We're well past that utopian stage (if there ever was one) where wrestling shows are irrefutably reliant on wrestling alone. The purist, elitist mark chained dormant within us may vouch for three hours of wrestling only, but the modernistic aspect of our personality enjoys promos and spoofs because we, after all, are all human and spend our lives searching for ever-elusive entertainment.
Which is what non-wrestlers in WWE have to provide at all costs lest they be banished the Eric Escobar route. They need to be entertaining to compensate for their inability to throw punches or get kicked (or in Sin Cara's case, botch). It's a taxing and demanding job, and thus deserves extra adulations if done right.
Here's a look at four non-wrestlers who're doing some great work. Believe it or not, such creatures exist in WWE today.
Side note: Don't expect Santino Marella, he's a wrestler. You could have expected Brodus Clay, but he's not doing anything commendable.
Note: This slide was typed before last night's SmackDown. I'm weeping silently as I add this note.
The Money Makin' Mentor has done a great job, barring one dubious blunder. Gifted with great mic skills, unique sense of humour and an unfailing microphone, A.W. has managed to bring tons of additional heat onto Prime Time Players, ensuring we have a well-defined tag team in a vapid division.
His antics have ensured the crowd doesn't remain silent throughout the match...which I believe is the point of his whole gimmick.
I'm not saying his one Kobe Bryant joke was appropriate, but excluding that one controversial sentence, A.W.'s performance has been fantastic. His delivery makes simple enraged statements like DON'T TOUCH MY BOYS REF or BREAK HIS BACK TITUS amusing at times. Also, the sadistic part of me would like to see more shoe-throwing and YO MAMA's. Sorry, I'm young at heart.
He is the Vickie Guerrero to PTP's Dolph Ziggler...only he screams less, and Vince McMahon will be president before Titus O' Neil or Darren Young come close to Ziggler.
In that vein...
Excuse the extremely creative caption; it was hard to resist. Vickie Guerrero has created an iconic, Hall of Fame (yes, seriously) character on her own, and she deserves to stay true to her annoying gimmick and no one else's.
She has done it all, right from being general manager to cheating on her fiance to being a manager to dancing with Brodus Clay (and being better than him at that). Her latest stint as a heat magnet for Dolph Ziggler has done wonders for his career, or rather neutralized all the crap WWE Creative throws his way.
'Excuse Me!' might be chanted in arenas around the world once she's gone and makes special appearances at RAW 2000 and such, much like 'DAMN!'. I'm typing with a serious face, with serious in bold.
It's time Vickie moves on to another rookie and helps him come up, and regularly showcase her thumb-dance or do anything she's asked to do with the enthusiasm customary to her.
Despite all this goodness, her 'Excuse Me!'s make me wistfully resent her arrival, which means she is doing her job to perfection.
Ever since Royal Rumble 2012, I've been convinced and none of Alberto Del Rio's 'DESTINY!!' yells have swerved my opinion that Ricardo Rodriguez should have been the one honking for five minutes every time he makes an entrance.
Rodriguez brought depth to a Sakamoto character, and he made it entertaining. Due to WWE Creative's horrible booking, he is also the recipient of most Brogue Kicks, Attitude Adjustments, Go To Sleeps and basically everything Alberto should receive but doesn't. Even Cobras.
Of course, once the rose-tinted glasses are removed, it might be fit to admit he can't make a full-time wrestler. He can, however, make another Santino Marella and I'm okay with that as long as he stays away from the US Title, or any title in fact.
I wouldn't like a Ricarda Rodriguez winning the Divas Battle Royal, either.
Even though his future as a wrestler isn't a possibility, his role as ADR's Personal Brogue Kick Taker is wonderful, and his facial expressions demand face punching. Again, doing his job.
Or rather, the mouth of BRRRROCKK LESSNARR.
Wish No. 67 of my 100 Wrestling Wishes will always be to have my name announced by Paul Heyman, with the same intensity and maybe even more aggression because I deserve more than Bork Lazer. Don't burst my bubble, thank you.
Paul Heyman was the spark that ignited the inspiration to write this article; all his promos so far have been mindblowing. He completes two noble purposes in WWE today:
a) provides the best promos on the show, which I believe might start rubbing on others, too;
b) makes sure Brock Lesnar doesn't speak, because jeez.
A duo in which Lesnar does the fighting and Heyman does the talking is one of the best tag teams you'll see (second only to Cryme Tyme) and one I'd like Heyman to continue with other wrestlers.
His vast quota of experience shines through like a holy aura, and his words ensure Lesnar's celebrity appearances don't deter any momentum the feud gains.
Also, I seriously feel Justin Roberts should let Heyman do the announcing at SummerSlam. The more BRRRROCKK LESSNARR, the better.
Certain prominent figures were left out of this article, with both GMs at the head of the list. AJ's Crazy Chick gimmick was done well, but her Crazy Chick + GM gimmick seems plastic and forced to me. Of course, this is my personal opinion.
Booker T has just been appointed, and his biggest achievement in commentary was inventing SHUCKY DUCKY QUACK QUACK.
Michael Cole, Jerry Lawler (especially Lawler) and Josh Mathews were all left out for obvious reasons. I'd have included Justin Roberts, but I'm not sure people consider him important enough.
Thanks for the read, all.
Shalaj Lawania is now virtually old enough on the Internet for you to recognize him, but still miraculously n00by enough for you to keep being mean to him (at least there's some progress, however minimal). He is also a contributor for WrestleEnigma.com, so do check it out if you love him and his works and are very sweet. For more love, you can follow him on Twitter if you have a good annoying tweets threshold. For the rest, use Wikipedia.