A Beginner's Guide to Chicago Baseball: Survive if We Let You

We dip into the mailbag for today's article.

"Ernest, I love the articles. I know you're a Chicago native, and due to work, I'm moving there in a few weeks. I love baseball, and am currently willing to declare my loyalty to one of Chicago's clubs. Anything I should know ahead of time? I don't want to get my ass kicked."

Signed,

Red Line Rookie

RLR,

First, welcome to the greatest city in the world—when it's not cold. Which it usually is. I really hope you brought a coat.

Chicago has very rich baseball tradition, and I advise you to read up on it. However, in the interest of brevity, I'm gonna get right to the point and give you some do's and dont's about both teams, and not let my obvious bias (SOXSOXSOXSOXSOX) influence you (Seriously, though—White Sox Baseball).

First things first—know these two iron-clad rules.

1. PICK. A. SIDE.

There is no quicker way to be outed as a bandwagon fan (or, even worse, someone who doesn't like baseball!) than to say soft-ass chestnuts like "I like Chicago, so I don't care" or "I grew up going to both games, so I like both"

Get that s#@t outta here.

Whatever it takes, you better have a baseball team ready when someone asks.

2. Know What You're Talking About

I once had a conversation with an old Mexican man, an Irish union guy, and an Asian elderly gent about the 1998-'99 infield and why we miss Robin Ventura. Chicago is a cold, old-fashioned, segregated city, and love for baseball warms us up and brings us together.

So, know what you're talking about.

Read. Check stats. Do what you must to be current.

If you follow those two, you're on the right track. Now let's look at your two options:

Things You Need to Know About the Cubs

Wrigley is an awesome place to be if you like a more jovial atmosphere. Seriously, if Cubs day games were in a movie (and they have been) the title would have to be "There Will be Beer."

They (Cubs fans) are usually none-too-keen on being reminded of their century-long postseason futility. If I'm you, the word "curse" doesn't leave my mouth unless someone brings it up to you.

The seventh-inning stretch is a lovely tradition, and you should take part.

As a newbie, sit in the bleachers. Those are cheaper tickets (good luck with that) and fun people-watching. Oh, and a baseball game, too.

There are also more hot girls.

They are usually drunk.

This = Win.

Wrigleyville itself is the Bourbon Street of the Midwest. Before and after a game (especially if they win) it shouldn't be too hard for you to find a bottle to fall into. This is a good time to make friends.

Night games are overrated. The place didn't have lights full-time until I was 15, or something.

While most acknowledge the White Sox as their primary source of disgust, these guys get really serious when St. Louis comes to town. So, don't be from St. Louis.

Things You Need to Know About the White Sox

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