Stephon Marbury Will Be a Celtic: Earth's Axis Shifts

Thomas HalzackAnalyst IFebruary 25, 2009

Seismic readings are coming in from all over.

If Richter's scale was around when the Cretaceous Period flipped over (That's how it works, right?) it would have sounded like this.

Massive hits from tremors are being recorded from as far away as Timbuktu. A slight crack has appeared in George Washington's head in Mount Rushmore, and at the same time the Washington Monument has produced a noticeable lean. Engineers are checking the George Washington bridge for cracks.

Psychics everywhere are prophesying the significance.

Klaatu has landed. Please contact your local emergency channel for further information.

Sightings of Big Foot have gone through the roof, while UFO watch gatherings are springing up everywhere. Babies in Boston and New York are crying apparent reason. Hospitals are being put on alert.

It has just been reported that Putin and Obama sent urgent Code One red phone messages that they will both stand down until this can be sorted out.

Nuclear submarine captains from Russia and the U.S. are breaking open sealed top secret classified orders, checking for validation by exchanged passwords and then reading the encrypted message: Stephon Marbury Will Be a Celtic. Take No Hostile Actions. Stay Calm.

The Russian captain is skeptical. An American trick?

What......... is going on? 

Call it: Escape from New York.

For writers, it doesn't get any better than this.

Welcome to an orgasmic outpouring of expatiations on the rapacious, narcissistic insolence and ever-changing saga of the chief narcissist in a narcissist's league.

The event horizon is engorging tomes on the volatile chemistry issues and potential consequences of adding a flammable (Why do "flammable" and "inflammable" mean the same thing?) chemical to an existing stable, but fragile compound solution.

I couldn't have imagined a much more potentially conflict-ridden plot. Really. This is brilliance. Thank you, Danny Ainge. I'm glad that you believe that Doc Rivers walks on water. But.... my goodness.

Paul, Kevin, and Ray.....what are you hiding behind your backs?                             Are those...... sticks?..... imprinted with the word Ubuntu?

The ink wasn't even dry on the anti-Marbury signing of journeyman, nice guy Mikki Moore when the news broke.

The Knicks finally waived Marbury after Stephon gave up about $2 million of $6 million left on his current contract in arbitration hearings on his other financial assessments. It's over. And it has just begun. (Cue the Carpenters.)

From Steve Bulpett in the Boston Herald:

"Like Moore, Marbury would receive from the C’s a prorated portion of the veteran minimum of around $1.3 million. The league picks up almost one-third of the tab for such contracts."

I thought the Celtics were going in over their head for a moment.

No bail out needed here. No cheaper deal for any better talent could be imagined. Love the CBA.

Marbury brings a needed set of skills and an unneeded attitude to one of the tightest, most disciplined teams in the NBA. Ubuntu and Marbury? Wow. The drama unfolds.

A championship team trying to repeat with a player whose most successful days were back when he was with that team's glue guy, Kevin Garnett, when they both were very young players with the Timberwolves. Life's a circle.

Or is it a Starbury side-of-head tattoo?

I'll spare you the details of Marbury's well-documented career. More ink has been spilled in New York over the last five years on this cat than water over Niagara Falls. Scientists have determined that he is personally responsible for 5.4 percent of global warming due to deforestation for paper to write articles on him.

Stephon Marbury says he is born again. Indeed he is. Life starts anew for him. The Celtics' main players, starting with Garnett, all spoke publicly that they would accept him in their "band of brothers" if he came to the team.

Another irony: Back in preseason this year (it seems so long ago now), a playing Stephon Marbury and a seated Eddie House were keeping up an intense and ongoing verbal duel for a long period of the game when the Knicks played the Celtics.

Here is how Howard Beck of the New York Times recorded part of it:

"When play returned to the Celtics’ side of the court, House chirped, 'Don’t worry about me. You better worry about Ray Allen,' whom Marbury was guarding. Marbury shot back, 'You’re nothing!” then added, “You’re caught up in basketball. Get caught up in life.'"

Eighty percent of Celtics fans are welcoming Marbury's arrival by many Celtic Nation polls. He will get a fresh start and will be welcome in the Celtics locker room as well, to help them win a second consecutive championship.

He can be a perfect fit for some of what the Celtics need. In shorter minutes, especially with the bench players, he will be a plus. He can handle pressure defenses, hit foul shots in the fourth quarter, and has made big plays down the stretch before.

Not too long after the exchange above, Marbury was banished from the Knicks and...caught up in life. It is now time that he follows Eddie House's lead and gets...caught up in basketball.

The Stephon Marbury story continues. He is a Celtic now.

Tom writes the CelticsCentral blog for the Connecticut Post and for CelticsStuffLive on Comcast SportsNet.


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