In Hochuli I Trust. You Would Be Advised To Follow Suit.

I was Dumb And Stupid.Analyst IMarch 11, 2008

Why is Goodell so perturbed?  He is staring Death (see: Ed Hochuli) directly in the eyes. This will be the last thing he ever sees before Ed permanently blinds him for his insolence.

Human cloning needs to happen now. There is only one reason why, and it is the most definitive and ultimate answer in this modern argument: Ed Hochuli.

I used it the other day to explain why I forgot to walk the dog:

“What the hell were you doing?”
“Ed Hochuli?”
“Well, I guess I will do it, and never bring it up again.”

But indeed it will be brought up again.  As long as Hochuli lives, I fear nothing. Nothing, that is, but Hochuli.

Ed, a 55-year-old former UTEP linebacker and currently a successful Phoenix lawyer and father of six, is all that is man.  And he is, by proxy, the most dangerous man alive.

He can kill with a glance, break bones with a punch, and he is not afraid to dish out 15 yard unsportsmanlike conduct penalties so harsh they actually scare players straight.

Indeed, if Hoculi were the ref of every NFL game, world hunger would be eliminated in a matter of hours.

You may ask, "Why is this?" Well, when Ed Hochuli is awoken after five straight hours of rigorous lovemaking to his lovely wife by his massive pythons' hunger calls, Ed feeds them the finest of all the worlds foods.

These include an entire bull stuffed with corn-dogs, carefully placed inside it earlier in the week by punching the breaded frankfurter through the skin and into the body.

This process is so revolutionary it is called "Hochulizing," and it happens so fast that the impact of the punch will not hit them until the cows drop dead later in the week.

You may be surprised that he can do this, but it is not uncommon for Hochuli to defy the laws of modern science. This is what is known as the Hochuli Effect, and it is how numerous NFL players have died, only to be covered up by the police as pedestrian and tragic.

They are indeed tragic, but not pedestrian by any means.  They are Hochulian.

Ed also can take sorrow out of the widows and mourning girlfriends of these players by placing his hands over their bellybutton. There he sucks out the sorrow by a method he developed hanging out in an Albuquerque YMCA.

It is 100 percent effective and the only FDA approved cure for cancer. Hochuli heals on every second Tuesday of the month, and sometimes before and after games if he is in a good mood.

But I digress—and you shouldn’t do that frequently because Ed hates doddlers...

After Ed has fed his biceptial overlords, he goes to his basement and frees innocent people over the phone, even though it is not his area of law, while constantly lifting weights.

Sometimes when Hochuli gets angry he hands out holding penalties to the entire world. This is what is known as having a bad day. It happens to all of us, and the only way to avoid it is to be Ed Hochuli.

Ed Hochuli is all that is man. He was this before he was born, and was already building his legacy by the time that chump Chuck Norris got a bunch of ivy leaguers to kiss his butt so he could be famous again.

Hochuli lets you kiss his pythons, in return for letting you live. You are of more used to Ed Hoculi when you are alive. Only Ed Hochuli knows why.

Hochuli wears the number 85 because that is the approximate circumference of each of his guns. No one knows what the circumference is for sure because every tape measurer that has been wrapped around his arms has exploded due to the tension caused by wrapping his arms.

It is also coincidental that Ed Hochuli wears 85 on the back of his uniform, because that is the exact number of people he has killed by accidentally touching them.

Sometimes, for no apparent reason, Hochuli emits lasers from the palms of his hands.

Then again, with Ed Hochuli, everything happens for a reason. So we should all fear the lasers. And henceforth Ed Hochuli.

He is fear itself, and that is an automatic FIRST DOWN.