who cares about wide right or Venetari’s magical leg? Anyway, every time they show the Venetari clip they quickly cut to Tom Brady, because they know who the real football player is.
So what the Boob is saying, let’s rid ourselves of field goal kickers in their entirety. Who wants to see Jeff Reed attempt to do his best Chase Daniel douche impersonation? Who needs to see Vanderjerk be the “greatest ever” only to become the biggest tank ever? (But thank you, Peyton Manning for this.)
However, the Boob has resigned himself to the fact that field goal kickers will always be part of the game, but the least, the league could do is kill “gimme” points. Make every kick difficult whether it’s a 60 yarder or an extra point. Here’s the Boob’s brainstorm: Spread out the hash marks further to the sidelines the closer a team is to the field goal. Then as they move further back have the hash marks move closer and closer to midfield, so if you’re standing there, you’d be looking standing at the base of two V’s or the middle of a giant X. Now that would make field goal kickers respectable.
‘I could stand at the base of this V all day.’
‘X marks the spot.’
For a moment, let’s consider how the Super Bowl would have changed if field goals were not allowed. Take away the field goals and Pittsburgh loses by two. Take away field goals and Tomlin would have been forced to go for on 4th down from the two inch line. Take away field goals and we wouldn’t have been subjected to lame stories about Jeff Reed’s stupid ass bleach blond hair.
But don’t get lopsided about what the Boob is saying. Pittsburgh deserved to win because they made the plays in the end. Roethlisberger to Holmes, just like Montana to Clark. They didn’t march down the field conservatively to work their way into field goal range, just to send it into Overtime so then one of the teams could kick another field goal for the win. Now that would have sucked. But instead what we are left with is the greatest Super Bowl ever.
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