The Alaskan (Sports) Pipeline
It was hard not to cringe as pull-out poster boy Levi Johnson was thrust, like a moose in headlights, onto the GOP convention stage with his soon-to-be baby mama.
But with Levi and his new family, Alaska became a new major player in the national political arena. As the country debates the longevity and importance of Alaska’s political presence, we at DBB wonder if the State’s favorite local sports might also find new popularity on a national scale.
Sorry Folks, Parks Closed…Moose Out Front Shoulda Told-ya
Dawn breaks over a pristine lake. An Alaskan moose, majestic and stoic, dips its head to drink. KABLAM!!! Cue high fives and tobacco spit.
Ahh, the splendors of moose hunting.
Alaskans defend the sport as an important means of subsistence. For many rural families, in fact, moose meat is the only carne on the menu.
Sadly, the closest many of these Alaskans will ever get to “the other white meat” is pork barrel politics. Imagine the Neo-taking-the-red-pill moment for the lucky soul who after 25 years makes it out of the Alaskan wilderness and through the doors of a KFC. There’s really just no going back.
As for the sport gaining national attention, it doesn’t help that most East Coasters think “field dressing” is what you wear to Hamptons polo.
Rage Against The Machine
Alaskan “First Dude” Todd Palin is the four-time champion of the State’s longest snowmachine race. Wait…snowmachine? Really?
What happened to calling it a snowmobile like everyone else in the Lower 48? It reminds me of Cirroc, Unfrozen Caveman Lawyer…”Your snow machines, they scare me!”
But while the name may grate the ears of many Americans in the same way it would if Batman had said, “Robin, to the Batmachine!”, I think the sport has some real cross-over potential.
Who wouldn’t want to watch someone straddling what basically amounts to a rocket fuselage and hurtling 100+ mph through snow-covered, dark woods after six pitchers of Milwaukee’s Best?
Q. How Can You Shoot Women or Children? A. Easy, Ya Just Don’t Lead ‘Em So Much
Aerial wolf gunning.
Sure, on the surface it’s a perfectly legitimate sport enjoyed by Alaskan sportsmen wishing to engage in a true test of man versus beast on a level playing field while helping to cull wolf populations, thereby protecting moose herds which terrestrial hunters will, in turn, happily gun down with scope-enhanced, semi-automatic assault rifles.
But what they don’t want civilians to know is that those aerial hunting expeditions are the perfect cover for Governor Palin’s top-secret, special ops missions to patrol Alaska’s nakedly exposed airspace, faithfully protecting it from the rearing (and assumingly disembodied?) head of Comrade Putin himself. Xbox 360 game coming soon.
Drill, Baby, Drill That Hole
The primary barrier to ice fishing adoption in the Lower 48 is the challenge it poses to men of selling the ice fishing concept as a “sports activity” to their wives.
Perhaps the sales pitch should be the real sport. “Sorry, honey, can’t help with the kids today. I’m going to huddle inside a small beer refrigerator with my sportsman buddies and do nothing but abuse alcohol and trade sources of online celebrity nudity like stock tips.”
There’s only one better example of clueless dudes staring endlessly at a gaping hole without ever taking any action. That would be the New York Port Authority.
Iditarod? I Don’t Even Know Her!
In Alaska, man and beast need not always be at odds. In the famous Iditarod Trail Sled Dog Race, man and canine team up to battle the elements in arguably one of the world’s most extreme sports.
Over a brutal course of 15 days and 1,600 miles, mushers race through blizzards, white-out conditions, and wind chills reaching -100 °F with only a tiny sled and a team of hungry dogs to get them home to the hearth.
As fun as that sounds, I just don’t see this going mainstream. Personally, I tend to shy away from activities where there’s more than a one percent chance I’ll need to gut a polar bear like a TaunTaun and crawl inside its stinking carcass to seek shelter from sub-zero weather and gale-force winds. But that’s just me.
Maybe we should just stick with hockey? Game on!
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