Jeff Reed Attacking Paper Towels? What The @#$%???

Chris DolbowContributor IFebruary 14, 2009

According to reports out of the Steel City this evening, underrated Steelers kicker Jeff Reed was arrested on charges of disorderly conduct and criminal mischief.

According to the Pittsburgh Tribune Review, Jeff Reed entered a Sheetz on U.S. Route 22 in New Alexandria around the time of 3 AM. Police say that Reed grew much angst after the machine refused to dispense him towels to dry off his hands. Here are a few reasons what I believe happened:

1. The two Super Bowl rings that Reed was wearing actually caused a light reflection that disabled the sensor in the machine and caused it to have spasms, which internally burned up the computer parts inside and totally obliterated the network of wires and computer chips inside the dispenser.

2. After Reed had relieved himself after holding it for close to three hours, he was already on a thin line. When he went to get water from the automatic faucet, the water dispersed itself strong and fast and covered the World Champion from head to toe in H2O. Reed was so mad he jumped on top of the sink and kicked the faucet into the machine, disabling it. Profanity followed and the rest is history.

3. After relieving himself, Mr. Reed walked over to the sink where Ray Lewis was washing his hands. After an exchange of words, Ray bet Jeff that he could get the paper towels out of the automatic machine faster than Jeff could. After Lewis received his towels, it was Jeff's turn. When the machine refused to dispense him towels, leading to an outburst of rage and the assassination of Ray Lewis with a kick in the mouth, although no body has been found.

4. When Jeff went over to the machine, it refused to dispense him the NFL trophy towel to wipe his hands on, and Reed thus was angered and totally destroyed the machine.

5. The story is actually referring to the always popular Ed Reed, but Reed paid off the police and reporters to report that Jeff Reed was the culprit.