Jaromir Jagr and Bigfoot Headed to Pittsburgh

Jon LambertContributor IFebruary 26, 2009


I've come to appreciate that there are two universes - the real one that for the most part has believable events occur.........200-pound chimp aside.

Then there are some doozies out there,

"Loch Ness monster attacks boat......"

"Batboy seen in New York..."

"I was impregnated by bigfoot while Elvis watched..."

"Baseball's reputation not tainted by steroids...."

Which leads me to the bleacher report, where you see some fantastic stories rooting in wishful thinking to just flat out dementia. I saw an article (who had "sources") that had the Rangers acquiring most of the young stars the NHL has to offer in return for their underachievers and overpaid.

Wow! Get that GM to the Pens now, no matter the cost.

I'd laugh, say, "stupid Ranger fans" and take pride in the fact that I'm a Pens fan.  Until the articles recently started popping up were about my team. Not opinion articles (everyone's entitled to one, but be prepared for reaction to them ...)...no, no, no....articles that would have you believe the Le Magnifique is sitting next to the writer telling him this first hand.


One of my favorites....

"Jagr say's he'll come to Pittsburgh at the NHL minimum because he owes Mario..." That would be a fantastic ending for one of Pittsburgh's adopted sons who turned his back on the team. While the quote says Jaromir Jagr owes Mario Lemieux, he owes someone a little more.

Let's go back in history. Jagr, a bright star in the league wanting to play for Kladno in his home country before he retires,  becomes engulfed in flames as news breaks of a severe gambling problem, a mounting debt, and the need of the big contract. His contract expires, the Rangers, nay, the entire league offers not a single thing?

Why, his numbers were decent, are they afraid of something?

In steps the Russian-owned and run KHL, whose ties to Russian tycoons and mobsters is the worst kept secret (ask Malkin and his Cloak & Dagger escape), and offers $7 million a year tax free!

What a signing for the league. He'll help sell tickets, bring a huge name to the league perhaps....all debts forgiven?

How do you propose Jagr gets out of this "contract" with the KHL to return? Does he take Malkins multi-national jaunt to reach the shores of the U.S. before being discovered, caught, and returned?

In short, Jagr's not coming. Neither is Sean Avery, Ilya Kovalchuk or Jay Bouwmeester.

I'll give you 400,000 reasons why. That's the room under the cap the Penguins have until the contracts of dead weight players like Hal Gill and Miroslav Satan expire, that's $5 million freed up for next season.

Which of those guys do you think will realistically sign for $5 million a season? If you answered Avery, you're correct. The thing is, Avery will never pull a Penguins Jersey over his head unless that's what he wears to bed.

He's a scumbag with limited talent. Remember the cliche "you hate him if he plays against you, love him if he plays with you"? Well, EVERBODY hates him, just ask his last teammates on the Dallas Stars.

Don't believe me?

How about the lack of people coming to his defense...including his mother!

No, Jordan Staal is not going anywhere, neither are Sidney Crosby and Evgeni Malkin.

Marc-Andre Fleury, slap your self in the face, he's staying.

Ryan Whitney, maybe, but for the right price. * (Has since been traded for Chris Kunitz and a highly touted prospect in Eric Tangradi)

As for Sean Avery, Jay Bouwmeester and Illya Kovalchuk, when they get to Pittsburgh......let me know so I can tell Bigfoot and Nessie that they have to clean out their lockers and head to Wilkes-Barre.