Allen Iverson said it best, “I know they’re important, I honestly do but we’re talking about punters. We’re talking about punters, man. Not the athletes that go out there and die for and play every game like it’s my last, but we’re talking about punters, man.”
It’s been covered that punters (kickers) are not athletes, no need to ring a bell that’s already been rung. But right this instant, can you name 5 active punters in the NFL and/or college football? Or even name 5 punters ever in the history of the game? The Boob knows Roby Roy (or Roy Roby or just Roby something) and Justin (or was it Jeff) Feagles.
Have you ever cheered a punt? Your initial reaction is “Hell, no!” But you have. Everyone has, especially when a punt bounces inside the ten-yard line, a group of players encircle the ball, down it, then celebrate as If they just won the game. When they do this, they suck. When cheer them for doing it, you suck as well.
WHAT ARE YOU CELEBRATING!?!?! YOU’RE CELEBRATING FAILURE! You’re celebrating that your offense couldn’t reach the end zone, hell, that they couldn’t even make it into field goal range. [Field goals themselves are in a way coddling teams to make them feel better about themselves, but they will be explored in next week’s column.]
The only positive thing that can come from a punt is not allowing the return man to gain any yards. Yes, a fake can be run, but then it’s not a punt, is it? And yes, the return man could fumble, but at that point, the offense has already shown an ineptitude for moving the ball down the field so they shouldn’t be rewarded for their own inadequacies.
When the Boob sees punters, he sees the ultimate symbol of quitting, a giant white flag being waved, and you know what surrendering is? It’s un-American. Patton stood in front of an American flag, not a white one. If a team really needs to punt, then they must be required to have the quarterback do it. How awesome was it this weekend to see Big Ben give the ball the boot? Otherwise, run a goddamn play and get the first down or don’t and lose field position. Man’s game, bitch!
If you fail, you fail. At this point in American history, haven’t we had enough bailouts to last a lifetime?
Until next week when FIELD GOAL KICKERS SUCK, the Boob says, “Don’t Be a Sports Douche!”