Cut the A-Hem-Roid Out for Fast Relief

Joe NoaCorrespondent IFebruary 21, 2009

Just when you think things are going to start feeling better, you get another flare-up. You watch your diet, you eat the right things, and you get some rest, and still the flare-up comes back.

You try to sit down and it hurts. You try to walk and it reminds you it is still there. You have a bowel movement and it gets in the way. It's in everything you say, in every thought in your mind, and every irritable mood you are in.

You try Preparation H to soothe and cool down your hemorrhoid. The tube says apply it a few times throughout the day for two weeks, and you will have relief and be able to have an active lifestyle again.

But there's a warning. It says if pain returns, if swelling comes back, and if you can't have a bowel movement, then stop taking it and call your doctor.

This is what the public has been suffering after the Peter Gammons interview with A-Rod. We were forced to believe that A-Rod didn't know what he was taking. Yet, he took it for three years and had treatments twice a month.

He tells Peter that he was naive, young, and stupid. He wanted to live up to the huge contract he signed with the Rangers: $252 million to be exact. He put some monster numbers in those three years and even won an MVP in 2003.

Now in his Obama style, he has a huge new conference under a big tent with some 200 journalists fighting for a chance for A-Rod to answer their questions.

A-Rod tells the public that the drug of choice was called boli. His cousin was his supplier, but he refused to give up his identity.

A-Rod asks his teammates for forgiveness with such great emotion that he could easily beat out "Days of Our Lives" for a daytime Emmy. The way Bonds expressed his emotions when hit 756 at San Francisco. He stood there at home plate with only his son to congratulate him.

So now we find that his cousin is one dangerous character when it comes to steroid distribution. A-Rod was his main squeeze.

This was going on for the Texas Rangers. You know, guys like Juan Gonzalez, Pudge Rodriguez, Sammy Sosa, Rafael Palmiero, Jose Canseco, and Pete Incaviglia just to name a few. A-Rod joined in on the festivities.

We are supposed to buy everything that A-Rod has fed us and put it behind us, just like A-Rod is doing right now. He can do just that as long as his $300 million stays in front of him.

After eating all that, how can you not get another hemorrhoidal flare-up? Your pipes are filled with bull and now you have one huge A-Hem-roid, and Preparation H can't help.

No, don't go see your doctor on this one because it is beyond his abilities to heal you.

This is a job for Bud Selg. The only way to shrink the A-Hem-Roid is for Bud to suspend him for one year without pay. Take that $30 million from A-Rod for anti-steroid campaigns for kids.

The $30 million treatment would shrink the A-Hem-Roid a lot, but it would still be there. Bud Selig may not too quick to take stern action against A-Rod and the other 103 because they gave him $18 million for being Commissioner of Major League Baseball in 2008.

If Bud has a pair, he should suspend A-Rod and restore integrity back to the game.

Drop the salaries and drop the ticket prices so families can enjoy a game without mortgaging their house. These are the players that drove salaries out of this world and they should give back.

Otherwise, A-Hem-Roid will be lingering, not only this season, but for a few years. After being fed A-Rod, no one is immune. Get the knife and slice that A-Hem-Roid out. We need some relief.