40 Things for a Die-Hard NFL Fan to Do During The Offseason

Max KienzlerAnalyst IFebruary 20, 2009

1. Stress endlessly, and uselessly of course, over the draft, which is, in fact, still several months away.


2. Debate over which free agents are overrated, which ones are bargains, and who your team should go after.


3. Cry.


4. Watch the NBA.


5. Watch the NHL…ok, watch NHL playoffs…ok ok ok, just watch the Stanley Cup Finals.


6. Turn ESPN on every morning.


7. Turn ESPN off five minutes later because it is the continued, over-the-top coverage about steroids in baseball that has become redundant to the point of idiocy.


8. Start drinking, heavily, every night with your friends so you can argue about the same sports topics over and over again without them ever getting old.


9. Stop drinking entirely so to give your liver a chance to recover from the near failure it suffered after last season and also to prep it for the onslaught of the upcoming year.


10. Start a good natured bet with some friends over which NFL player (or ex-player) will be arrested next.


11. Take side bets on what that player will be arrested for.


12. Spend time with your family…so you can get them to bet on whether said player will receive jail time and/or how long his suspension will be.


13. Place a large amount of money on where you think Michael Vick will land when he comes back.


(Personally, I like him to play for the Browns. That way, we have eight chances to see a headline that reads: “Michael Vick Gets Mauled at the Dog Pound”.  Or the number of jokes you could make if he led the Browns in a blow out victory.  You could argue that his beat down at the Dog Pound violated his parole.  Ah…I amuse myself.)


14. Join gamblers anonymous.


15. Pretend you are an all-star athlete and join a Rec. softball league.


16. Resemble an all-star athlete and start taking steroids.


17. Look exactly like an all-star athlete and get plastic surgery.


18 Feel like you are an all-star athlete by doing one simple thing:  Make…It…Rain.


19. Cry.


20. Spend time online trying to find illegal DVD recordings of your team's previous season (unless of course you can find a copy that has the express written consent from the NFL).


21. Analyze and breakdown every game with your new DVD collection, just like a coach.


22. Get a life.


23. Start watching soccer.


24. Stop watching soccer because you get angry at how wimpy and girly their players are and because you have no idea what the rules are, what extra time is, or what the announcers are saying due to both the heavy accent they have and the fact you have been subjected to the nonsense babble by our very own John Madden. (Seriously, he spews out some of the stupidest things a commentator has ever said. He is the most blatant Captain Obvious announcer EVER.)


25. Take over the game console and begin playing Madden 09 so you can simulate next season.


26. Cheat and turn your settings on easy so you can go undefeated and feel good about your chances.


27. Get really lazy and just watch Madden Nation on ESPN2.


28. If you have kids, sign them up for a sport.


29. And sign yourself up as coach.


30. If you don’t have kids, sign up to be a ref/ump.


31. Enroll in anger management classes before you begin any of the previous three ideas.


32. Cry.


33. Brag about how your team has not lost a single game in the 2009 season.


34. Spend far to much time wondering why on earth the Bengals put the franchise tag on placekicker Shayne Graham... Let me repeat that: SHAYNE GRAHAM!


35. Laugh it off when you realize how angry Al Davis must be because he did not think of franchising his placekicker first.


36. Cry.


37. Become anal to the point of psychotic and get an early jump on ranking your top fantasy football players for next year.


38. Write a letter to the commish about how having the Pro Bowl on the week in between the conference championship games and the Super Bowl is a STUPID STUPID idea.


39. Write a letter to the commish about how he is turning the NFL into a league of wimps with all of these insane rules regarding late hits and roughing-the-passer penalties. If I wanted to watch two-hand-touch football, I would order it off HBO and it would have women instead of men.


40. Invest in NFL Network.





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