A Cynical, Biased, and Honest Guide to Choosing an MLB Team

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A Cynical, Biased, and Honest Guide to Choosing an MLB Team

In September, we put up a guide to help those without an NHL team cheer for a team that they could hold for all eternity—or at least until that team relocated.

The post was nice, as it had a calculated points system and everything you could ever want out of a guide—showing you attributes that fans look for in teams.

Well, as I've discussed before, "Bandwagoners" have no souls and therefore can't be fans—just like your dog can't be a Cardinals' fan. 

Consequently, picking a team based on its popularity or success is just out of the question. Seriously, I feel for Boston and New York fans, as it has to be annoying to see so many of these "Bandwagoners" supporting your team.

As usual with my posts, I digress. The post was great, but it took too much time to put together. I would much rather just give a cynical, biased, and honest look at the MLB, Sixty Feet, Six Inches style.

As I wrote last time, and forever shall believe, you should always pick your hometown team as your favorite. If there is one thing that disgusts me more than anything else, it is when someone abandons their hometown team in favor of another team, or worse yet, a team overflowing with bandwagon fans.

So if your city has an MLB team, go no further, you've already found your team. If your city has two teams, well, you're in luck! This means you get to pick the team that isn't full of jerks.

If you have no hometown team, like us in Indy, then you get to pick any team you want! It's like Christmas, but with the possibility of unending heartbreak!

Now, if you have a special connection to a city for some reason, then maybe that team is for you, and I'd say the rule established above still applies. Hence, I am a Rays' fan and have been since I was 13.

Also, if you don't have a hometown team, we're adding an additional rule. You are allowed to have a NL and an AL team, but you have to indicate your favorite.

For those of you unfamiliar with Major League Baseball, it features two leagues.

The National League maintains the longstanding tradition of making pitchers bat and strategizing around that predicament. The American League has the Designated Hitter Rule, which means someone bats in place of the pitcher.

It's kind of like paying the smart kids to do your homework because algebra makes your head hurt.

So, if you like strategy, the NL might be a league worth picking a team from. If home runs and hitting makes you do this, then the AL might be more for you.

 

Let's start with the American League East...

Baltimore Orioles

The O's are a team that have fallen on a bit of hard luck, but they do have a great stadium in Oriole Park at Camden Yards. It was the first to do the modern-retro look that everyone mimics.

Boston Red Sox

Look, everyone, who is beginning to follow the MLB chooses either this team or the Yankees. Unless you live in New England, don't be like them. It's annoying, and thank God that the rest of us baseball fans have a method for figuring out who is legit and who is just a (insert random expletive here).

New York Yankees

Same as the Red Sox. Don't pick this team. You'll look like a jerk, and no one will want to be your friend.

Tampa Bay Rays

Look, before last season, there were maybe 8,000-12,000 of us. Do everyone a favor, if you're not from the Tampa Bay region, don't join the fan base now—it's too late.

Toronto Blue Jays

No fans. Seriously, people forget this team exists. They could use your support, not to mention the Jays used to have one of the best logos in baseball.

 

Moving on to the AL Central...

Chicago White Sox

A solid choice, and also, you can never look bad in black. The fans are fantastic. I love Sox fans, as they're true Midwestern fans. Also, the Cell has improved leaps and bounds in recent years. They will more than likely be rebuilding for a few seasons, so you might as well join up now and get some suffering credibility.

Cleveland Indians

Seriously, how is that thing still allowed? It's a horrible caricature of the indigenous people of North America! I have no problem with Native American logos as long as they're respectful, but Chief Wahoo is anything but respectful.

Otherwise, the Indians are a pretty legit organization. So if you love suffering, you'll love Cleveland! Their suffering makes the Cubs look like a bunch of whiners and crybabies.

Detroit Tigers

Alright, so the first time through this I thought I had put what I wanted about the Tigers, but apparently I missed this. A Tigers fan pointed this out to me and I guess it's just a Freudian slip. So here you go:

Don't be a Tigers fan. Just don't. Detroit is a horrible place, in fact, it's the worst city in the country. Friends don't let friends support Detroit teams.

Kansas City Royals

Well, I wish I could say something about Kansas City. I went there once and got a headache. Does that count? Their stadium has gigantic fountains. That's cool, right?

Minnesota Twins

How can you hate the Twins? Really. I love the Twins. This is their last year in the Metrodome, and it's something to get hyped about. Can you say "snowout?" I can.

I mean, that team is all about putting on a show for their city. Also, for the record, the Twin Cities are pretty rocking.


Onward! To the AL West!

Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Thanks to an unfortunate twist on an odd stipulation in the contract between the city of Anaheim and the Angels, you have the worst name in professional sports. Scratch that, found one that's worse.

Oakland Athletics

Hey, they have an elephant for a mascot, that's pretty sweet. How many teams do you know with an elephant for a mascot? And no, 'Bama and the Republican Party do not count.

