A Cynical, Biased, and Honest Guide to Choosing an MLB Team

In September, we put up a guide to help those without an NHL team cheer for a team that they could hold for all eternity—or at least until that team relocated.

The post was nice, as it had a calculated points system and everything you could ever want out of a guide—showing you attributes that fans look for in teams.

Well, as I've discussed before, "Bandwagoners" have no souls and therefore can't be fans—just like your dog can't be a Cardinals' fan. 

Consequently, picking a team based on its popularity or success is just out of the question. Seriously, I feel for Boston and New York fans, as it has to be annoying to see so many of these "Bandwagoners" supporting your team.

As usual with my posts, I digress. The post was great, but it took too much time to put together. I would much rather just give a cynical, biased, and honest look at the MLB, Sixty Feet, Six Inches style.

As I wrote last time, and forever shall believe, you should always pick your hometown team as your favorite. If there is one thing that disgusts me more than anything else, it is when someone abandons their hometown team in favor of another team, or worse yet, a team overflowing with bandwagon fans.

So if your city has an MLB team, go no further, you've already found your team. If your city has two teams, well, you're in luck! This means you get to pick the team that isn't full of jerks.

If you have no hometown team, like us in Indy, then you get to pick any team you want! It's like Christmas, but with the possibility of unending heartbreak!

Now, if you have a special connection to a city for some reason, then maybe that team is for you, and I'd say the rule established above still applies. Hence, I am a Rays' fan and have been since I was 13.

Also, if you don't have a hometown team, we're adding an additional rule. You are allowed to have a NL and an AL team, but you have to indicate your favorite.

For those of you unfamiliar with Major League Baseball, it features two leagues.

The National League maintains the longstanding tradition of making pitchers bat and strategizing around that predicament. The American League has the Designated Hitter Rule, which means someone bats in place of the pitcher.

It's kind of like paying the smart kids to do your homework because algebra makes your head hurt.

So, if you like strategy, the NL might be a league worth picking a team from. If home runs and hitting makes you do this, then the AL might be more for you.

Let's start with the American League East...

Baltimore Orioles

The O's are a team that have fallen on a bit of hard luck, but they do have a great stadium in Oriole Park at Camden Yards. It was the first to do the modern-retro look that everyone mimics.

Boston Red Sox

Look, everyone, who is beginning to follow the MLB chooses either this team or the Yankees. Unless you live in New England, don't be like them. It's annoying, and thank God that the rest of us baseball fans have a method for figuring out who is legit and who is just a (insert random expletive here).

New York Yankees

Same as the Red Sox. Don't pick this team. You'll look like a jerk, and no one will want to be your friend.

Tampa Bay Rays

Look, before last season, there were maybe 8,000-12,000 of us. Do everyone a favor, if you're not from the Tampa Bay region, don't join the fan base now—it's too late.

Toronto Blue Jays

No fans. Seriously, people forget this team exists. They could use your support, not to mention the Jays used to have one of the best logos in baseball.

Moving on to the AL Central...

Chicago White Sox

A solid choice, and also, you can never look bad in black. The fans are fantastic. I love Sox fans, as they're true Midwestern fans. Also, the Cell has improved leaps and bounds in recent years. They will more than likely be rebuilding for a few seasons, so you might as well join up now and get some suffering credibility.

Cleveland Indians

Seriously, how is that thing still allowed? It's a horrible caricature of the indigenous people of North America! I have no problem with Native American logos as long as they're respectful, but Chief Wahoo is anything but respectful.

Otherwise, the Indians are a pretty legit organization. So if you love suffering, you'll love Cleveland! Their suffering makes the Cubs look like a bunch of whiners and crybabies.

Detroit Tigers

Alright, so the first time through this I thought I had put what I wanted about the Tigers, but apparently I missed this. A Tigers fan pointed this out to me and I guess it's just a Freudian slip. So here you go:

Don't be a Tigers fan. Just don't. Detroit is a horrible place, in fact, it's the worst city in the country. Friends don't let friends support Detroit teams.

Kansas City Royals

Well, I wish I could say something about Kansas City. I went there once and got a headache. Does that count? Their stadium has gigantic fountains. That's cool, right?

Minnesota Twins

How can you hate the Twins? Really. I love the Twins. This is their last year in the Metrodome, and it's something to get hyped about. Can you say "snowout?" I can.

I mean, that team is all about putting on a show for their city. Also, for the record, the Twin Cities are pretty rocking.

Onward! To the AL West!

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Thanks to an unfortunate twist on an odd stipulation in the contract between the city of Anaheim and the Angels, you have the worst name in professional sports. Scratch that, found one that's worse.

Oakland Athletics

Hey, they have an elephant for a mascot, that's pretty sweet. How many teams do you know with an elephant for a mascot? And no, 'Bama and the Republican Party do not count.

Also, I personally think the A's have one of the most interesting color schemes in the league (green and yellow) and their black uniforms are pretty nice looking too. Too bad no one comes out to see them.

Seattle Mariners

Ahh, Seattle—talk about one sports city that is hurting. The Sonics leave, the Seahawks are terrible, and the Mariners may be the only big bright spot in the city for a while, as they have brought back Ken Griffey Jr.

Also, if you like video games, the Mariners are owned by Nintendo and half their ads are in Japanese due to massive Ichiro love from across the Pacific. Nintendo and Asian culture? Nerd special!

Texas Rangers

If you love 'merica, you'll love the Rangers. This is the team that W. almost crashed into the ground before he became Commander and Chief version 43.0. It's hot in Arlington, and the Rangers usually reek of suck. I mean, they couldn't even win with a juicing A-Rod.

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