Hot Tubs Are Just the Beginning: The Perks of Being a Successful Head Coach
Chip Kelly is getting the hot tub he always wanted…or is he?
Reports surfaced this week that Oregon’s new $68 million football ops facility would include a hot-tub film room in Chip Kelly’s personal office. We can only assume he’d wear a visor in the tub and that this warm mini-pool would be in the shape of a giant swoosh. After all, it is very much football related, and it would also greatly enhance the possibilities of this wonderful scene.
The Register-Guard has since posted a correction, although it still sounds like a hot tub is still in the works. It just won’t be in the office of Kelly and will instead be accessible for all of the coaches. Better purchase the appropriate Nike swimwear now, assistants. Also, better toss that Adidas Speedo if you want to hang on to that job.
As for the perks of being a head coach, they are very real. Although Kelly specifically won’t have private access to this tub, it doesn’t hurt being the offensive genius at a school with means. It also shows a trend that will likely only become more extreme in time.
We’ve gone ahead and predicted potential future university gifts for head coaches from their schools as an incentive to keep them from leaving.
Oregon’s Jacuzzi film swag is only the beginning…
After winning the SEC in 2014, the Gamecocks design an 18-hole, $125 million indoor golf course that is accessible only through Steve Spurrier’s office by a keypad that was once Mark Richt’s garage door opener. No word on how he got it.
He is the only individual permitted to play, and his golf cart can reach speeds of 65 miles per hour. Each cup is the size of a large pizza, and the science department redesigned the laser putter seen in Caddyshack as a throw-in. His handicap improves tremendously because of it. He’s permitted to lie about his scores because it’s the OBC Country Club, which also happens to be “pants optional.”
Following a Big 12 title in 2015, a wealthy WVU alum donates $25 million to the university. After discussing plans for a “major” stadium renovation, Mountaineer officials decide to construct a small “office casino” in Dana Holgorsen’s quarters instead.
This casino isn’t massive, although it does include a blackjack table built entirely out of formerly engulfed Morgantown couches. Also included in this magnificent setup: a cigarette vending machine (yes, they still have those), a special telephone that connects only to the Mountaineer mascot and a kegerator that is filled with the finest backyard moonshine in the state. (It can actually burn through most Solo cups; he’s tried it).
After Mike Gundy reaches the first-ever college football playoff in 2014, T. Boone Pickens rewards him with a custom-built Dance Dance Revolution made entirely of platinum. It also comes with only two songs, “Teach Me How to Dougie,” and the “Teach Me How to Dougie Extended Techno Remix,” which was per Gundy’s demands.
Gundy, who is quite familiar with the whole dancing thing, has T. Boone add these same machines into the locker room for his players, and T. Boone agrees despite not knowing what exactly DDR is. He asks if it comes with Frogger, which spawns a rather hilarious response from the creator. He then orders a custom-custom built game that does indeed come with Frogger and buys DDR only to purposely bankrupt it weeks later.
Chizik’s ridiculous recent recruiting run pays off, and Auburn makes it to the championship game in 2014. To extinguish rumors of a possible NFL jump, Auburn invests big money in solidifying its head coach’s wardrobe satisfaction.
The school relocates one of the finer leather-jacket minds and makers in all of Italy and situates him in a secured office directly next to Chizik’s. Auburn also imports his warehouse, which is situated behind the team’s practice facility and is guarded 24 hours a day. He (the leather mastermind) is paid approximately $8 million dollars a season, and daily duties consist of “making sure Gene has new, fresh leather each and every day.”
Following his shocking Pac-12 Championship run in 2013, the Washington State alum fork over big bucks to keep their eccentric head coach pleased. The school digs one of the largest bodies of water in the United States and fills it with saltwater and exotic fish in an effort to “bring Key West to the West Coast.”
Also included in his body of water are some of the world’s most dangerous sharks, which Leach fishes for and rides around to unwind. They are each equipped with saddles, which makes for some incredible shark-jousting sessions. Leach Lake regulars include Matthew McConaughey, Les Miles, Les Miles’ pet shark, Les Miles’ pet shark’s pet shark and Jim Delany.
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