Also, I personally think the A's have one of the most interesting color schemes in the league (green and yellow) and their black uniforms are pretty nice looking too. Too bad no one comes out to see them.

Seattle Mariners

Ahh, Seattle—talk about one sports city that is hurting. The Sonics leave, the Seahawks are terrible, and the Mariners may be the only big bright spot in the city for a while, as they have brought back Ken Griffey Jr.

Also, if you like video games, the Mariners are owned by Nintendo and half their ads are in Japanese due to massive Ichiro love from across the Pacific. Nintendo and Asian culture? Nerd special!

Texas Rangers

If you love 'merica, you'll love the Rangers. This is the team that W. almost crashed into the ground before he became Commander and Chief version 43.0. It's hot in Arlington, and the Rangers usually reek of suck. I mean, they couldn't even win with a juicing A-Rod.

 

Over the river and through the woods, to the National League East we go!

Atlanta Braves

Thomas' favorite team to hate. Not from Atlanta, but want to be a Braves' fan? Well, you'll fit right in, seeing as most people that I've met from the ATL are not from Atlanta originally. This explains why their fan bases for all their teams are horrible and don't really support them. No loyalty!

Florida Marlins

Ever play "franchise mode" on a sports game, in which after you win a championship or two, you blow up the team just to make it interesting again? This is what the Marlins do. I've never met a Marlins fan, but from my time in Florida, I've heard rumors they only really exist in the Miami area.

New York Mets

The Amazin' Mets. Do you love things that continually disappoint you, especially when everything, for once, is going to end up all right? This sums up Mets' fans. After all, when people tell them that Shea Stadium was a dump, they respond with, "yeah, but it was our dump."

Philadelphia Phillies

Do you enjoy booing at anything with a pulse, pouring beer on nine year old fans of the opposing team, and wrecking your city after finally winning something? Then Philly is for you!

Washington Nationals

Now, I know I said that if you love 'merica you should like the Rangers. Well, that's true. Yet, if you love America, you should love the Nationals.

What is more American than a team called the Nationals playing the national pastime in Washington, D.C.? Nothing, and you darn well know it. Also, that new away uniform and stadium are pure gold.

Now we move to the Midwest for a look at the NL Central...

Chicago Cubs

The Cubs are the choice of frat boys and masochists. Obama was right when he said it's a nice place to have a beer and hang out, but baseball is played on the Southside. Being from Chicago originally, and seeing my first major league games in both stadiums, I testify that this is true.

Earlier, I said that I pity Boston and NYY fans for having to deal with idiots joining their fan base. I don't pity Cubs' fans, because people jumping on this bandwagon are a whole new level of stupid.

Cincinnati Reds

What the hell is this? For crying out loud, it looks like Mr. Met on a bad acid trip. Cincinnati sucks, and in case you forgot, read the second full paragraph of this story.

Houston Astros

There's not much to say about the Astros. They made a bad choice in who they sold the stadium naming rights to a few years back. Take that as you will.

Milwaukee Brewers

What's not to love? A team name that represents the city well, and two words: sausage race.

Pittsburgh Pirates

Pittsburgh is a fantastic sports city, and the Pirates have a great history. Unfortunately, it's just that though, a history. I think looking at this video will explain what you'll be getting into if you decide to side with the Bucs.

St. Louis Cardinals

I haven't met a Cardinals' fan that I didn't like when they weren't talking about the Cardinals. Meanwhile, when they talk about the Redbirds, you generally have two thoughts:

No. 1: When will they stop talking about the Cards?
No. 2: Where can I locate a gun with one bullet?

They're passionate, but they will not shut up about their team, regardless of its record. So if this sounds like your crew, roll with em'.

 

We've reached the end. The NL West. This is the final countdown!

Arizona Diamondbacks

Remember when this team wore purple, called their stadium "The Bob," and won a World Series? Well, those days are long past, but you can still wear their gear with pride!

Colorado Rockies

Well, at least, they're still willing to wear purple! They went to the World Series once, but it didn't turn out so well. Coors Field does have that neat row of seats that inform you that you're a mile above sea level.

Los Angeles Dodgers

This team has an interesting past. They were Brooklyn's team, and then they moved to LA and forced a whole bunch of poor Hispanics off their land to build their stadium! Ahh! America!

San Diego Padres

This is the team in San Diego. The Friars have one of the best stadiums in the MLB, and there's even a warehouse built in as a foul pole and seating.

San Francisco Giants

This team also left New York in search of the West Coast. They had a guy that took a lot of steroids and hit home runs once.

 

So there you go. The entire MLB. Pick your poison, but regardless of who you pick, stay loyal. No one likes fair-weather fans.

 

Sixty Feet, Six Inches is an Indianapolis based sports blog covering a wide range of sports. If you like what you read here, check out our home page (link below) for more.

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