A couple of weeks ago, I was squandering the night away in a dive. On the television was an old boxing match with the sound switched off.
Inevitably, the other patrons and I became thouroughly engrossed in a debate about legendary boxers.
In turn the topic shifted from reality to fantasy, but no clear hierarchy was established.
Too long has this important subject gone unresolved plaguing mankind. Finally, a list has been created putting the argument over the greatest fictitious boxer to rest.
Balrog was the first of four bosses in Street Fighter II Championship Edition, arguably the best two dimension fighting game ever. While the other characters were endowed with projectiles, electricity, and fire, Balrog could only punch. This fact made him one of the worst video game bosses ever, but that is another discussion altogether.
In his defense, Balrog did have a special move that would deplete 50 percent of his opponent's energy. However, all three punch or kick buttons had to be held down for 30 seconds.
If you've ever successfully landed that move, please comment below.
Way back in the day, I was one of the handful of people who owned a Sega Dreamcast instead of a PlayStation 2. In college, my roommates and I spent many nights duking it out on Ready to Rumble Boxing, a game boasting such colorful characters as Big Willy Johnson and Afro Thunder.
Yet, the greatest fighter of this title was a skinny little girl named Lulu Valentine. Her default settings were absolutely worthless. But if one wasted enough time in the boring training side games, she became an indefatigable and unstoppable force.
Becoming a professional fighter after turning 30 takes dedication and skill. That's exactly what Million Dollar Baby fictional boxer No. 8...blah, blah, blah.
Did anyone see the recent episode of the Office where the employees of Dunder Mifflin spent the entire workday debating the hotness of Hilary Swank?
Anyway, Maggie Fitzgerald is a lesson in perseverance, starting at the bottom and slowly climbing the welterweight ladder yadda, yadda, yadda.
Seriously, that is a photo of Hilary Swank. Is there any actress in Hollywood with a more lights on at bar time changing face?
The Champion, also known as The Crusher or Battling McGook, battled through 110 rounds of bomb infused popcorn and boulder loaded slingshot boxing with Bugs Bunny in this 1948 classic cartoon.
Mickey O'Neil is a bare knuckle Irish boxer who could take any amount of punishment in the ring before ending the fight with one blow to his opponent.
O'Neil's rank might be greater if not for Brad Pitt's terrible "pikey" accent ("Yalike dags?"). He sounds like a higher-pitched cartoon version of Van Morrison.
This 17-year-old, 107 pound boxing phenom hails proudly from the Bronx. With constant between round nuggets of pure wisdom from his trainer Doc, Little Mac was able to not only take on but also defeat opponents twice his size.
In fact, Mac had to jump to land a head blow. Intense training in a pink jumpsuit gave him the vertical leap to knock out Mike Tyson while keeping both his ears in tact.
Drederick Tatum is a man to be feared in and out of the ring. He served time in prison for pushing his mother down the stairs. While incarcerated, he instantly quelled a riot with a word because he needed silence to hear his manager on the other end of the phone.
Drederick has been an Olympic Gold medalist and the World Heavyweight Champion. Currently, he is the spokesman for some self described "butt ugly shoes."
Future opponents to Tatum must be advised that has vowed "to make orphan's out of his [challenger's] children."
This gun brandishing, sword wielding, chopper riding boxer ranks in at No. 3 on the countdown for good reason.
Coolidge was ready to take a dive in his final fight but was sparked to life by the memory of his father's watch that Christopher Walken carried in his rectum for two years. Coolidge not only won the bout but also killed his opponent in the ring.
His mighty prowess for fighting was only matched by his mastery of the English language. When asked by an immigrant taxi driver what the name "Butch" meant, he replied, "I'm American, honey. Our names don't mean sh*t."
Rocky is the most obvious participant of this list. Included here with the Italian Stallion are all his equally famous opponents: Apollo Creed, Clubber Lang, Ivan Drago, Tommy Gunn, and most recently Mason Dixon.
While an argument can be made that each of these boxers from the Rocky film series deserves a spot in the top ten, it would leave no room for the other fictional fighters.
Also, it took forever to find the pictures I've already used. Kudos to the Bleacher Report writers who regularly produce slideshows. These things are extremely time consuming.
If you have not seen the movie Diggstown, do yourself a favor. Stop reading and go rent it. Now!
Diggstown features Honey Roy Palmer, the all time greatest fictional boxer. At age 48, he defeated 10 fighters in a 24-hour span. Naturally, some of the matches were fixed in his favor—this is boxing we're talking about here.
On the other hand, the only boxer who beat Palmer in his professional career, Hammerhead Hagan, was brought in as ringer for the opposition.
Two hypothetical questions can be logically derived from Honey Roy Palmer occupying the top slot. First, because in Diggstown he beat 10 fighters in one day, could he conquer the rest of the fictional boxers of this list in the same amount of time?
The answer is definitely no. Palmer probably couldn't handle the super human strength of Balrog. He would not be able to keep up with the lightning speed of Little Mac. Moreover, Palmer cannot compete with the heart of any of the Rockys, even the latest HGH infused geriatric version.
Why does Honey Roy deserve the paramount position in the fantasy fighter rankings?
1. Louis Gossett, Jr. played professional basketball for the New York Knicks before moving to Hollywood and becoming an Oscar winner. Sylvester Stallone was in soft core porn.
2. Louis Gossett, Jr. has shown he has what it takes to win in the ring on the silver screen. Not only did he overcome many obstacles, some mentioned above, to be victorious in Diggstown, but also in An Officer and a Gentleman Gossett, Jr. kicked Richard Gere so hard in the groin that the infamous hamster in his anus died.
3. Heather Graham. She plays the lead female role in Diggstown. Rollergirl is just as traffic-stopping beautiful as she was 21 years ago in License to Drive.
4. It simply comes down to a matter of opinion and this is my article. Deal with it. Haters please express your disdain below.