We have a special guest today, who was kind enough to take time out of his busy schedule to discuss the sports world—specifically college basketball. Getting straight to the money shots, here are some excerpts from this exclusive interview, with the one…the only…Joaquin Phoenix—former actor, future musician, and…sports fan?
Interview with Joaquin Phoenix on College Hoops **
KP: Thanks for being here, I have great respect for your work an
d am happy to have you.
-- crickets –
KP: OK, today we are talking college basketball, Joaquin. Let’s start with the league’s biggest space filler, the 7’3” Hasheem Thabeet. What do you think of him?
Phoenix: Kazaam Tha-who?
KP: No, Kazaam was who Shaq played in a movie.
Phoenix: Oh I wouldn’t know, I don’t act anymore.
KP: OK then. Well, Thabeet is a player of the year candidate for UConn, one of the best teams in the country. In fact, they’re the number one ranked team today. Do you think the Huskies will win the national title?
KP: Even with Jerome Dyson out for the year?
KP: Who is going to give them the biggest run for their money? North Carolina, Pittsburgh, Oklahoma, or Michigan State?
Phoenix: I don’t know.
KP: You know, a mime would have more to say.
Phoenix: Funny guy.
KP: Moving along… who is your favorite mascot in the game?
Phoenix: Hip-hop, like my new career in music.
KP: Hip-hop is a mascot in the pros, Joaquin. We’re talking about college, remember?
-- awkward silence --
KP: I noticed you have the words “GOOD BYE!” written out on your hands. Can you explain that?
Phoenix: I’m saying “goodbye” to acting.
KP: Tying that into college basketball, who do you think will hurt the sport’s popularity more after they say goodbye to the game?
Phoenix: Beats me.
KP: I’ll give you a trio of options. What about between Tyler Hansbrough of North Carolina, Blake Griffin of Oklahoma, and Stephen Curry of Davidson?
Phoenix: Definitely one of them.
KP: You don’t think one over another?
KP: So if I told you the following…I would take Hansbrough because of that workhorse attitude he has, playing for a power program, battling his way through four years, continuously coming back and seeking that elusive National Title, while also getting his name into the record books along the way. As for Griffin, we knew he was going to be leaving early for the NBA, and we didn’t get as attached. In Curry’s case, he borderline became a March Madness sensation overnight, and still plays for a smaller school that doesn’t get as much press—even though they have gotten significantly more this season. What would you say to that?
Phoenix: Sounds good. You don’t need me then.
KP: By the way, your goodbye message looks more like “Bye Good” to me.
Phoenix: Thanks for sharing.
KP: Well, that’s all the time we have for today. And as for you Joaquin…
Phoenix: Uh huh.
KP: “I’m sorry you couldn’t be here tonight.”
Phoenix: I’ve heard that somewhere before.
KP: Yes, you have. Thanks Dave for the loner. “Bye good” everyone!
** Perhaps a disclaimer from the “Captain Obvious” department, but this interview is fabricated. At no time did this writer have a discussion with Joaquin Phoenix, but instead it stems off of and pokes fun at the actor/musician’s interview with David Letterman a few days ago.