A Kicker Named Chris Blewitt and the All–Unfortunate Name Team
Pittsburgh has signed its kicker for the future, a promising 2013 product out of Alexandria, Va. (per the Washington Post). Recruiting news with relative importance isn’t necessarily big news, but this young man’s name certainly is.
Chris (pronounced: actually, if you don’t know how to pronounce “Chris,” kindly leave.)
Blewitt (pronounced: “Oh, no, oh my goodness, I can’t believe Chris just blew it.”)
He was a soccer player in high school and converted to kicking stranger objects because his friends were on the football team. After making 10 field goals and 49 extra points last season, he impressed the Pitt coaches in a workout, and they extended an offer to him.
Kudos to Chris for making an impression, and...the local Pennsylvania football writers are already licking their chops.
In all likelihood, Chris will be a fine player for the Panthers in 2013 and beyond, but just imagine the headlines if his 34-yarder to tie a game as time expires bounces off the post. Tom Rinaldi has already set up a permanent tent outside the stadium to give the full Kyle Brotzman treatment if it ever becomes necessary.
As for the unfortunate name, well, Chris isn’t the only one. Here is our All-Unfortunate Name Team. Well, they're not actually real, but we would feel bad for them if they were.
Quarterback: Billy Armpunt
Running Back: Joseph McEasystrip
Fullback: Sam Tooheavy
Wide Receiver: Bricks Von Struggles
Wide Receiver 2: William Dropsit
Tight End: Fourate Forty
Left Tackle: Rip Rightthrough
Left Guard: Alex Noleverage
Center: Miles Falsestart
Right Guard: Slo Firstmove
Right Tackle: Dwight Problematicconditioning (he’s French)
Left Defensive End: Noah Acceleration
Left Defensive Tackle: Eli Lovesfood
Right defensive Tackle: Jason Needsasub
Right Defensive End: Ima Horridrunstopper
Weak-side Linebacker: Jerry Feetforhands
Middle Linebacker: Bruce Fallsbackward
Strong-side Linebacker: Will Notcovertightendswell (also French)
Left Cornerback: Justin Dropsit (brother of Will, were recruited together)
Right Cornerback: Heath Burnedbadly
Strong Safety: Sean Canttackle
Free Safety: Derek O’ Mygodhegotbeatbad
Punter: Karl Shankedit
Kicker: Wade Right
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