The Academy Awards of Baseball

Actor in a Leading Role: Alex Rodriguez

“I’d like to thank the Academy. I’d like to thank my cousin for injecting me with steroids, even though I had no idea what he was injecting me with.”

Actor in a Supporting Role: Scott Boras

“In front of all America, right here at the biggest award show of the year, I’d like to announce that Ron Villone is opting out of his contract.”

Actress in a Leading Role: Roger Clemens

“Thank you everyone. The time I threw that bat at Mike Piazza was not because of ‘roid rage. I threw that bat at him because…Well, I’m sorry, I misremembered why.”

Actress in a Supporting Role: Jose Canseco

“I injected every award winner tonight with truth serum. I also dated Madonna!”

Best Picture: New York Yankees and Hank Steinbrenner

“No matter how many millions we have spent on players that abuse steroids, we will continue to spend money and support steroid users that hit “dribblers” to the starting pitcher.”

Best comedy: Rafael Palmeiro

“Miguel Tejada, you lied, PERIOD!”

Visual Effects: Mark McGwire

“I’d like to get together with Alex Rodriguez and talk about the past.”

Directing: Barry Bonds

“Let me make this “clear”—I love everyone and I love baseball reporters.”

Animated Feature Film: Miguel Tejada

“I’m sorry to the whole United States. (Sniff, sniff) Now let me get back to making millions a year. Thank you.”